My sister in law's funeral was today.
It was a nice service and all. Her husband
will miss her so. They would have
celebrated 34 years of marriage tomorrow.
I sat there and reflected on so much.
I, being the self-centered wretch that
I am, thought of how I would be feeling
if I was the one left behind. I have always
told Sid that I hoped to go before him.
I knew he would be alright without me,
but I would never be OK without him.
I then thought of how I have been learning
to be OK without the him I knew since his
stroke. I in a sense lost my husband that day
even though he is here still. I just have a totally
different guy than I started with. Don't , please,
don't think I am complaining about my circumstances.
I am truly just telling it like it is. and no I don't much
care for it most days. But, it is the path the Lord has
put before me. When I think of how "hard" I have it,
I think of countless others in this world who have it
so much tougher than I do. I have a friend who tells
me that maybe I am being prepared for something
through this. I am sure God has a plan and I just hope
that I cooperate and trust Him in it.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
what next?
I am feeling so blessed and so anxious all at the same time. My boss got fired last week.
This came totally out of left field. I guess if I paid more attention to the politics of work
I would have been more in the know.
I am to be getting a new boss tomorrow.
The rumor is that he is going to fire everyone
and hire his own crew. So, needless to say I am scared.
I know that God is going to take care of us.
I just want it to be easy. I don't want to have to change.
I think I have been through enough already.
As I say this, I see the selfish horrid creature that I am.
I so want to be the woman full of faith and assurance.
I have enormous bags full of evidence to this,
yet here I am again...playing the what if game.
I have absolutely no reason to think I am going to lose my job,
but I am already planning what to do when we lose our home..
This is the kind of stuff that goes on in my head.
I hate that about me. I used to be able to talk to Sid about this stuff,
and he would always steer me right. I miss him so.
And he is RIGHT HERE!!
I don't know how people do life without God.
Especially when it is hard.
I was telling someone the other day that years ago
when Sid had lymphoma and was told he needed
to get his affairs in order, I was always waiting and afraid
of the cancer coming back and taking him.
I never worried that a stroke would strike
(if I wasn't so mired in self pity right now, that would be funny)
oh heck it is funny.(I know it's twisted)
we were struck with a stroke...
That's how this bloggy thing seems to work..
I get brought around to see that I need to
put my eyes on Jesus. To trust in Him.
Paul didn't whine about his circumstances.
He used each one as an opportunity to glorify
God. Why can't I do that? Something to shoot for
I would say. At least I am not stuck in that
horrible stink of self-pity anymore.
Thankful for that..=]
This came totally out of left field. I guess if I paid more attention to the politics of work
I would have been more in the know.
I am to be getting a new boss tomorrow.
The rumor is that he is going to fire everyone
and hire his own crew. So, needless to say I am scared.
I know that God is going to take care of us.
I just want it to be easy. I don't want to have to change.
I think I have been through enough already.
As I say this, I see the selfish horrid creature that I am.
I so want to be the woman full of faith and assurance.
I have enormous bags full of evidence to this,
yet here I am again...playing the what if game.
I have absolutely no reason to think I am going to lose my job,
but I am already planning what to do when we lose our home..
This is the kind of stuff that goes on in my head.
I hate that about me. I used to be able to talk to Sid about this stuff,
and he would always steer me right. I miss him so.
And he is RIGHT HERE!!
I don't know how people do life without God.
Especially when it is hard.
I was telling someone the other day that years ago
when Sid had lymphoma and was told he needed
to get his affairs in order, I was always waiting and afraid
of the cancer coming back and taking him.
I never worried that a stroke would strike
(if I wasn't so mired in self pity right now, that would be funny)
oh heck it is funny.(I know it's twisted)
we were struck with a stroke...
That's how this bloggy thing seems to work..
I get brought around to see that I need to
put my eyes on Jesus. To trust in Him.
Paul didn't whine about his circumstances.
He used each one as an opportunity to glorify
God. Why can't I do that? Something to shoot for
I would say. At least I am not stuck in that
horrible stink of self-pity anymore.
Thankful for that..=]
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
reflections
Well, it has been a year and a half since Sid had a massive stroke.
Our lives were literally tipped over in a heartbeat.
He was paralyzed on his right side and unable to communicate at all.
He didn't know his own name or recognize his family and friends.
I snuck our dog Samson into the hospital that first night.
Sid loves that dog so much.
Turns out he had a carotid artery completely plugged.
The surgery was risky as the blood flow resuming could cause another stroke.
We had to take that chance, though.
It wouldn't change the damage that had already happened,
it would just unclog the artery.
After the surgery, the surgeon told us that Sid wouldn't get any better
and wouldn't be able to talk again.
I was devastated for like 5 seconds, and then
I was MAD..
I told that Dr. that he was a doctor and that I was a dummy,
but he had NO IDEA OF THE POWER OF GOD.
I told him that Sid would get better.
I was so afraid to say out loud to anyone(what if the Dr. is right?).
He was in the hospital for 10 days.
He was sent to the rehab unit for an estimated three week stint.
(My boss wired me the money because
the rehab place wouldn't take him without a $10,000.00 deposit.)
Well, God had other plans. Sid regained his physical abilities pretty quickly.
His 3 week $35,000.00 rehab stay turned into 4 days and $3,000.00.
The man who didn't know his own name
or where his nose was can now talk with some difficulty.
If you have the patience to listen to him,
he can carry on a conversation.
It has been a wonderful, horrible, exhilarating,
discouraging, hopeful,adventurous,never boring,
constantly learning more, love filled year.
That thanksgiving right after I was wondering how
I was going to pay for groceries
let alone the hospital bills.(no insurance)
We are too well off to qualify for help,
but still needed some.
If you own more than one car you have too many assets
to qualify for help. And I thought we were doing
good trying to stay out of debt..hmm
Once again God showed off.
Friends got together and anonymously slipped us a card with cash more than once.
The hospital reduced the bill a third and agreed to payments.
The church provided our thanksgiving meal.
Our income was cut in half and our bills more than doubled,
yet everything is paid on time.
THAT IS THE AWESOME POWER OF GOD!!!
Up until Oct 18 2008 Sid was driving and during the summer riding his new Harley.
Then he had a seizure..
He was 4 hours away visiting our son,
and the bottom dropped again..
Came to find out seizures aren't uncommon in
brain trauma victims( I sooo hate the word victim)
so no driving for 6 months and seizure meds.
No more seizures, and back to driving...YAY!!!
he did cheat a little bit.=]
It has been an awesome experience to know what I know.
I used to say I believe this and I believe that,
but now I can say I KNOW.
God will take care of us.
Don't get me wrong,
I haven't been thrilled with our circumstances.
I miss Sid the way he used to be.
I have also grown to love the new Sid that I am blessed to have still.
God's faithfulness has been such a gift to experience.
I said a year ago that Sid was going to be exactly
the way God wanted him to be and that I was going to love him.
I told people that we were going to be able
to look back on this past year and say
"Look what God did!"
That has proved to be true.
We've learned to not let our circumstances determine how we are going to be.
Sid still goes to speech therapy twice a week.
He continues to improve.
I changed jobs in April 2008.
The place I had been 17 yrs sold to another company.
The new job has way better medical insurance, which we are both on, now.
Less out of pocket and better coverage.
My Dad died in June,
We lost our old Dog Punkin on father's day
We lost Sid's mom in October.
It has been a season of many changes.
We miss our loved ones, but know they are with the Lord.
We will see them again.
I'm working on not living in fear, God makes that possible.
I am not able to do anything without Him.
We have been so blessed.
How many times have I taken God's blessings for granted?
Or taken credit myself.
Like I have any power of my own?!
I am such a silly creature.(horrid, too).
Thank God for loving me.
Anyway, I think that's enough out of me for now.
Our lives were literally tipped over in a heartbeat.
He was paralyzed on his right side and unable to communicate at all.
He didn't know his own name or recognize his family and friends.
I snuck our dog Samson into the hospital that first night.
Sid loves that dog so much.
Turns out he had a carotid artery completely plugged.
The surgery was risky as the blood flow resuming could cause another stroke.
We had to take that chance, though.
It wouldn't change the damage that had already happened,
it would just unclog the artery.
After the surgery, the surgeon told us that Sid wouldn't get any better
and wouldn't be able to talk again.
I was devastated for like 5 seconds, and then
I was MAD..
I told that Dr. that he was a doctor and that I was a dummy,
but he had NO IDEA OF THE POWER OF GOD.
I told him that Sid would get better.
I was so afraid to say out loud to anyone(what if the Dr. is right?).
He was in the hospital for 10 days.
He was sent to the rehab unit for an estimated three week stint.
(My boss wired me the money because
the rehab place wouldn't take him without a $10,000.00 deposit.)
Well, God had other plans. Sid regained his physical abilities pretty quickly.
His 3 week $35,000.00 rehab stay turned into 4 days and $3,000.00.
The man who didn't know his own name
or where his nose was can now talk with some difficulty.
If you have the patience to listen to him,
he can carry on a conversation.
It has been a wonderful, horrible, exhilarating,
discouraging, hopeful,adventurous,never boring,
constantly learning more, love filled year.
That thanksgiving right after I was wondering how
I was going to pay for groceries
let alone the hospital bills.(no insurance)
We are too well off to qualify for help,
but still needed some.
If you own more than one car you have too many assets
to qualify for help. And I thought we were doing
good trying to stay out of debt..hmm
Once again God showed off.
Friends got together and anonymously slipped us a card with cash more than once.
The hospital reduced the bill a third and agreed to payments.
The church provided our thanksgiving meal.
Our income was cut in half and our bills more than doubled,
yet everything is paid on time.
THAT IS THE AWESOME POWER OF GOD!!!
Up until Oct 18 2008 Sid was driving and during the summer riding his new Harley.
Then he had a seizure..
He was 4 hours away visiting our son,
and the bottom dropped again..
Came to find out seizures aren't uncommon in
brain trauma victims( I sooo hate the word victim)
so no driving for 6 months and seizure meds.
No more seizures, and back to driving...YAY!!!
he did cheat a little bit.=]
It has been an awesome experience to know what I know.
I used to say I believe this and I believe that,
but now I can say I KNOW.
God will take care of us.
Don't get me wrong,
I haven't been thrilled with our circumstances.
I miss Sid the way he used to be.
I have also grown to love the new Sid that I am blessed to have still.
God's faithfulness has been such a gift to experience.
I said a year ago that Sid was going to be exactly
the way God wanted him to be and that I was going to love him.
I told people that we were going to be able
to look back on this past year and say
"Look what God did!"
That has proved to be true.
We've learned to not let our circumstances determine how we are going to be.
Sid still goes to speech therapy twice a week.
He continues to improve.
I changed jobs in April 2008.
The place I had been 17 yrs sold to another company.
The new job has way better medical insurance, which we are both on, now.
Less out of pocket and better coverage.
My Dad died in June,
We lost our old Dog Punkin on father's day
We lost Sid's mom in October.
It has been a season of many changes.
We miss our loved ones, but know they are with the Lord.
We will see them again.
I'm working on not living in fear, God makes that possible.
I am not able to do anything without Him.
We have been so blessed.
How many times have I taken God's blessings for granted?
Or taken credit myself.
Like I have any power of my own?!
I am such a silly creature.(horrid, too).
Thank God for loving me.
Anyway, I think that's enough out of me for now.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Hearing from God
Well, it's Thursday night, and no ladies study.
I found out last night it was canceled.
I had about half of my homework done.
Talked to my good friend and she told me to finish it anyway.
I seriously considered just letting it slide.
Well, I went ahead and finished the homework.
Guess what?
yep, That thing I've been agonizing over ?
and praying about?
and really believing I was trusting and seeking?
I found thru finishing this week's study homework, that I was NOT.
I had once again made decisions based on self-seeking motives.
(sin)
That wouldn't be so bad, but I did this while asking God for direction and
I hadn't received any direction,
and decided to go a certain way anyway.
(sin)
So, this morning when I was finishing up the homework I got the blessing of
HEARING from the Lord.
All this as a result of acting out of
obedience to finish the homework. So I now KNOW
what I am supposed to do
NOTHING.
I am to enjoy and be grateful for
the wonderful life I have been blessed with .
"Keep back your servant from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me. Then I shall be blameless, and I shall be innocent of great transgression" (Psalm 19:12)
I found out last night it was canceled.
I had about half of my homework done.
Talked to my good friend and she told me to finish it anyway.
I seriously considered just letting it slide.
Well, I went ahead and finished the homework.
Guess what?
yep, That thing I've been agonizing over ?
and praying about?
and really believing I was trusting and seeking?
I found thru finishing this week's study homework, that I was NOT.
I had once again made decisions based on self-seeking motives.
(sin)
That wouldn't be so bad, but I did this while asking God for direction and
I hadn't received any direction,
and decided to go a certain way anyway.
(sin)
So, this morning when I was finishing up the homework I got the blessing of
HEARING from the Lord.
All this as a result of acting out of
obedience to finish the homework. So I now KNOW
what I am supposed to do
NOTHING.
I am to enjoy and be grateful for
the wonderful life I have been blessed with .
"Keep back your servant from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me. Then I shall be blameless, and I shall be innocent of great transgression" (Psalm 19:12)
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I stand in awe
Hey..Don't know if I am gonna be able to do this one.
My husband just left the house to go to men's bible study at church.
I know that may not seem like a major big deal, but it really is.
HUGE, really......HUGE .
Even before the stroke, he wouldn't have been going.
Just not his deal.
He doesn't hang out with other guys.
He barely hangs out with me. =]
So, here I sit once again with another bit of evidence for the file
of how God ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS IS FAITHFUL.
Don't ask me why this is so important to me.
I know how much I have been blessed through participating in the Ladies bible study,
so I guess I just wished the same sort of thing for him.
I get to go to work and interact with other people every day.
He sits at home and watches TV most days. I don't know how he doesn't
lose his mind, but he seems to be content.
I have to remember I am the crazy one. The one prone to ungrateful,
discontentedness with things that are totally out of my control.
I am just blown away by God's grace, even though I shouldn't be surprised.
Our lives have been so abundantly covered in grace, I don't know how I can
ever be the way I get soo often. impatient and uncertain. Full of questions and
doubts...the what if game is always on..
Just today I was praying and told God I just wanted to "FEEL"
that I was moving in the right direction...
To "KNOW" what He wanted me to do
...Something...
Nothing.
.and it came to me
JUST TRUST AND OBEY...
So I am once again in that very familiar place
of asking forgiveness and being thankful that I am so loved..
My husband just left the house to go to men's bible study at church.
I know that may not seem like a major big deal, but it really is.
HUGE, really......HUGE .
Even before the stroke, he wouldn't have been going.
Just not his deal.
He doesn't hang out with other guys.
He barely hangs out with me. =]
So, here I sit once again with another bit of evidence for the file
of how God ALWAYS...and I mean ALWAYS IS FAITHFUL.
Don't ask me why this is so important to me.
I know how much I have been blessed through participating in the Ladies bible study,
so I guess I just wished the same sort of thing for him.
I get to go to work and interact with other people every day.
He sits at home and watches TV most days. I don't know how he doesn't
lose his mind, but he seems to be content.
I have to remember I am the crazy one. The one prone to ungrateful,
discontentedness with things that are totally out of my control.
I am just blown away by God's grace, even though I shouldn't be surprised.
Our lives have been so abundantly covered in grace, I don't know how I can
ever be the way I get soo often. impatient and uncertain. Full of questions and
doubts...the what if game is always on..
Just today I was praying and told God I just wanted to "FEEL"
that I was moving in the right direction...
To "KNOW" what He wanted me to do
...Something...
Nothing.
.and it came to me
JUST TRUST AND OBEY...
So I am once again in that very familiar place
of asking forgiveness and being thankful that I am so loved..
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Resurrection Sunday
Today is the day I celebrate my Lord and Saviour. Christmas is great and wonderful, celebrating the birth of Jesus. But this is where he paid the price. Paid it in full. I was talking to a friend the other day and she was saying how she will never be able to measure up, and how she feels like the biggest sinner in the world, I explained to her I totally understand those feelings. I shared with her about how Jesus paid the price. I don't know if she has received that gift yet, but I am going to keep praying for her and sharing with her how awesome God is. I was reminded of those core things I believe through sharing them with someone else. What an awesome gift. I shared with her how there is no way we can ever measure up, and that because of Jesus we don't have to. So Happy resurrection Sunday! He is Risen!
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