Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hearing from God

Well, it's Thursday night, and no ladies study.

I found out last night it was canceled.

I had about half of my homework done.

Talked to my good friend and she told me to finish it anyway.

I seriously considered just letting it slide.

Well, I went ahead and finished the homework.

Guess what?

yep, That thing I've been agonizing over ?

and praying about?

and really believing I was trusting and seeking?

I found thru finishing this week's study homework, that I was NOT.

I had once again made decisions based on self-seeking motives.


That wouldn't be so bad, but I did this while asking God for direction and

I hadn't received any direction,

and decided to go a certain way anyway.


So, this morning when I was finishing up the homework I got the blessing of

HEARING from the Lord.

All this as a result of acting out of

obedience to finish the homework. So I now KNOW

what I am supposed to do


I am to enjoy and be grateful for

the wonderful life I have been blessed with .

"Keep back your servant from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me. Then I shall be blameless, and I shall be innocent of great transgression" (Psalm 19:12)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I stand in awe

Hey..Don't know if I am gonna be able to do this one.

My husband just left the house to go to men's bible study at church.

I know that may not seem like a major big deal, but it really is.

HUGE, really......HUGE .

Even before the stroke, he wouldn't have been going.

Just not his deal.

He doesn't hang out with other guys.

He barely hangs out with me. =]

So, here I sit once again with another bit of evidence for the file

of how God ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS IS FAITHFUL.

Don't ask me why this is so important to me.

I know how much I have been blessed through participating in the Ladies bible study,

so I guess I just wished the same sort of thing for him.

I get to go to work and interact with other people every day.

He sits at home and watches TV most days. I don't know how he doesn't

lose his mind, but he seems to be content.

I have to remember I am the crazy one. The one prone to ungrateful,

discontentedness with things that are totally out of my control.

I am just blown away by God's grace, even though I shouldn't be surprised.

Our lives have been so abundantly covered in grace, I don't know how I can

ever be the way I get soo often. impatient and uncertain. Full of questions and

doubts...the what if game is always on..

Just today I was praying and told God I just wanted to "FEEL"

that I was moving in the right direction...

To "KNOW" what He wanted me to do



.and it came to me


So I am once again in that very familiar place

of asking forgiveness and being thankful that I am so loved..

Tuesday, April 28, 2009



Goin to bed early...yeah I know only 80 year olds and older or 3 year olds and younger go to bed before 8 o'clock, but I don't care. I am tired.

My sweet dear KanDee has decided she wants to get up at 3 am the last few mornings.

Not really a big deal I am up at 4 normally anyway. Well, it is a big deal. I spent the extra time catching up on some reading and chores, nothing special. Well, after three days of it, I am beat.

So sweet dreams.."see" ya Tomorrow...

Monday, April 27, 2009

feelin the pressure

OK. I admit it. I want to have something to say here.

I want to touch people's lives. I want to make you laugh, cry, think about a friend you haven't thought about in a while. remember a childhood memory.

I guess I just want to feel like I matter somehow.

I am crying now, because I realize just how shallow and sick that sounds.

But it is how I feel.

right now.

right this minute.

I am so very aware how small and insignificant I am. I am also aware of how important I am.


it was like God reminded me that if I am sooo unimportant and soo insignificant,

why did He send His Son to die on the cross for my sin?

HMM God is so good all of the time.

I am hoping you believe me. I just type the words, and sometimes I post what I write, and sometimes I erase it.

So here I am again, Totally knocked over by God's timing and gentle chastening.

He loves me, and he loves you too.

So, thanks for letting me be me.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

granddaughters are wonderful

Here is one of the photos I spent so much time uploading and whatnot yesterday to get real photographs made. I just wanted to show one of us at disneyland. (no, tinkerbell is not my granddaughter)..I notice the resemblance..hahaha..anyway Savannah,Zen, Josie, Tink,Tori(katie's friend), Katie,Charyl, and Me. We had such a great time. I am hoping they will help me with my scrapbook. I am not good at any type of craft project, but I am gonna try anyway. They are all such a gift and blessing in our life. Today was a good day, almost done with laundry. Sid is in bed already, and I am just being thankful for these precious gifts that we call granddaughters. Hopefully I can measure up to the example my Gramma gave me.

Friday, April 24, 2009

upload,download,import,export, HUH?

OK, I admit I am not the most up to date on the latest technology. I mean we just got hooked up to the Internet at home (I have had experience with it at work) So, I decide I am going to save time and just order the photographs I want from our trip online. Piece of cake, right? For you maybe, not me. I uploaded all the pictures from my camera thinking I was doing it at the website where I would be picking up the pictures. Turns out I downloaded or "imported" them onto my computer and into some preloaded program. So, yep you guessed it, I went through all of them and sorted what I wanted prints of and imagine my surprise when I realized my error. No big deal, I am not going to complain( yeah still trying to make a whole week day without doing any of that)..2 hours later and I can't tell you how many times I have actually gone through the process I can pick up my photos tomorrow afternoon. YAY!!! I should have the scrap book completed by February with any luck..=]...I gotta go lay down I am tired.Here is one of the pictures

Thursday, April 23, 2009


Trying to figure out why I can never be satisfied with the life God has given me. I have been sooo abundantly blessed I should be embarrassed if I ever complain(out loud or inside my own head)!! So, here's the deal. I have been praying about a certain situation in my life. praying for God's will, wisdom know the usual stuff when uncertainty is there? Anyway, I just don't know what to do. Nothing or something? it should be easy, right? I have such a hard time knowing what to do sometimes. On the one hand it seems as if I am ungrateful and self-willed if I take door number one, but is it fear keeping me from door number two? You think this is bad, you should be INSIDE this head of mine. I honestly don't know why I seem to have a chronic restlessness at times. I know the last time I was feeling like this for any length of time We got blessed with a stroke. So I am really afraid to "say" any of this stuff out loud.(more self centered fear). As I am writing this, and kind of looking at what I have written, I realized something that I know to be true with me. Every year at about this time....yep you already guessed it huh?.....SPRING FEVER...whoo. now that's a relief. I'm not crazy, just itchin for the flowers to be planted and the bulbs to start blooming. For a full week of flip flops and tank tops. Yeah..Now that's what I'm talkin bout.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

clean house

I came home today, and while I was at work, My sister in law had came and cleaned our home. It needed cleaned, too. I am what is called a terrible housekeeper. I know how to do the chores, I just seem to find other things to do, instead. I was better at this stuff when I was a working mom with kids at home. Now a working empty nester with an at home husband, you would think it would be a breeze, right? WRONG....Honestly, it is all I can do to keep up with the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, grocery shopping, and meals. I just don't make it a priority like I used to. We don't seem to be too damaged by my laziness, but at times I am ashamed and embarrassed by it. I have always wanted to be one of those wives that loves to do housework, and is crafty and just knows how to arrange a room. I am not gifted in those areas AT ALL. I then feel guilty and beat myself up because I don't measure up. Who says? why me of course. I also can't seem to get past my pride and ask for help in these areas. I have several friends that are oozing with these gifts and would be more than happy to help me, but I don't want to admit I need help, I keep forgetting that I am the only one judging me so harshly. I am so very thankful that God is not done with me, and He continues to show me His love and grace. So I get to truly relax this weekend with no guilt for the chores not getting done, Thanks to my dear Esther.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Scooter Madness

Wow. I got to ride my motorcycle today.. I absolutely love it. I always wanted to have a harley of my own and ride it myself. I love riding on the back of my husband's bike and have done that for years. Guess what kept me from getting my own bike? Yep, you guessed right my own fear. I wasn't even so scared of crashing and hurting myself. I, being the intellectual giant that I am, was most concerned with "looking stupid"... I was worried if I did crash, or drop it I would be embarrassed and people would just shake their heads and say...women shouldn't ride motorcycles. I was raised by a very old fashioned ex-marine turned southern baptist preacher, so it is no wonder I have these pre-conceived notions of what anyone may or may not be thinking. The total self absorption that everyone is concerned with what I may or may not be doing is ALL mine, though. God is working on that one. I used to drink, and I used to smoke(cigarettes) and I get this AHHH when I initially take that first puff or sip(used to anyway), well, that is the very exact feeling when I am riding...just that everything is OK.. I am so grateful I was able to walk through that fear. I took a motorcycle training course to see if I even had any business owning a bike. Passed that with flying colors and had my first bike the very next week-end. My husband was a little apprehensive at first, but when I told him that if I kill myself while riding I'll be with Jesus,and if I don't I'll be with him(husband)--win-win situation. Totally sold him....

Monday, April 20, 2009

Happy Birthday KanDee

Our sweet baby is one year old today.... I told you about our old dog Punkin. How when I first met her she wrapped her little legs around my arm and wouldn't let go? Well, that is exactly how this little ball of fluff was when I first met her.(she hasn't changed a whole bunch)... Last Father's day we lost our dear Punkin. We were blessed that she died at home......I held her head in my lap and prayed over her and stroked her head and kissed her goodbye...(yes, I am crying as I write this)...10 days later My Dad died. He and I were very close. I have always been and will always be Daddy's little girl. When my parents divorced it was like I was the only one that stuck by Dad. Any way with his death so soon after Punkin's I was pretty broken inside. My husband decided I needed a trip to see our son and his wife and the 4 granddaughters to cheer me up some. Well, that's what we did. While over there, we went into this little pet store, and There she was. Little Miss KanDee. I just picked her up, and we had to pry her little legs from around my arm. Needless to say, I saw that as a sign that she was meant to be a part of our family. It is amazing what a puppy can do for a broken heart. I was so concerned with making sure she was OK and trying to teach her the basics...potty your own nice with the others..I didn't have as much time to feel sorry for myself. Yes, I still grieved the losses of my Daddy and our precious Punkin, but that grief was eased with the love of this new little critter. There is no doubt she was meant to come home with us, and she is a constant source of happiness for us. So today on her 1st birthday we celebrate her.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

beginner blogger

Just found out you couldn't leave a comment on my blog. I think I fixed it. So if you are reading me a favor? just leave a comment so I know it's fixed? Well, so far I have made it without complaining. Sid has been gone since 9:30..Apple Cup( local speedway auto racing) I have just been lounging about. took a nap, did dishes, laundry,FAPA, made banana bread, sent a few e-mails, made a few phone calls, watched a few episodes of bones(thanks to DVR) and here I am. So, apparently, I just needed a little relaxation. God is sooo good. ALL the time. I plan on finishing my day with a little dinner and maybe a movie. Dinner will probably consist of cereal. That has to be one of the best things of not having kids at home. I don't have to set an example with my eating habits. That may have something to do with my ever widening like to say I'm not fat just fluffy. Anyway, I am off to finish my relaxing day...bye

Friday, April 17, 2009

constant complainer

I have been studying Moses in the bible study I go to. One of the things that I was convicted of is how I am a complainer. I didn't even notice it. I don't know when it happened, I just know it's true. If anyone asked me before today, I would have said I am a positive, upbeat, person. Yet my actions show an ugly side. I found myself complaining about the garbage cans yet again this morning. As soon as the words were muttered under my breath I caught myself and asked God to forgive me. I repented of this Sin (yes, SIN ) and asked for help. I resolved to not complain. I said to myself surely you can go an entire day without complaining. You would think so, huh? Well, I didn't make it an hour. All of the garbage stuff happened before 5 am. by 5:45 I was complaining about how I can never seem to get my hair straight without it being frizzy, then realized it had started raining, and was a total waste anyway. Just writing this makes me feel sick. So, I caught myself again, repented asked forgiveness. Here we are nearly 14 hours later and I realize I am really messed up. I finally said to myself. Maybe you can do an hour at a time. So, this is definitely something I am going to work on. I have way too much to be grateful for. I also want my witness to be effective, which it won't if I am acting the way I did today.I'll keep ya posted.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


Well, I told you I would tell you the day it happened. it was today. The furnace was running in our 30 degree morning, and the air in our 70 something this afternoon. Now, granted, we run air conditioning when others wouldn't even dream of it. I can proudly boast (and do) that you can hang meat in our house in July. My sweet husband is the one that runs the thermostat. I don't understand why 72 in the winter is fine, but in the summer it has to be 65. makes no sense to me, but since the stroke it is more like 80 in the winter and 65 in the summer. his thermostat is all outa whack. I blame the medicines he takes. He just says "whatever". So i run around nearly naked in the winter and all bundled up in the summer. It is supposed to be in the 80's by next week, so I should be riding my motorcycle more regularly real soon. Now that is exciting.Seems like I just got it and had to put it up for the winter. And Sid is officially off driving restriction tomorrow. Wow, that actually went fast. (not for him I'm sure) He has been pretty good. Cheated a bit, but overall pretty compliant.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

is there a point?

The last few days I have been seriously wondering what I am writing about. What am I saying? Does it matter? answer: I don't have a clue. When I started this I just wanted to walk through a fear. I have many fears, 95% self-centered fear. Will I look stupid? What if.....? all kinds of crazy stuff. I just wanted a chance to share some of my life and hopefully what God has done and how awesome He is. I want to be real and not staged to sound good. I have absolutely no writing abilities or talent whatsoever, however I am hopeful that will improve with time. I have always (well the last few years anyway) been really honest and open. I believe true transparency is helpful. I know I really appreciate it in others and so want to be that way in my own life. I want to mirror God's grace and strength and love. I know that being able to look back is a great tool in "SEEING" the hand of God in daily life. Hopefully I don't miss it in my selfishness. So, I took another step today. I posted blogs I am following. I am no longer just a stalker I chose to actively participate. Another fear to overcome. I can't do these things, but God gives me the courage to risk looking stupid in order to benefit from it. So, time will tell. =]

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

spring snow

Well here it is spring and we had ourselves a huge sloppy snowflake storm today followed by rain and thunder and lightning.. CRAZY weather. All I could think about was how we had parked our motorcycles in the driveway instead of the garage. They were getting pummeled with this wetness. I really hate winter and can't wait for spring to get here. Every year it gets just a bit worse. I don't know if it is because as I get older it gets harder to shovel that heavy white stuff. I had to repeatedly remind myself this last winter how much worse everyone around us had it. It was almost as if God knew I couldn't take it this year and decided to bless me and give me a rest. That is just how self-centered I am. I really think that God orchestrated the weather to suit me. I am aware that it could have been a number of reasons, but I think I am more grateful when I see it my way. Any way I didn't really have much to talk about today. Just so grateful that God uses others to remind me of his goodness and grace and faithfulness. How he keeps his promises. I love him and just want to be what he wants, and know how miserably I fail in that. Thankful that he loves me anyway. We are supposed to have 80 degrees by next week, so it is fairly typical. We usually go from winter to summer within a week's time. I know we use heat in the morning and air conditioning in the afternoon on the same day to transition. I'll let you know what day that happens. Talk to ya'll later.

Monday, April 13, 2009

phone " madness"

Well, I told you more to follow. The phone I tried to purchase Friday evening I finally got today at 7:45 pm. I don't think I have ever been through so much effort and frustration for anything so unworthy in my life. I spent 5 + hours on the phone 3 of which was on hold(ignore). 4 calls to customer service call center and thanks to Tiffany, Nathan, Lisa, Kimberly, Shannon, and Arnie at us cellular, I now have a new phone. No thanks, and I mean absolutely none, nada, to Maura, madga, Trisha, I hope you are never treated as poorly as you treated me during this process. You give new meaning to the term customer service. There was NONE. Anyway, I am just glad no-one had to die and no animals had to suffer through testing for this to happen. I would tell you all what happened, but I am sooo tired of telling the story, that I just can't do it. So suffice it to say it was a horrible ordeal and it finally got resolved to some level of satisfaction on my part. I guess I should tell you, the other night when I was on hold? Well, the store personnel went home and left me on hold. I was never talked to (unbelievable huh?) over an hour on hold, only to be left on hold to be cut off...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Resurrection Sunday

Today is the day I celebrate my Lord and Saviour. Christmas is great and wonderful, celebrating the birth of Jesus. But this is where he paid the price. Paid it in full. I was talking to a friend the other day and she was saying how she will never be able to measure up, and how she feels like the biggest sinner in the world, I explained to her I totally understand those feelings. I shared with her about how Jesus paid the price. I don't know if she has received that gift yet, but I am going to keep praying for her and sharing with her how awesome God is. I was reminded of those core things I believe through sharing them with someone else. What an awesome gift. I shared with her how there is no way we can ever measure up, and that because of Jesus we don't have to. So Happy resurrection Sunday! He is Risen!

Friday, April 10, 2009

customer service??

What is it with the total lack of customer service these days??you would think in these tough times that people would be a little more eager to please, wouldn't you? I am writing this as I sit on hold with the phone co. on hold for the last 30 minutes, after talking to someone for 20 minutes, after being at the store to get a new phone only to be told I am not eligible to upgrade...What?? what do you mean I can't upgrade..have I not been a loyal and good paying customer for over 15 years? As I sit here waiting for someone "authorized" to speak to me, I wonder how anyone can think it is OK to treat someone like this..although it isn't as tho this is the 911 operator..I am wondering if they think I am going to get tired and just hang up. I may have to if my battery dies. well that's it..I will tell you how it turns out.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

sweet thursday

I really like Thursdays. It is the day I go to speech therapy with Sid. We get to see Christine..(the therapist) who has become such a huge part of our lives. She is one of the fabulous blessings as a result of the stroke. Sid has been seeing her twice a week since November 2007. He started out not knowing the names of body parts like arms, nose, mouth...not knowing where they were on his body. not being able to count to 10. Not being able to say his own name, let alone mine. Not being able to say the much in the communication department that we took for granted. There is so much involved in just saying a much of it requires soo much effort on his part now. But what a testament to the power and grace of a loving God. Sid can count to 100, say his alphabet, say his own name and all his family members names as well. He knows where his nose is and everything else. He rode his motorcycle to a nearby town about 40 miles in the mountains twice this week. What a blessing.Thursday is also bible study night. Here I get to fellowship with some fantastic women who have taught me so much on what it means to be a part of a body. To let others carry the burden for me. To be obedient and how that is not a drag or a chore, but a wonderful way to live. I love them so much and have missed them these last few weeks. So I am off to enjoy the rest of my Thursday....bye

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

work woes

Why is it when you take a vacation from work you work twice as hard the week before you leave and twice as hard the week you return?I swear it is unbelievable. I decided it isn't really a vacation at all, just a redistribution of time in the work load. My boss just chuckled at me. I scheduled this trip in September. Yep, you would think with nearly 8 months notice we would have put a plan in place for someone to be trained somewhat to do my duties, right? Didn't happen. So, I came back to a royal nightmare. Everyone glad to have me back. Even though noone really knows what I do all day at work, they realized there was an awful lot of stuff not getting done, so now they believe me when I say I do more than answer the phone. I mean they didn't even open the mail. COME ON...ANYONE CAN DO THAT. My dog can do I am pleased to say that except for about an hour of filing, I am all caught up with the work that was waiting for me. What a relief. I am so very grateful for my job. especially in these tough times. I get paid well, have decent insurance coverage, and work decent hours. All good. That's enough outa me for now.

Monday, April 6, 2009

home sweet home

home from cali..What a trip! We got to see Zen for the first time in 4 years. it was soo wonderful. I had really come to accept that we would never see her again. God is good. I should have posted yesterday, but I was just too tired from driving. Charyl did a couple hours, and I did the rest. It is a very long way from Disneyland to home. The new granddaughters are delightful an so much fun. It makes me miss my Gramma. She had to be the coolest grown-up in my childhood. I so want to be like her. I think I am a little. got irritated at work. I knew it would be alot of catching up, I didn't realize that noone was going to do any of my work while I was gone.YIKES...I even cried a little bit, then I find myself feeling guilty for not being grateful. grateful for the job, the trip that didn't seem possible a little over a year ago, grateful for my family, for seeing Zen, for Jimmy, that takes such good care of our puppies and home while we are gone. Thank you Lord for the continuous blessing you give us. I will share more later on the trip. If I had been able to post while I was on vaca, it would have been kind of cool, but I will just have to try to wing it with the highlights..more to come