here again

Oh my goodness...
I can't believe it is the middle of July
and this is my first post of the month.
Here's the dealio...I haven't been very
good company the last few weeks. I
have all kinds of reasons(excuses).
Sid fell and then he was just out of sorts
for about a week, I had decided to take
him in to get checked out, and he said
he was fine and refused to go. Well,
I let it go. And I watched him/
do nothing ...absolutely nothing.
He is in bed when I go to work,
and in recliner when I get home.
no sign of activity other than
the dirty dishes in the sink.
for 2 more weeks...where I
felt my ugly self rise to
the surface and the battle was on.
It has been raging pretty much non
stop until yesterday I guess.
I so hate myself when the selfishness
takes over. I had a realization as to
what my problem was. It was a
plain old fashioned hissy fit. And
I had to repent for it. I realized my
discouragement and disappointment
had been left to fester and boy did it
leave an ugly ugly spot..I have been
praying for COMPLETE healing
for Sid. I have been asking God to give
me back the man I love and miss.
And he hasn't done that. I am MAD
and I don't understand why I can't have
what I want!!! I just miss him so much!!
He is right here, yet not. It is so hard
to explain. Just a simple conversation
there is no such thing.


so I of course get stuck in the mire of
self-pity teamed with the self-loathing
that goes with it..the theme here is SELF.
I hope to be coming out of this oh so
familiar place. I have been here way too
long this time.
I did take Sid in to get checked out.
They decided to adjust his meds
and found his blood pressure was sky high
and increased that medication and he
also had irregular heartbeat, so another
test. back again in 2 weeks. I am now
montoring his blood pressure at home.
He did come to my work and bring me
coffee yesterday..first time in weeks
so I will continue to ask for complete
healing, and learn to be grateful for
what God has blessed me with.
We will be celebrating our anniversary
this Sunday.
Hope to do better at this..

constant complainer

I have been studying Moses in the bible study I go to. One of the things that I was convicted of is how I am a complainer. I didn't even notice it. I don't know when it happened, I just know it's true. If anyone asked me before today, I would have said I am a positive, upbeat, person. Yet my actions show an ugly side. I found myself complaining about the garbage cans yet again this morning. As soon as the words were muttered under my breath I caught myself and asked God to forgive me. I repented of this Sin (yes, SIN ) and asked for help. I resolved to not complain. I said to myself surely you can go an entire day without complaining. You would think so, huh? Well, I didn't make it an hour. All of the garbage stuff happened before 5 am. by 5:45 I was complaining about how I can never seem to get my hair straight without it being frizzy, then realized it had started raining, and was a total waste anyway. Just writing this makes me feel sick. So, I caught myself again, repented asked forgiveness. Here we are nearly 14 hours later and I realize I am really messed up. I finally said to myself. Maybe you can do an hour at a time. So, this is definitely something I am going to work on. I have way too much to be grateful for. I also want my witness to be effective, which it won't if I am acting the way I did today.I'll keep ya posted.

Friday and it's early

Ok I am normally up and at em at 4 am every day. But Fridays are tough. I go to bible study on Thursday nights and get in late. Friday is also garbage day. I know you saw my lovely husband in the picture. He is an awesome guy. even before he had a stroke (that is a whole nuther story) he didn't take the trash to the curb. Our son did it until he moved out, and for some strange reason, I picked up that chore. Most days doesn't bother me, but some days I'm like, Dude.. you are home all day. Could you possibly take 5 from the speed channel and give me a hand. =]...bottom line is if I gave him a chance to do it when he wanted to instead of when I think it needed done, he probably would have been doing it all these years..maybe not, too. As I write this I see how easily I slip into pettiness and I hate that about me. Is it really that big a deal?? Come On..it took all of five minutes to gather all the trash in the house and take it out to the big can, (no, I don't save it all up for Friday..lol...yes, I do it during the week as well)..and then drag the big cans down the end of the drive...you know what? He does drag the emptied cans back up to the house..Now that is pretty cool, huh?