Day 24: what I wish I could change

This has been another one that got me stuck. I want so many things to be different. And, most of them don't have a photo to go along with them. I wish I could change Sid's ability to communicate, I wish I could change the fact that he can no longer ride a motorcycle or drive a car. I wish I could change to a job I LOVE and has good insurance, and decent pay, the things I wish I could change, I have very little to no control over. I certainly can't find a photo to go along with them. I have learned to be grateful for the struggles. In going through these trials, we have learned so very much. So, how could I really wish to change them?
I KNOW things now as a result of pain that I didn't have a clue about before. I KNOW about God's faithfulness. His provision, His Love, Mercy, & Grace. All that stuff I wouldn't have noticed if we hadn't had to rely on HIM and ONLY HIM. I get to share the abundant evidence in our lives with others that are struggling with doubt and fear. I also have those days that I would trade it all to have my sweet husband back. I don't have a post for this category, because I have learned that I trust God, and believe  "that ALL things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." not just some things, or the nice things, or the things I find OK, but ALL things. But, if there was ONE thing, it definitely would be for my sweet man to be able to have the words come easy, to hear his constant chatter that I had so grown used to and didn't realize how much I counted on, to get the several phone calls each day that were him on the other end just to tell me he loved me. But, we WILL be content in our present circumstances, and continue to be grateful for God's constant provision for us. We truly are blessed.

23:picture of my favorite book

OK this was kinda tough. I mean my bible is the one book that I have gotten the most from. I mean it is the living, breathing, Word of God. I totally believe this with all my heart, mind, & soul. I also LOVE to read. Used to be, back BS I would be known to knock a book out in a couple days, no problem. It now takes much longer. I am so exhausted by the time I actually curl up with a book, that I am asleep before getting too far in it. I have hundreds of books and a few dozen that I read over and over and over. So there are 2 photos for this post, My Bible and a favorite series of books that I have enjoyed reading repeatedly.

Day 22: What I wish I were better at

This has and probably always will be something I wish I were better at. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband that loves me in spite of me. I am grateful that I don't spend as much time comparing myself with other wives that are really good at it. Sid always used to tell me that we were gifts to each other from God. I told him that I understood that. I said he was like the shiny cool bike, and I was the tacky scratchy sweater. Both gifts, but definitely not the same caliber. I never understood why he got so angry when I said this. I found a way to tell the truth as I saw it in a humorous way. It wasn't until after the stroke that I began to see what he meant. In his eyes I AM the shiny bike. I just could never see me the way he does. So I will struggle to be a better wife forever.

Day 21:Picture of something I wish I could forget

I am going to warn you, this is a bit disturbing..I spent 8 long days watching my sweet man like this, and it was awful.Valentine's day of last year Sid was put on this ventilator. He had suffered severe complications from a surgery gone beyond bad. He had a softball size clot close off his airway and he was unable to breathe on his own. After they did this, they told me they had just made it in time. Otherwise they would have had to cut a hole in his throat. He underwent several blood transfusions, 3 separate surgeries, infections, pneumonia, and 8 days on life support. 30 days in the hospital, over half of it in ICU. I will tell you at the time we were going through it, I didn't really realize how awful it was. One of the bad things about this is they had to tie his hands down. He was sedated, but still fought the restraints. He has never been able to stand being pinned down or constrained in any way. I told my Mom after he was out of the woods, that it never occurred to me that he may not survive. She told me that it had occurred to everyone else. I am grateful that God gives numbing grace in times like these. I had no time to think that way, I was too busy praying and doing my part in fighting for our life together. You may wonder what provoked me to take the picture. Sid was a heavy smoker for 40+ years until the stroke. He quit the day he had the stroke. It was probably about 11/2- 2 years later that I caught him smoking. I was crushed. I explained to him that by smoking he increased his risk of another stroke by 80%. He promised he would stop.
 you guessed it, I caught him again. This time really got me angry, mainly because someone else had to get him the cigs..grrrr. Well, after much discussion we agreed he would stop. I took the picture so I could show him what I see. I wanted to be able to reach him in a way he could truly grasp. So that fateful day about 7 months ago when I caught him smoking again, I showed him this photo. He hasn't smoked since.

Day 20: photo of somewhere I'd love to travel

I am pretty sure I've said before I lack imagination. I realize it should be a picture of Greece, Israel, Italy, or even The Grand Canyon. Doesn't matter that we've been here before. LOVE LOVE LOVE this place. I would live here if I could. This is a picture of California Screamin, the roller coaster in the newer part of Disneyland-California Adventure. I rode this ride 14 times in a row. After all, it is the happiest place on earth.So, this is it. Lord willing we will get to go back.

Day 19: Picture and a letter

Day 18: picture of my biggest insecurity

If I were smart enough, I would've done this on a photo of myself..
My biggest insecurity is one that is shared with countless others. I didn't know that most of my life, because I was always trying to hide it. I was certainly not going to let anyone else know what was really going on inside of me. I thought I was the ONLY one. It seemed like I was always comparing my insides with everyone else's outsides.  I still carry this around to some extent, but the awareness of it, and the realization that so much of my life was wasted trying to be  ENOUGH in anything, and NEVER attaining it.
Who determines what is smart enough or pretty enough or good enough? I didn't try to do some things for fear of not doing well enough. I have spent alot of my life thinking that if I had tried hard ENOUGH, or prayed ENOUGH, or cared ENOUGH, believing that no matter what that it still would NEVER BE ENOUGH..I have no idea where this came from, or why it still threatens to steal my joy. I have come to the belief that it doesn't matter.
I am ME...and I am the only ME there will ever be. God made me. I am OK with not being ENOUGH, because I no longer feel that enough is ALL there is. I don't have to be something I'm not. Most days, I am totally OK being me. What a precious gift. But, on the days that I'm not....BLECH...

a peak into the madness

It's official. I really AM in need of some help. I had a friend post a question on her facebook page.
"How do you eat your toast? from the bottom on up? or the top on down? I put SERIOUS thought into this. Why can't I put this much thought and effort into things that mean something. I decided to post my answer here. Tell me what you think, PLEASE...

"Oh my goodness. I saw this and thought about it and here's the deal. Am I eating the toast in a restaurant or at home? because they normally cut it at a restaurant, and I don't always cut it at home.Is it cut horizontally or vertically or diagonally? Also, is the toast on it's own or is it accompanying oatmeal, eggs,(I dip my toast in both) or something else. Am I putting only butter on my toast or is it going to have jelly, or perchance some peanut butter? and one of my all time favorites is toast dunked in cocoa. So, I have put much thought in this and determined that regardless if it is cut(which I will eat middle bottom to top) or if it is left whole, I will also eat bottom to top. I really did go through the process in my mind. The only time I may deviate is when it is dunked in the cocoa, which I then tear it in half, and then proceed to tear into bite sized chunks to dunk. I bet you can see now why others find me so annoying."
Don't know about anybody else, but I find me annoying after reading this...sheesh. explains ALOT.

day 17: something that has made huge impact on my life recently

I hate to say it, but it is money. I lost a job where I had made pretty good money. We had gotten alot of the medical bills paid down and things had started looking a bit more optimistic. Then the day that I went in to work, and they told me I didn't work there anymore. Well, God provided a new job almost immediately. I make $800 less a month. What is really cool, is that God has provided. But, I had gotten used to buying things we didn't necessarily need just because we wanted them, they were cute, a good buy, it was pink...whatever. We had thought nothing of going out to eat if we didn't feel like fixing something. I mean it was just the 2 of us, right? Well, we are now on a VERY tight budget and we are not getting the stuff we want whenever we want it. It is hard to explain to Sid, because he doesn't really get it. I now have to put some actual thought and effort into what we spend our money on.I plan menus and buy in bulk and repackage,clip coupons and watch sale ads. Stuff I used to do back in the day, and had gotten out of the habit(lazy). I have been using the cash method of paying for stuff. I have $300 a month to buy groceries,gas,Starbucks,etc.. once that money is gone, well it's gone. So far(Since last August) we have had enough left over at the end of each month to get a pizza, or go for coffee. I had looked at it as a negative, when it has turned out to be another huge piece of evidence we get to have(and hopefully share) of God's abundant provision.

day 16: Photo of someone who inspires me

I have several people in my life that have had huge impacts on me. In so many areas and eras. I could choose so many to highlight for this category. so, can I get a drum roll???  ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

I pick Betty. I call her Mama Betty. She has taught me so much on being grateful in unchosen circumstances. She shows me how to be a loving wife to a husband that is different than the one I married. She shows me how to be graceful(haven't got that down, yet). I try to follow her Godly example. My circumstances are not the same as Mama Betty's, but she too has had a gradual road to where she is today.  I so appreciate her understanding of what I feel. She truly KNOWS. I always feel as if I am complaining when I talk about feeling as though I lost my husband the day Sid had the stroke, even though he is alive and for the most part fairly well. He is a VERY different man.  She continues to share the truth of God's love and provision. And, continues to love me as I am. She shares her experience with me and it allows me to "see" from a different view. She shows me how the Joy of the Lord is her strength, and how it can be mine as well.

acceptance of reality

Well, it has only been a little under a year since Sid was told no more driving. I have finally posted his car for sale. I had been dragging my feet. It was like if I put it up for sale, I was admitting defeat. I wasn't ready to make it final. I mean, it isn't hurting anything just sitting in it's little canvas garage.

Well, the reality is- we could use the money. It just seems like it is one more tangible piece that has to be let go of. We will be celebrating our 25th anniversary this year(God willing), and we have taken a trip to Disneyland for our 5th,10th,15th,and 20th. If we sell the car, we plan on using part of the money to go for our 25th. That helps ease the sting of reality.

Day 15: photo of something I want to do before I die.

OK, here I am again, STUCK. I cannot think of one thing. How lame is that? I have no imagination, or motivation, or whatever it is that other people have. So I finally have decided I'm going to skip day 15. I forgot that I don't have to follow the rules, It's MY BLOG and I get to do what. ever. I. want.
I spent the last 2 weeks obsessing and analyzing, and more obsessing trying to figure this out. I am determined to do this challenge, so I will skip this day for now.