day 9: picture of who has gotten me through the most(how bout it ALL?)

Since I don't really have a photo of God, I used this poster of the names of God. There in NO ONE else that can go in this spot. As much as I love the people God has put in my life to help,share,rejoice,live,etc...with, He has been the constant. He has remained faithful, even when I have not. Oh that I would remain faithful. I LOVE JESUS!!

Thank You

I just finished getting ready for work. I don't have to be there for another hour & a half. No big deal
 So I look at Sid and say "well, I'm ready for work." He looks at me and says "Thank You."
He says stuff funny all the time, so I ask him "Thank You? " and he says back "Yeah, Thank you."
So I ask him for what. and he says to me "EVERYTHING" as he's saying it he's waving his arms around like a crazy man. I say back, "Everything? You mean like going to work and stuff?"And he says "Yeah." I told him I wasn't sure anybody really cared or noticed any thing I did, and he says plain as day "Dumbass! That's just Stupid! I LOVE YOU!" I had to share  because it is these moments that make everything OK in my world. God is SO GOOD. He seems to know when I really need a boost. So THANK YOU GOD! Once again you show me how much you love us. I gotta go blow my nose, now..

Christmas cards

I have almost finished getting the Christmas cards ready to mail. It has become somewhat of a big deal to me. I never used to care if I did cards or not. If I felt like it, I did them. If I didn't, well, I didn't.
All that changed the year Sid had his stroke. Seems like so much of our life is categorized BS(before stroke) or AS(after stroke).
Anyway BS I never got too excited one way or the other on cards. There were many years(not necessarily in a row) that I didn't send out any cards. And, other years where it was just family and really close friends. And, other years I gave a card to everyone I knew.
Well, AS for some reason I can't fully explain I have felt the need to send cards out regardless of how I feel. It isn't just the card, either. I always include a short summary of some of the things that have gone on throughout the previous year. One of the reasons I can explain, is that SO many people spent so much time praying for us,encouraging us,supporting us, that I feel it is one tangible way that I can show them we appreciate it. I want to show people how well Sid is doing. I want them to see God's abundant grace mirrored in our lives. I want EVERYONE to know that miracles happen. That contentment(even happiness) is possible regardless of circumstances. That is just a small part that I CAN explain.

so stinkin excited

Today is my day off. I have a different job, and I now work very different schedule.One month days, one month nights. No matter what, I work 6-6. This week I worked Monday & Tuesday, and will go back Friday and work through Sunday. Next week I will only work Wednesday & Thursday. So, I only work 14 days a month. I am home more with Sid, but I miss out on some things I love so much. The pay is much less than we are used to, but God is providing(as always). I have taken tips from others and incorporated a budget and cash only system of shopping for groceries,gas, and other "stuff". I tried doing the shopping once a month only, but it appears I will always need something in between no matter how well I plan. I have now had a small amount of money left over every month so far, so today I am going to lunch with one of my dearest friends. I am on load 2 of laundry, and am just excited to be alive..I love it when I feel like this. I am grateful to be able to enjoy the simple but oh so wonderful things in life that I spent so much time taking for granted and/or complaining about. Well, I am going to go fold some towels...YAY

Goodbye

My sister in law's funeral was today.
It was a nice service and all. Her husband
will miss her so. They would have
celebrated 34 years of marriage tomorrow.
I sat there and reflected on so much.
I, being the self-centered wretch that
I am, thought of how I would be feeling
if I was the one left behind. I have always
told Sid that I hoped to go before him.
I knew he would be alright without me,
but I would never be OK without him.
I then thought of how I have been learning
to be OK without the him I knew since his
stroke. I in a sense lost my husband that day
even though he is here still. I just have a totally
different guy than I started with. Don't , please,
don't think I am complaining about my circumstances.
I am truly just telling it like it is. and no I don't much
care for it most days. But, it is the path the Lord has
put before me. When I think of how "hard" I have it,
I think of countless others in this world who have it
so much tougher than I do. I have a friend who tells
me that maybe I am being prepared for something
through this. I am sure God has a plan and I just hope
that I cooperate and trust Him in it.

here again

Oh my goodness...
I can't believe it is the middle of July
and this is my first post of the month.
Here's the dealio...I haven't been very
good company the last few weeks. I
have all kinds of reasons(excuses).
Sid fell and then he was just out of sorts
for about a week, I had decided to take
him in to get checked out, and he said
he was fine and refused to go. Well,
I let it go. And I watched him/
do nothing ...absolutely nothing.
He is in bed when I go to work,
and in recliner when I get home.
no sign of activity other than
the dirty dishes in the sink.
for 2 more weeks...where I
felt my ugly self rise to
the surface and the battle was on.
It has been raging pretty much non
stop until yesterday I guess.
I so hate myself when the selfishness
takes over. I had a realization as to
what my problem was. It was a
plain old fashioned hissy fit. And
I had to repent for it. I realized my
discouragement and disappointment
had been left to fester and boy did it
leave an ugly ugly spot..I have been
praying for COMPLETE healing
for Sid. I have been asking God to give
me back the man I love and miss.
And he hasn't done that. I am MAD
and I don't understand why I can't have
what I want!!! I just miss him so much!!
He is right here, yet not. It is so hard
to explain. Just a simple conversation
there is no such thing.


so I of course get stuck in the mire of
self-pity teamed with the self-loathing
that goes with it..the theme here is SELF.
I hope to be coming out of this oh so
familiar place. I have been here way too
long this time.
I did take Sid in to get checked out.
They decided to adjust his meds
and found his blood pressure was sky high
and increased that medication and he
also had irregular heartbeat, so another
test. back again in 2 weeks. I am now
montoring his blood pressure at home.
He did come to my work and bring me
coffee yesterday..first time in weeks
so I will continue to ask for complete
healing, and learn to be grateful for
what God has blessed me with.
We will be celebrating our anniversary
this Sunday.
Hope to do better at this..

what next?

I am feeling so blessed and so anxious all at the same time. My boss got fired last week.
This came totally out of left field. I guess if I paid more attention to the politics of work
I would have been more in the know.
I am to be getting a new boss tomorrow.
The rumor is that he is going to fire everyone
and hire his own crew. So, needless to say I am scared.
I know that God is going to take care of us.
I just want it to be easy. I don't want to have to change.
I think I have been through enough already.
As I say this, I see the selfish horrid creature that I am.
I so want to be the woman full of faith and assurance.
I have enormous bags full of evidence to this,
yet here I am again...playing the what if game.
I have absolutely no reason to think I am going to lose my job,
but I am already planning what to do when we lose our home..
This is the kind of stuff that goes on in my head.
I hate that about me. I used to be able to talk to Sid about this stuff,
and he would always steer me right. I miss him so.
And he is RIGHT HERE!!

I don't know how people do life without God.
Especially when it is hard.
I was telling someone the other day that years ago
when Sid had lymphoma and was told he needed
to get his affairs in order, I was always waiting and afraid
of the cancer coming back and taking him.
I never worried that a stroke would strike
(if I wasn't so mired in self pity right now, that would be funny)
oh heck it is funny.(I know it's twisted)
we were struck with a stroke...
That's how this bloggy thing seems to work..
I get brought around to see that I need to
put my eyes on Jesus. To trust in Him.
Paul didn't whine about his circumstances.
He used each one as an opportunity to glorify
God. Why can't I do that? Something to shoot for
I would say. At least I am not stuck in that
horrible stink of self-pity anymore.
Thankful for that..=]

content

I love pancakes..got em for dinner.
Sid fixed them. doesn't get much better than that.
I asked if it was wrong to ask for more
from God where Sid's progress is concerned.
I didn't know if it was in some way a form
of ingratitude. I asked for prayer in that area
last week at ladies bible study.
My sisters assured me it wasn't wrong
to ask God for the desires of my heart.
Well, he isn't talking any better, but
his attitude and desire to pamper me
is waaay better. He has fixed my dinner
3 times in the last week. HUGE, improvement.
I didn't have to ask him, either. He was always
so thoughtful and attentive before the stroke,
and that part of his brain was affected. So, this
last few days I have had even more glimpses
of the "old" Sid, and it gives me hope and
makes me excited to see what God does
for us when we ask. So, I am going to ask
everyone I know to just keep praying for
Sid's continued healing, and for me to be
content with what God blesses me with.

blast from the past

I came home to dinner
cooked for me by my husband...
bacon and cheese omelets..yummy...
I have been working until 6 and it has been difficult to
come home after working 12 hours and fix dinner.
Not to mention Sid doesn't like to eat that late.
What was really cool, is that BTS
(before the stroke) He cooked dinner nearly every
night. He was home before me, it worked for us.
So this was like a deja-vu kind of thing.
I could smell the bacon as soon as I pulled into the driveway.
I love, and I mean ,LOVE bacon. I have flair that says
"bacon the pink vegetable" OH YEAH!! anyway, I digress.
It seems like when I get really down with our circumstances
and how Sid is, He has a day like today, where he is more like he
was. He knew I would be hungry, and
took care of it. He usually just waits for me
to get home to fix something,
or fixes himself a sandwich or something.
He doesn't think of me at all. (not sad, just fact)
I always feel bad for not being more accepting. I STILL
want him back how he used to be. I asked God for that very
thing once again just last week. Sid has made remarkable
progress that I am so very grateful for. So I always wonder
if asking for more is a form of ingratitude. I am so glad God
KNOWS my heart, I certainly don't always know.
I know that it is things like this that encourage me
to stay hopeful, and continue to
push Sid to improve. Think I'll go clean up the
kitchen now. =]

changed my mind

Well, I was gonna change the text colors,
but since I am a pro at changing my blog
background now, I just changed it instead.
And, I think the colors are just fine.
Thanks for the encouragement, Jodi.

I had a pretty rough day at work.
Maybe because I am tired and not
good at accepting criticism. Especially
when I don't believe it is valid. But I
just kept telling myself work as to the
Lord. I reminded myself I am an ambassador
and how I respond to situations is critical.
I did most of this in front of the bathroom
mirror trying to figure out how I was gonna
hide that I had obviously been crying.
Seriously, I have NEVER and I mean
NEVER been reprimanded in any way
at a job, so any type of criticism feels
like a personal assault. I had to really
search and ask God to show me if there
was any truth to it. You know what I got,
There wasn't any truth to the accusations
he faced. He was crucified for my whiny
self. That brought me back to reality.
Some things don't really matter. In a year,
today will be long forgotten. Hopefully,
I'll carry the lesson of the need for
some humility in my attitude.

reflections

Well, it has been a year and a half since Sid had a massive stroke.
Our lives were literally tipped over in a heartbeat.
He was paralyzed on his right side and unable to communicate at all.
He didn't know his own name or recognize his family and friends.
I snuck our dog Samson into the hospital that first night.
Sid loves that dog so much.
Turns out he had a carotid artery completely plugged.
The surgery was risky as the blood flow resuming could cause another stroke.
We had to take that chance, though.
It wouldn't change the damage that had already happened,
it would just unclog the artery.
After the surgery, the surgeon told us that Sid wouldn't get any better
and wouldn't be able to talk again.
I was devastated for like 5 seconds, and then

I was MAD..

I told that Dr. that he was a doctor and that I was a dummy,
but he had NO IDEA OF THE POWER OF GOD.

I told him that Sid would get better.
I was so afraid to say out loud to anyone(what if the Dr. is right?).
He was in the hospital for 10 days.
He was sent to the rehab unit for an estimated three week stint.
(My boss wired me the money because
the rehab place wouldn't take him without a $10,000.00 deposit.)
Well, God had other plans. Sid regained his physical abilities pretty quickly.
His 3 week $35,000.00 rehab stay turned into 4 days and $3,000.00.
The man who didn't know his own name
or where his nose was can now talk with some difficulty.
If you have the patience to listen to him,
he can carry on a conversation.
It has been a wonderful, horrible, exhilarating,
discouraging, hopeful,adventurous,never boring,
constantly learning more, love filled year.
That thanksgiving right after I was wondering how
I was going to pay for groceries
let alone the hospital bills.(no insurance)
We are too well off to qualify for help,
but still needed some.
If you own more than one car you have too many assets
to qualify for help. And I thought we were doing
good trying to stay out of debt..hmm
Once again God showed off.
Friends got together and anonymously slipped us a card with cash more than once.
The hospital reduced the bill a third and agreed to payments.
The church provided our thanksgiving meal.
Our income was cut in half and our bills more than doubled,
yet everything is paid on time.
THAT IS THE AWESOME POWER OF GOD!!!
Up until Oct 18 2008 Sid was driving and during the summer riding his new Harley.
Then he had a seizure..
He was 4 hours away visiting our son,
and the bottom dropped again..
Came to find out seizures aren't uncommon in
brain trauma victims( I sooo hate the word victim)
so no driving for 6 months and seizure meds.
No more seizures, and back to driving...YAY!!!
he did cheat a little bit.=]

It has been an awesome experience to know what I know.
I used to say I believe this and I believe that,
but now I can say I KNOW.
God will take care of us.
Don't get me wrong,
I haven't been thrilled with our circumstances.
I miss Sid the way he used to be.
I have also grown to love the new Sid that I am blessed to have still.
God's faithfulness has been such a gift to experience.
I said a year ago that Sid was going to be exactly
the way God wanted him to be and that I was going to love him.
I told people that we were going to be able
to look back on this past year and say
"Look what God did!"
That has proved to be true.
We've learned to not let our circumstances determine how we are going to be.
Sid still goes to speech therapy twice a week.
He continues to improve.
I changed jobs in April 2008.
The place I had been 17 yrs sold to another company.
The new job has way better medical insurance, which we are both on, now.
Less out of pocket and better coverage.
My Dad died in June,
We lost our old Dog Punkin on father's day
We lost Sid's mom in October.
It has been a season of many changes.
We miss our loved ones, but know they are with the Lord.
We will see them again.
I'm working on not living in fear, God makes that possible.
I am not able to do anything without Him.
We have been so blessed.
How many times have I taken God's blessings for granted?
Or taken credit myself.
Like I have any power of my own?!
I am such a silly creature.(horrid, too).
Thank God for loving me.
Anyway, I think that's enough out of me for now.

home...refreshed

What a great week-end.
Spent it at annual ladies retreat through my church.
This year's theme was portrait of a Godly woman.
I just love these things.
I so needed the fellowship and the time with the Lord.
The fabulous women that came.
I got the opportunity to get to know
so many of the women I see on a weekly
basis on a deeper level. I wish they knew
what a blessing they were to me.
Each and every one in their own
special way. But oh was I glad to get home
I missed my Sid. When I asked him if he missed
me, he said "what you are dummy?" which in
translation is What are you crazy? I missed you like mad!!
Last year's retreat was the first time I left him home alone
after the stroke. The stroke happened Oct. 25, 2007 btw.
So, I had to reflect on how far God has brought us in this
last year. I had absolutely no fear or worries about
leaving him this year compared to being consumed with them
last year. I arranged to having people check on him and "drop"
by, and this year I didn't do any of that.

I am really looking forward to implementing some of the things I
felt the Lord putting on my heart this week-end. More to be revealed
on that front. dealing mostly with the choices I make, and if they reflect
God's character in them. Areas that were reinforced..thank you Lord!!

Hearing from God

Well, it's Thursday night, and no ladies study.


I found out last night it was canceled.


I had about half of my homework done.


Talked to my good friend and she told me to finish it anyway.


I seriously considered just letting it slide.


Well, I went ahead and finished the homework.


Guess what?


yep, That thing I've been agonizing over ?


and praying about?


and really believing I was trusting and seeking?

I found thru finishing this week's study homework, that I was NOT.

I had once again made decisions based on self-seeking motives.

(sin)

That wouldn't be so bad, but I did this while asking God for direction and

I hadn't received any direction,

and decided to go a certain way anyway.

(sin)

So, this morning when I was finishing up the homework I got the blessing of


HEARING from the Lord.

All this as a result of acting out of


obedience to finish the homework. So I now KNOW

what I am supposed to do


NOTHING.

I am to enjoy and be grateful for

the wonderful life I have been blessed with .

"Keep back your servant from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me. Then I shall be blameless, and I shall be innocent of great transgression" (Psalm 19:12)

I stand in awe

Hey..Don't know if I am gonna be able to do this one.

My husband just left the house to go to men's bible study at church.

I know that may not seem like a major big deal, but it really is.

HUGE, really......HUGE .

Even before the stroke, he wouldn't have been going.

Just not his deal.

He doesn't hang out with other guys.

He barely hangs out with me. =]


So, here I sit once again with another bit of evidence for the file

of how God ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS IS FAITHFUL.


Don't ask me why this is so important to me.

I know how much I have been blessed through participating in the Ladies bible study,

so I guess I just wished the same sort of thing for him.

I get to go to work and interact with other people every day.

He sits at home and watches TV most days. I don't know how he doesn't

lose his mind, but he seems to be content.

I have to remember I am the crazy one. The one prone to ungrateful,

discontentedness with things that are totally out of my control.


I am just blown away by God's grace, even though I shouldn't be surprised.


Our lives have been so abundantly covered in grace, I don't know how I can


ever be the way I get soo often. impatient and uncertain. Full of questions and


doubts...the what if game is always on..


Just today I was praying and told God I just wanted to "FEEL"


that I was moving in the right direction...


To "KNOW" what He wanted me to do



...Something...




Nothing.




.and it came to me




JUST TRUST AND OBEY...


So I am once again in that very familiar place



of asking forgiveness and being thankful that I am so loved..

feelin the pressure

OK. I admit it. I want to have something to say here.

I want to touch people's lives. I want to make you laugh, cry, think about a friend you haven't thought about in a while. remember a childhood memory.

I guess I just want to feel like I matter somehow.

I am crying now, because I realize just how shallow and sick that sounds.

But it is how I feel.

right now.

right this minute.

I am so very aware how small and insignificant I am. I am also aware of how important I am.

Just NOW...AND I MEAN JUST NOW

it was like God reminded me that if I am sooo unimportant and soo insignificant,

why did He send His Son to die on the cross for my sin?

HMM God is so good all of the time.

I am hoping you believe me. I just type the words, and sometimes I post what I write, and sometimes I erase it.

So here I am again, Totally knocked over by God's timing and gentle chastening.

He loves me, and he loves you too.

So, thanks for letting me be me.

clean house

I came home today, and while I was at work, My sister in law had came and cleaned our home. It needed cleaned, too. I am what is called a terrible housekeeper. I know how to do the chores, I just seem to find other things to do, instead. I was better at this stuff when I was a working mom with kids at home. Now a working empty nester with an at home husband, you would think it would be a breeze, right? WRONG....Honestly, it is all I can do to keep up with the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, grocery shopping, and meals. I just don't make it a priority like I used to. We don't seem to be too damaged by my laziness, but at times I am ashamed and embarrassed by it. I have always wanted to be one of those wives that loves to do housework, and is crafty and just knows how to arrange a room. I am not gifted in those areas AT ALL. I then feel guilty and beat myself up because I don't measure up. Who says? why me of course. I also can't seem to get past my pride and ask for help in these areas. I have several friends that are oozing with these gifts and would be more than happy to help me, but I don't want to admit I need help, I keep forgetting that I am the only one judging me so harshly. I am so very thankful that God is not done with me, and He continues to show me His love and grace. So I get to truly relax this weekend with no guilt for the chores not getting done, Thanks to my dear Esther.

Scooter Madness

Wow. I got to ride my motorcycle today.. I absolutely love it. I always wanted to have a harley of my own and ride it myself. I love riding on the back of my husband's bike and have done that for years. Guess what kept me from getting my own bike? Yep, you guessed right my own fear. I wasn't even so scared of crashing and hurting myself. I, being the intellectual giant that I am, was most concerned with "looking stupid"... I was worried if I did crash, or drop it I would be embarrassed and people would just shake their heads and say...women shouldn't ride motorcycles. I was raised by a very old fashioned ex-marine turned southern baptist preacher, so it is no wonder I have these pre-conceived notions of what anyone may or may not be thinking. The total self absorption that everyone is concerned with what I may or may not be doing is ALL mine, though. God is working on that one. I used to drink, and I used to smoke(cigarettes) and I get this AHHH when I initially take that first puff or sip(used to anyway), well, that is the very exact feeling when I am riding...just that everything is OK.. I am so grateful I was able to walk through that fear. I took a motorcycle training course to see if I even had any business owning a bike. Passed that with flying colors and had my first bike the very next week-end. My husband was a little apprehensive at first, but when I told him that if I kill myself while riding I'll be with Jesus,and if I don't I'll be with him(husband)--win-win situation. Totally sold him....

Resurrection Sunday

Today is the day I celebrate my Lord and Saviour. Christmas is great and wonderful, celebrating the birth of Jesus. But this is where he paid the price. Paid it in full. I was talking to a friend the other day and she was saying how she will never be able to measure up, and how she feels like the biggest sinner in the world, I explained to her I totally understand those feelings. I shared with her about how Jesus paid the price. I don't know if she has received that gift yet, but I am going to keep praying for her and sharing with her how awesome God is. I was reminded of those core things I believe through sharing them with someone else. What an awesome gift. I shared with her how there is no way we can ever measure up, and that because of Jesus we don't have to. So Happy resurrection Sunday! He is Risen!

3 days til take-off

Wow!! it seems all I can think about is this vacation. I am just so excited.... Not only do we get to spend a full week with our four new granddaughters at Disneyland, We get to see Zen... who we haven't seen in over 4 years... Hopefully she will get to go to Disneyland with us for a couple days..we'll see. Just a year and a half ago it didn't seem like anything good would ever happen again, and here we are with so much good that has happened and more to look forward to. Seems like our life is defined by "before the stroke" and "After the stroke". I wonder if it will ever just BE again? I guess it doesn't really matter, the fact is that our life was dramatically changed in a heartbeat...We have so much to be grateful for...and are!! God is so good..He is faithful and has blessed us so abundantly. The great lessons we have learned as a result of hard times...priceless.