Day 31: a picture of me

I can't believe it. Finally finished. Only took 65 days to do the 31 day challenge. I had no idea it would BE such a challenge. I mean it's just pictures, right? I think I just make things harder than they really are. I am glad I did it, though. I was able to share a little bit more of who I am through doing it. I think it was the photo portion that I found daunting alot of the time. Anyway, that's enough outa me.

Day 30: picture of someone I miss

My Daddy in Banff

This is my Daddy. The photo was taken probably 6 years before he died. He Loved to go places. He would winter in Arizona & summer in our back yard. Until his health got too bad for him to go. The last few years of his life he held on to his independence with a death grip. He never let go up until his last day. I miss him so very much. It will be 3 years this June and I still find myself picking up the phone to tell him something that happened, or when I am driving by the trailer court he used to live, I will turn in and remember...He's not there. The  "Daddy's Little Girl" will always be a part of who I am, no matter how old I get. He was the one person on the planet besides Sid that thought I was "ALL THAT!!"  I will always be grateful to have been blessed with a Loving Daddy. I didn't always appreciate him. Those awful teen-age years when I thought he was the meanest person on the planet. I told him so, too. He proceeded to "stay out" of my life for 2 weeks straight. I tried to talk to him or tell him something, and he would just get up without saying anything and walk away. I never realized until years later how that nearly killed him. He taught me a powerful lesson. He showed me that it was ALL OR NOTHING. I of course wanted it ALL. Years later I truly appreciated his strict ways. I hate to think how I may have turned out left without that stable,unwavering,upbringing. So, I can truthfully say we had nothing left unsaid or undone. I have been blessed beyond measure. He was an ornery,opinionated,hard to know guy. but once you got past all that, there was a huge heart willing to do anything to help someone else. He was always there for me, no matter what. I will miss him as long as I live, but I am comforted greatly knowing he is with Jesus, and I will see him again. Hope is a wonderful thing.

Day 29:picture that can always make me smile

his & hers pedicures..

This is another one that has stumping potential. There are probably thousands of photos that can make me smile. I have spent all of my adult life with Sid. And one of his major goals was keeping a smile on my face. So I am going to post a few of the most recent photos that make me smile now, and will make me smile for years to come.



on our way to church valentine's dinner



always goofing off & making me laugh



picking out my valentine.

I could post pictures of family, friends, critters, and all kinds of stuff that makes me smile. I am normally smiling anyway. But,
when I look at any of these photos, my heart smiles too.

Day 28:Something I'm afraid of

OK, I was going to put spiders here, but the pictures were too GRUESOME & CREEPY to even attempt. I am itching & squirming just thinking about them. ACK!!!
 So, it is fire. I have a fear of fire. I am a bit paranoid to use even our gas stove because I am afraid a chimney fire may start. We had wood heat only for a few years and I got very little sleep because I just KNEW the house was going to burn down. I won't use my clothes dryer unless I am home, I don't like extension cords, etc.. I have absolutely no reasonable explanation. I don't know anyone who had their house burn down, I can't explain it. But I AM afraid of fire.(& spiders)

Day 27:Photo of me & a family member

Veronica, Marty, Sid, & I at our family reunion last summer.

Day 26: picture of something that means alot to me

Our little critters mean the world to me. They are obnoxious and a bit spoiled, but we wouldn't have them any other way. I would have posted a photo of all of them together, but I don't have a good one. Do you know how hard it is to get 4 dogs to behave at the same time to get a decent photo of them? I will tell you: I haven't found it to be possible, yet. Ebony is a little diva and oh so sweet. MoJo is my snuggle buddy, KanDee is the baby even though MoJo is the youngest, and Samson is the one that keeps an eye on Sid. I snuck him into the hospital in my purse to visit Sid after the stroke. Sid didn't recognize me or the kids, but as soon as I put Sammy on his chest the lights came on just a little bit. Needless to say, Sammy gets away with ANYTHING..

Day 25: photo of my day

OK, here it is. Nothing special or extraordinary. A typical day off list for me. It started at 4am, and I expect it will end about 7:30. I still have to tan, and pick Ebony up from the Vet at 3. Dinner is started, but I will finish it closer to dinner time. Chicken Alfredo, YUMMY. I really shouldn't have checked off the laundry since it is dry but still in the dryer. But, odds are good that I will dress out of the dryer the next few days. Good thing I can wear sweats and a T-shirt to work, huh? I don't have a nap on the list, but I have a free hour & half before my tanning appt..hmmm, SEE YA!!

Day 24: what I wish I could change

This has been another one that got me stuck. I want so many things to be different. And, most of them don't have a photo to go along with them. I wish I could change Sid's ability to communicate, I wish I could change the fact that he can no longer ride a motorcycle or drive a car. I wish I could change to a job I LOVE and has good insurance, and decent pay, the things I wish I could change, I have very little to no control over. I certainly can't find a photo to go along with them. I have learned to be grateful for the struggles. In going through these trials, we have learned so very much. So, how could I really wish to change them?
I KNOW things now as a result of pain that I didn't have a clue about before. I KNOW about God's faithfulness. His provision, His Love, Mercy, & Grace. All that stuff I wouldn't have noticed if we hadn't had to rely on HIM and ONLY HIM. I get to share the abundant evidence in our lives with others that are struggling with doubt and fear. I also have those days that I would trade it all to have my sweet husband back. I don't have a post for this category, because I have learned that I trust God, and believe  "that ALL things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." not just some things, or the nice things, or the things I find OK, but ALL things. But, if there was ONE thing, it definitely would be for my sweet man to be able to have the words come easy, to hear his constant chatter that I had so grown used to and didn't realize how much I counted on, to get the several phone calls each day that were him on the other end just to tell me he loved me. But, we WILL be content in our present circumstances, and continue to be grateful for God's constant provision for us. We truly are blessed.

Day 22: What I wish I were better at

This has and probably always will be something I wish I were better at. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband that loves me in spite of me. I am grateful that I don't spend as much time comparing myself with other wives that are really good at it. Sid always used to tell me that we were gifts to each other from God. I told him that I understood that. I said he was like the shiny cool bike, and I was the tacky scratchy sweater. Both gifts, but definitely not the same caliber. I never understood why he got so angry when I said this. I found a way to tell the truth as I saw it in a humorous way. It wasn't until after the stroke that I began to see what he meant. In his eyes I AM the shiny bike. I just could never see me the way he does. So I will struggle to be a better wife forever.

Day 21:Picture of something I wish I could forget

I am going to warn you, this is a bit disturbing..I spent 8 long days watching my sweet man like this, and it was awful.Valentine's day of last year Sid was put on this ventilator. He had suffered severe complications from a surgery gone beyond bad. He had a softball size clot close off his airway and he was unable to breathe on his own. After they did this, they told me they had just made it in time. Otherwise they would have had to cut a hole in his throat. He underwent several blood transfusions, 3 separate surgeries, infections, pneumonia, and 8 days on life support. 30 days in the hospital, over half of it in ICU. I will tell you at the time we were going through it, I didn't really realize how awful it was. One of the bad things about this is they had to tie his hands down. He was sedated, but still fought the restraints. He has never been able to stand being pinned down or constrained in any way. I told my Mom after he was out of the woods, that it never occurred to me that he may not survive. She told me that it had occurred to everyone else. I am grateful that God gives numbing grace in times like these. I had no time to think that way, I was too busy praying and doing my part in fighting for our life together. You may wonder what provoked me to take the picture. Sid was a heavy smoker for 40+ years until the stroke. He quit the day he had the stroke. It was probably about 11/2- 2 years later that I caught him smoking. I was crushed. I explained to him that by smoking he increased his risk of another stroke by 80%. He promised he would stop.
 you guessed it, I caught him again. This time really got me angry, mainly because someone else had to get him the cigs..grrrr. Well, after much discussion we agreed he would stop. I took the picture so I could show him what I see. I wanted to be able to reach him in a way he could truly grasp. So that fateful day about 7 months ago when I caught him smoking again, I showed him this photo. He hasn't smoked since.

Day 20: photo of somewhere I'd love to travel

I am pretty sure I've said before I lack imagination. I realize it should be a picture of Greece, Israel, Italy, or even The Grand Canyon. Doesn't matter that we've been here before. LOVE LOVE LOVE this place. I would live here if I could. This is a picture of California Screamin, the roller coaster in the newer part of Disneyland-California Adventure. I rode this ride 14 times in a row. After all, it is the happiest place on earth.So, this is it. Lord willing we will get to go back.

Day 19: Picture and a letter

Day 18: picture of my biggest insecurity

If I were smart enough, I would've done this on a photo of myself..
My biggest insecurity is one that is shared with countless others. I didn't know that most of my life, because I was always trying to hide it. I was certainly not going to let anyone else know what was really going on inside of me. I thought I was the ONLY one. It seemed like I was always comparing my insides with everyone else's outsides.  I still carry this around to some extent, but the awareness of it, and the realization that so much of my life was wasted trying to be  ENOUGH in anything, and NEVER attaining it.
Who determines what is smart enough or pretty enough or good enough? I didn't try to do some things for fear of not doing well enough. I have spent alot of my life thinking that if I had tried hard ENOUGH, or prayed ENOUGH, or cared ENOUGH, believing that no matter what that it still would NEVER BE ENOUGH..I have no idea where this came from, or why it still threatens to steal my joy. I have come to the belief that it doesn't matter.
I am ME...and I am the only ME there will ever be. God made me. I am OK with not being ENOUGH, because I no longer feel that enough is ALL there is. I don't have to be something I'm not. Most days, I am totally OK being me. What a precious gift. But, on the days that I'm not....BLECH...

day 17: something that has made huge impact on my life recently

I hate to say it, but it is money. I lost a job where I had made pretty good money. We had gotten alot of the medical bills paid down and things had started looking a bit more optimistic. Then the day that I went in to work, and they told me I didn't work there anymore. Well, God provided a new job almost immediately. I make $800 less a month. What is really cool, is that God has provided. But, I had gotten used to buying things we didn't necessarily need just because we wanted them, they were cute, a good buy, it was pink...whatever. We had thought nothing of going out to eat if we didn't feel like fixing something. I mean it was just the 2 of us, right? Well, we are now on a VERY tight budget and we are not getting the stuff we want whenever we want it. It is hard to explain to Sid, because he doesn't really get it. I now have to put some actual thought and effort into what we spend our money on.I plan menus and buy in bulk and repackage,clip coupons and watch sale ads. Stuff I used to do back in the day, and had gotten out of the habit(lazy). I have been using the cash method of paying for stuff. I have $300 a month to buy groceries,gas,Starbucks,etc.. once that money is gone, well it's gone. So far(Since last August) we have had enough left over at the end of each month to get a pizza, or go for coffee. I had looked at it as a negative, when it has turned out to be another huge piece of evidence we get to have(and hopefully share) of God's abundant provision.

day 16: Photo of someone who inspires me

I have several people in my life that have had huge impacts on me. In so many areas and eras. I could choose so many to highlight for this category. so, can I get a drum roll???  ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

I pick Betty. I call her Mama Betty. She has taught me so much on being grateful in unchosen circumstances. She shows me how to be a loving wife to a husband that is different than the one I married. She shows me how to be graceful(haven't got that down, yet). I try to follow her Godly example. My circumstances are not the same as Mama Betty's, but she too has had a gradual road to where she is today.  I so appreciate her understanding of what I feel. She truly KNOWS. I always feel as if I am complaining when I talk about feeling as though I lost my husband the day Sid had the stroke, even though he is alive and for the most part fairly well. He is a VERY different man.  She continues to share the truth of God's love and provision. And, continues to love me as I am. She shares her experience with me and it allows me to "see" from a different view. She shows me how the Joy of the Lord is her strength, and how it can be mine as well.

Day 15: photo of something I want to do before I die.

OK, here I am again, STUCK. I cannot think of one thing. How lame is that? I have no imagination, or motivation, or whatever it is that other people have. So I finally have decided I'm going to skip day 15. I forgot that I don't have to follow the rules, It's MY BLOG and I get to do what. ever. I. want.
I spent the last 2 weeks obsessing and analyzing, and more obsessing trying to figure this out. I am determined to do this challenge, so I will skip this day for now.

day 14: person I can't imagine my life without.

This is no big surprise. I knew when I started this challenge that Sid was going to dominate
alot of the days. I have had the last few years (since the stroke) to get a taste of my life without
him. In many ways I "lost" him the day he had the stroke. The man I married is still in there, but
changed in so many ways. I joke and tell people I got a "brand new" husband. I have grown to
know and love the new one so very much. And every so often I get a taste of the "old" husband.

day 13: my favorite artist

I Love Wy..there is something about her that I relate to. Not to mention, the phenomenal voice.  Love Her

Day 12: picture of something I love

day 11: picture of something I hate

Blech...I nearly gag just looking at the photo. I HATE peas.
you know how when you're a kid and your parents tell you if you don't finish your dinner you are going to get it for breakfast? or you are going to sit at the table until you finish your dinner. Well, I won this battle as a young toddler. after falling asleep at the table, and going 6 meals without eating the peas, they decided maybe I really didn't like them and shouldn't have to eat them. YA THINK?? still hate them.