Day 21:Picture of something I wish I could forget

I am going to warn you, this is a bit disturbing..I spent 8 long days watching my sweet man like this, and it was awful.Valentine's day of last year Sid was put on this ventilator. He had suffered severe complications from a surgery gone beyond bad. He had a softball size clot close off his airway and he was unable to breathe on his own. After they did this, they told me they had just made it in time. Otherwise they would have had to cut a hole in his throat. He underwent several blood transfusions, 3 separate surgeries, infections, pneumonia, and 8 days on life support. 30 days in the hospital, over half of it in ICU. I will tell you at the time we were going through it, I didn't really realize how awful it was. One of the bad things about this is they had to tie his hands down. He was sedated, but still fought the restraints. He has never been able to stand being pinned down or constrained in any way. I told my Mom after he was out of the woods, that it never occurred to me that he may not survive. She told me that it had occurred to everyone else. I am grateful that God gives numbing grace in times like these. I had no time to think that way, I was too busy praying and doing my part in fighting for our life together. You may wonder what provoked me to take the picture. Sid was a heavy smoker for 40+ years until the stroke. He quit the day he had the stroke. It was probably about 11/2- 2 years later that I caught him smoking. I was crushed. I explained to him that by smoking he increased his risk of another stroke by 80%. He promised he would stop.
 you guessed it, I caught him again. This time really got me angry, mainly because someone else had to get him the cigs..grrrr. Well, after much discussion we agreed he would stop. I took the picture so I could show him what I see. I wanted to be able to reach him in a way he could truly grasp. So that fateful day about 7 months ago when I caught him smoking again, I showed him this photo. He hasn't smoked since.

day 14: person I can't imagine my life without.

This is no big surprise. I knew when I started this challenge that Sid was going to dominate
alot of the days. I have had the last few years (since the stroke) to get a taste of my life without
him. In many ways I "lost" him the day he had the stroke. The man I married is still in there, but
changed in so many ways. I joke and tell people I got a "brand new" husband. I have grown to
know and love the new one so very much. And every so often I get a taste of the "old" husband.

day 6: picture of person I'd love to trade places for a day

OK, I got super stuck on this one. I became paralyzed with the overanalyzation,(yes, this is now a word) that only a few can truly understand. I mean would it be like Freaky Friday and I would still be me but live as someone else? Would I remember what it was like to be them? Would they get to be me?
And, then all of those questions would determine my choices.
ARGHHH...and, I remembered. This is MY BLOG. There are NO RULES. I am not being graded on any of this. If I do it "wrong" what is the worst thing that will happen? You think reading this is confusing, try living inside my head..not a pretty sight. So I picked my sweet husband.

I often wonder what it is like for him. He can't tell me what it is like, and I can only assume.
So I would choose him, and I would really pay attention to how he feels, and what it's like to know what you want to say and be completely unable to get the words to come. To see if it hurts him like it hurts me to see people look at him with disgust because he doesn't remember it's bad manners to belch really loud in public.(he did it the other night at Starbucks. I proceeded to tell him "Good One! did ya get any on ya?") so that is my reason for choosing my Sidney, I really want to KNOW what a day in his body feels like.

Thank You

I just finished getting ready for work. I don't have to be there for another hour & a half. No big deal
 So I look at Sid and say "well, I'm ready for work." He looks at me and says "Thank You."
He says stuff funny all the time, so I ask him "Thank You? " and he says back "Yeah, Thank you."
So I ask him for what. and he says to me "EVERYTHING" as he's saying it he's waving his arms around like a crazy man. I say back, "Everything? You mean like going to work and stuff?"And he says "Yeah." I told him I wasn't sure anybody really cared or noticed any thing I did, and he says plain as day "Dumbass! That's just Stupid! I LOVE YOU!" I had to share  because it is these moments that make everything OK in my world. God is SO GOOD. He seems to know when I really need a boost. So THANK YOU GOD! Once again you show me how much you love us. I gotta go blow my nose, now..

reflecting

As the 2 year anniversary of Sid's stroke approaches, I find myself in reflection.
Thoughts of how much our lives changed in that instant.
How we went to bed one night with plans for the next day, week,
month, years, and that all changed in a heartbeat. I find myself
full of gratitude for what we have and the blessings we have
received and also full of thoughts of what ifs. How would our
lives be if the stroke had never happened. would we still be
happy? in love? grateful for the simple things that are so often
taken for granted? Honestly the one thing I can't seem to let go
of the anger and sadness and that overwhelming sense of loss
is missing a plain old regular normal conversation. My man was the
talker in the family, and I just plain miss him. I literally got a new
husband that day. Don't misunderstand, I love him, just miss the
man I married. So I will be in this reflective way for the next few
days, and hope to focus on the gains and not the losses. For in
our loss we had enormous gain. For that I am grateful.

getting closer

Well, the man is doing a bit better today.
longer stretches between the pain meds
and he rested most of the day. He finally
ate more than 4 bites of food. It was like
10 bites. I told him he has to be better
within 75 days. That is when we leave
for our Disneyland Christmas. That
made him smile. So I will use that
as a motivator to help him in his
recovering process. We had already
decided to rent a scooter chair for
him since he tires so easily. That
decision was justified after a day at the
fair last week-end left him hobbling
around the next day. Spent much of the
day just playing on facebook watching
him sleep. Being grateful. Grateful
for the constant outpouring of love
and support and encouragement.
Grateful for being able to hope and
believe. Grateful to know that this
is all temporary and eternity is just
around the corner. Grateful that I can
be grateful. That is truly a gift.

c'mon boring

this is the phone call I got Tuesday at work.
"Mrs. Peterson?" I say, yes.
They say "this is memorial hospital, and
Sidney has been in a motorcycle accident."
I ask "is he alright?" they say...
"he's alive." then the phone goes dead.
AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.
I grab keys and race to the hospital.
I get there to find him bruised and slightly
broken and very much alive. exhale....
the ER people are asking him questions
and he is talking like he does since the stroke,
and they tell me, they have done a scan of his
brain as there appears to be some trauma. I
tell them he is fine, he just talks like that since the
stroke. They were like, "oh, this is normal?"
I said "yep, it is for us anyway."
they don't even clean his scrapes or bandage
him up, sent him home with the IV thing still
in his arm. I took it out the next day, as I really
thought I would be taking him back, which I did.
they missed the broken collar bone, fingers, and foot
other than that, he is in pretty good shape.
2 ambulance rides in a week's time is just too
much excitement for this old girl.(aging faster
all the time)
Just looking forward to humdrum, nothing out
of the ordinary. Next day pretty much the same as
the one before, for just a while anyway. I am tired.
poor guy didn't sleep much for the first 3 days.
finally got some decent rest last night. hoping to
get some more tonight. Oh, and he wrecked on
his way to surprise me with lunch. I love this
sweet man that God gifted me with. I just want
to keep him healthy and uninjured. Oh and I still
want a complete normal conversation, too.
But, I will be content in whatever my circumstance
even if I don't like it much.

here again

Well, I am embarrassed to even come back after such hit and miss blogging.
Much has been happening, at work at home, with Sid's health.
I will just give a quick rundown of last couple weeks if possible.
Sid is anemic and needed to have iron infusions. at the first one
he fainted --- twice. His feet swelled up to size of small watermelons
with frankfurter toes, and his heart rate and blood pressure went
crazy. this all earned him an ambulance ride to the hospital for
a overnight lodging. it was all very scary. He was looked at by a
neurologist that determined he just fainted. No seizure, no stroke
no damage..Praise God. He is now off the blood pressure meds he
has been taking for almost 2 years. I guess anemia will lower blood
pressure, too. So I missed 2 days of work to be with him. When I
went back to work, my boss says to me. "Oh, we really appreciate you
and how hard you work. We are paying you for the time you were off."
I just started crying and said thank you. I am so grateful for the
blessings that come. I figured I would use a sick day and just scrimp
on the other day, but once again God showed off in our life. So we go again
for another iron infusion this Wednesday. Hopefully it will be
drama free. Hoping I can be more consistent with this blog.
Time will tell, I guess.

still workin...

Well, I didn't get canned, yet.
The new boss told me he wasn't going to fire anyone right away,
he didn't want to be stuck doing all the work.
I think it is probably going to be just fine.
Sid brought me iced coffee at work today. =]
That is 5 out of the last 7 workdays that he
has thoughtfully treated me.
I forgot how much I missed being spoiled by him.
He used to tell me what he lived to do was see me smile.
So he naturally went out of his way for that to happen.
Simple things like calling me several times a day just to say
" hi gorgeous, I love you!"
I don't think he has called me gorgeous since the stroke.
That would have to be one of the thingsI miss the most,
the 45 second phone calls throughout
the day just to tell me he was thinking of me.
I just continue to ask for complete healing
and praise God for the constant grace.
We are so very blessed.

what next?

I am feeling so blessed and so anxious all at the same time. My boss got fired last week.
This came totally out of left field. I guess if I paid more attention to the politics of work
I would have been more in the know.
I am to be getting a new boss tomorrow.
The rumor is that he is going to fire everyone
and hire his own crew. So, needless to say I am scared.
I know that God is going to take care of us.
I just want it to be easy. I don't want to have to change.
I think I have been through enough already.
As I say this, I see the selfish horrid creature that I am.
I so want to be the woman full of faith and assurance.
I have enormous bags full of evidence to this,
yet here I am again...playing the what if game.
I have absolutely no reason to think I am going to lose my job,
but I am already planning what to do when we lose our home..
This is the kind of stuff that goes on in my head.
I hate that about me. I used to be able to talk to Sid about this stuff,
and he would always steer me right. I miss him so.
And he is RIGHT HERE!!

I don't know how people do life without God.
Especially when it is hard.
I was telling someone the other day that years ago
when Sid had lymphoma and was told he needed
to get his affairs in order, I was always waiting and afraid
of the cancer coming back and taking him.
I never worried that a stroke would strike
(if I wasn't so mired in self pity right now, that would be funny)
oh heck it is funny.(I know it's twisted)
we were struck with a stroke...
That's how this bloggy thing seems to work..
I get brought around to see that I need to
put my eyes on Jesus. To trust in Him.
Paul didn't whine about his circumstances.
He used each one as an opportunity to glorify
God. Why can't I do that? Something to shoot for
I would say. At least I am not stuck in that
horrible stink of self-pity anymore.
Thankful for that..=]

sweet thursday

I really like Thursdays. It is the day I go to speech therapy with Sid. We get to see Christine..(the therapist) who has become such a huge part of our lives. She is one of the fabulous blessings as a result of the stroke. Sid has been seeing her twice a week since November 2007. He started out not knowing the names of body parts like arms, nose, mouth...not knowing where they were on his body. not being able to count to 10. Not being able to say his own name, let alone mine. Not being able to say the alphabet...so much in the communication department that we took for granted. There is so much involved in just saying a sentence...so much of it requires soo much effort on his part now. But what a testament to the power and grace of a loving God. Sid can count to 100, say his alphabet, say his own name and all his family members names as well. He knows where his nose is and everything else. He rode his motorcycle to a nearby town about 40 miles in the mountains twice this week. What a blessing.Thursday is also bible study night. Here I get to fellowship with some fantastic women who have taught me so much on what it means to be a part of a body. To let others carry the burden for me. To be obedient and how that is not a drag or a chore, but a wonderful way to live. I love them so much and have missed them these last few weeks. So I am off to enjoy the rest of my Thursday....bye