Well, hello again!! I haven't been here for a very long time. Just been slowly sinking into the mire of self pity & that turned into a MAJOR depression which nearly took my life. I basically came to a point that I couldn't say/or see ANYTHING positive, & was filled with so much anger & dare I say hate, that I couldn't share it with anyone...NOT ANYONE. I cannot believe how close I actually came to taking my own life. By a "coincidence"(I DO NOT believe in coincidences) I told on myself & a friend encouraged me to seek counseling..I took that advice & after many months of therapy am happy to say I no longer want or feel the need to kill myself. Still have a long way to go, but I am doing the work. I thought maybe getting back to this & having an outlet for some of the stuff that goes on in my head might help...we'll see how it goes.

insides vs. outsides

I've been spending alot of the last several months working on my outsides. In that process I have come to grips with alot of feelings. Anger, hurt, disappointment. Feelings of inadequacy. I have also come around to the gratitude that is so very vital for my sanity. Regardless of what's going on on the outside, I HAVE to be OK on the inside. The only way that is possible is relying on God. I have been so unwilling to do that because I have been holding a grudge and staying angry at God for not "fixing" my circumstances. Why I think I am so special to have Him do my bidding is astonishing. The realization that I TRULY believe that we are abundantly blessed. The knowing that my attitudes and actions as a result are a choice. I have the opportunity EVERY day to choose to be resentful and bitter, or joyful and grateful. I choose joyful & grateful today. I am so very grateful to the job I hate which spurred me to make healthier choices. Never would have happened had God given me what I thought I needed. He knows me....REALLY KNOWS me.. and LOVES me. When I remember what the truth is I am OK. I finally said out loud today, not that He needs it, and I am sure it is some form of blashemy..but I told Him I forgive Him for not healing Sid. I realized that I have been spending so much time trying to get into shape & being fit & healthy that I had been seriously neglecting the inside stuff that I need to work through. I spent the first few years after the stroke trying to hang onto the faith but I have to admit I had expectations attached to them. When those expectations weren't met, I got really messed up and started to turn away and I stayed hurt & angry, but still trying to "act" like I had it all together. No wonder I was exhausted so much. I don't "do phony" too well.

it's gotta go..

I've finally decided for sure. I am going to sell my bike. I just can't bring myself to ride it by myself. It was something Sid & I did together. It just isn't the same without him. I truly LOVE to ride, but I HATE doing it alone. Since joining the gym and making a commitment to fitness I also don't have the time to ride. Very bittersweet, but I know it's the right decision. I would much rather spend that extra hour & half pushing my sweetie over the hill to enjoy a frappuccino than spend it on my own with the wind in my face and that free feeling that I oh so love. I also was TRULY OK at work last night. Amazing how making the choice to BE JOYFUL worked(this time) thinking I'll try it again tonight...

and the pendulum swings back

Last few days have been great. I start back to night shift on Monday.
Loathe nights, but oh so grateful for this job. I have been on a fitness quest for the last 4 months. It started as a result of several events.
I got this job that is super physically demanding. The shifts are long and with 20 minutes for lunch, the meal choices are limited. Anyway, I would come home from work hurting so bad. I realized that some of this was age and years of abusing my body. I also was overweight.(technically, OBESE). I knew 80% of my problem was being out of shape and fat. Final straw was one day at work I was packing 60# boxes. As I struggled to stack them on the pallet, a coworker ridiculed me by saying "what's the matter JerriLynn??? Are they HEAVY??" in a super snotty mean way. Well, I left work that night sobbing and hating me, my life, the stupid stroke that caused ALL of this. After getting past the being super pissed stage, I went and joined the gym. I am now closer to being somewhat fit & one of the things I enjoy is pushing my Sidney in his wheelchair to Starbucks for coffee. Super good for both of us.
Just feels good to be in the gratitude. To know we're blessed and to feel it. To not necessarily like the circumstances, but be joyful anyway. I like this way better than the raging lunatic that has been inside me lately.. wonder how long it'll last..

already?!?

I've been on vacation the last week. I took off because I was celebrating 11 years sober on Saturday & didn't want to work on my "birthday". One of the cool things about AA,I get 2 birthdays a year. I get presents and cake(if I want it..) and that day is all about me. What's not to love, huh? Cannot believe how fast the time goes. I had so many plans on what I would accomplish this last week. I did manage the bulk of it, but still need to do more. I applied for another position with my company. I've done this a few times in the last 2 years that I've worked there. Each time I get called in for  1st & 2nd interviews and then get the call that they went with someone else. I just keep trying, & hoping. So grateful for the job, but really want Monday-Friday day-time hours. I am so qualified for the position, but am afraid to get my hopes up. I almost expect to be disappointed once again. Truly KNOW that God knows what is best for me, even if I don't necessarily like it.. I believe in doing the footwork and trusting Him for the outcome. If it hadn't been for this job I hate that is so physically demanding, I never would have joined the gym & become more fit and strong. I got so tired of hurting every day(literally crying hurting). I knew 80% of it was being overweight & out of shape. My company pays portion of gym fee so it is totally affordable. 4 months into it I am down nearly 40 pounds & have increased strength & endurance. NONE of which would've happened if God had given me MY way..So, it doesn't matter that I don't like it RIGHT NOW, I KNOW that HE has it all figured out. Now if my attitude would just get in line 

long time no "see"

long time since I posted. I just got tired. I have been in a constant state of weariness for so long. I also feel as if I do nothing but whine & complain. You know what? I don't care anymore. I have to get rid of these ugly horrid feelings somewhere. I realized how bad it had become last night as I was trying to figure out the weed eater. I haven't had to do yard chores in 30 years. Before stroke Sid did everything, and then his brother took over for the last 5 years. Anyway, his brother is no longer in the picture(way too long a story for now) So I am trying to figure out how to run the weed eater, lawnmower, weed sprayer, etc...after the 3rd time of the weed eater line twisting up and wrapping around the inside thingy I threw it across the yard while screaming the F-word at the top of my lungs. Now I gotta tell you, I do NOT have a potty mouth. I am a lady(sorta...uhm OK not really..whatever) Anyway, I was super ashamed and started the usual process of beating myself up. I mean I should be able to do EVERYTHING, and DO IT PERFECTLY. I should be able to work full time, do all the household chores, yard chores, and anything that needs done. I mean single parents do it all the time. Why can't I seem to manage?!? I am just so angry that I am stuck in my life that I didn't ask for. It was supposed to be different, we had it all figured out. I am still mad at God. He could heal Sid and He doesn't. I don't like anyone to know that I feel this way, so I stuff it. I was stuffing it really well with the oreos and ice cream. Well, I stopped eating like a PIG and started treating myself as if I had value. Now, most days are uneventful nothing special days. I don't feel like the biggest piece of crap every day of my life. But the days that I do sure do take a toll. I realized today that I miss this. I miss ALOT of stuff. So maybe I'll be around more. I am so very grateful for great friends that love me no matter what. I just SO miss my Sid that KNEW me and still thought I was the coolest gal on the planet. I NEED him so much. I feel as if I am living my life alone, and I'm NOT alone.

all better...well, sorta

You know how sometimes when you don't feel well and you make yourself puke and then you feel all better? That is kinda what happened to me. I puked a bit of stuff and have been much better since. I think some of it is I have such a need to feel as if I am being honest and transparent and when I know I haven't been, I just get tied up in knots. I have such a core defect of pride. To give an appearance that everything is great. To show the good side. I had gotten to where I just didn't have it in me, and I couldn't fake it, and I couldn't let anyone "KNOW". So after doing all that, the familiar guilt showed up. I am looking forward to a weekend of sun,fun, and hanging out with a couple of my BFFs. I will have the opportunity to let them help me with some of this and I know I will get past this. So thankful that I believe that today. I KNOW that this too shall pass. So see ya!

tiny tidbits(hope you don't choke on 'em)

So, the other day I puked a bunch of stuff. I don't really know why. I have on so many occasions come to the screen to share a bit of me with you, only to get the "stage fright" that I thought I had let go of so long ago. And, here I am nearly a week later. I have been a bit busy with working all last weekend, and then on my days off I had a lot of errands and such to do. So here is a little list of some, not all of the stuff I haven't told you that you probably don't want/need to know, but for some reason I feel like a fake because I haven't told you.
1. I don't know who my biological father is/neither does my mother
2. I have an Ex-Husband
3. I hate my job
4. I went to re-hab(yep, I am an alcoholic) 10+ years sober
5. I couldn't have my own babies, and it pissed me off for a super long time.
6. I haven't cleaned my house right since Sid's stroke..I am so ashamed of this
7. Sometimes I really HATE ME and I HATE that because I truly would pick me for a friend.
8. I have nearly stopped praying...really ashamed of this one, too...
9. my Grampa molested me and my sister when we were kids..I blamed my mother for years
10. wondering where my gratitude is? see #7
11. I am thinking of hitting the delete button...
As I look at this little ugly list, I don't see that it serves any purpose in sharing it. I am going to anyway. I don't know why. I just can't seem to get past it all. I truly am happy and joyful most of the time. I know the last year has been more challenging for me in so many areas. I find myself having to make more effort to see the positive. I bet my lack of prayer and seeking HIM in my days has a huge impact on all of this. I think it must be some form of depression, but I can't seem to pull myself out of it. HMMMM I am seeing a big part of the problem just in writing this..I AM MY PROBLEM, I am not my solution. HE is my solution, so why can't I bring myself to talk to Him?

ENOUGH

OK. I haven't been here in a while. Quite a while. I have wanted to be, but for whatever reason my old "friend?" FEAR has been keeping me from it. I have been keeping secrets, and as a result been paralyzed by it. I don't even know why I would call them secrets. I will freely and gladly tell anyone almost anything about me and my life. Ask me a question, and I will almost always tell you the whole ugly truth, whether you really want to know or not. I know alot of my absence has been because I have had such a hard time really "feeling" the gratitude in so much of my  daily life. I have been doing the actions in spite of the "feelings" being ugly and bitter and ANGRY. And I just want to SCREAM about it all. But, what purpose would that serve? NONE, so I stay silent. I think I am tired of being silent. So here's the deal...I am going to just BE..whatever that may be. I want to know that fear isn't going to win. I AM NOT A VICTIM!!

Just another Monday

BLAH.. back on night shift for a month.
not feeling it.
So grateful for a job, yet find myself complaining(mostly inside my own head).
Why can't I just be glad I get to go to work? I admit to not really liking
what I'm doing, but I don't have to like it. I have to focus on the positives,
which there are some. Insurance is a BIG one. And, I only work 14 days(nights)
a month, every other week-end is a 3-dayer. Why do I always have to be like
the Israelites being led out of Egypt. ALWAYS complaining. I profess to trust God,
yet continue to find myself questioning the details. I waste way too much time trying
to figure it all out, instead of just enjoying it all. The facts are, that I am just having a
blah day, and this too shall pass. I will probably bounce out of this funk before the morning
sun rises.(I sure hope) I am just more comfortable being perky & happy & laughing & being
the one that's encouraging someone else to focus on the positive. Last week I had a bad day
at work & I thought of how I used to call Sid on the phone when I had a bad day. How he would
make it all OK. I remembered the times he would just show up and have a coffee or flowers or
a big hug to remind me someone thought I was "THE BEST"
Which reminded me that some people NEVER get to experience that. How very blessed I am.
When I remember Why working is so important, it makes it so much easier to do and be happy
while doing it. I have been told repeatedly by coworkers that they appreciate my attitude and
how I am happy and cheerful all the time. I just want to be real. I have learned that outside circumstances don't have to determine how I behave. I still wish it were easier, though.

Day 31: a picture of me

I can't believe it. Finally finished. Only took 65 days to do the 31 day challenge. I had no idea it would BE such a challenge. I mean it's just pictures, right? I think I just make things harder than they really are. I am glad I did it, though. I was able to share a little bit more of who I am through doing it. I think it was the photo portion that I found daunting alot of the time. Anyway, that's enough outa me.

Day 30: picture of someone I miss

My Daddy in Banff

This is my Daddy. The photo was taken probably 6 years before he died. He Loved to go places. He would winter in Arizona & summer in our back yard. Until his health got too bad for him to go. The last few years of his life he held on to his independence with a death grip. He never let go up until his last day. I miss him so very much. It will be 3 years this June and I still find myself picking up the phone to tell him something that happened, or when I am driving by the trailer court he used to live, I will turn in and remember...He's not there. The  "Daddy's Little Girl" will always be a part of who I am, no matter how old I get. He was the one person on the planet besides Sid that thought I was "ALL THAT!!"  I will always be grateful to have been blessed with a Loving Daddy. I didn't always appreciate him. Those awful teen-age years when I thought he was the meanest person on the planet. I told him so, too. He proceeded to "stay out" of my life for 2 weeks straight. I tried to talk to him or tell him something, and he would just get up without saying anything and walk away. I never realized until years later how that nearly killed him. He taught me a powerful lesson. He showed me that it was ALL OR NOTHING. I of course wanted it ALL. Years later I truly appreciated his strict ways. I hate to think how I may have turned out left without that stable,unwavering,upbringing. So, I can truthfully say we had nothing left unsaid or undone. I have been blessed beyond measure. He was an ornery,opinionated,hard to know guy. but once you got past all that, there was a huge heart willing to do anything to help someone else. He was always there for me, no matter what. I will miss him as long as I live, but I am comforted greatly knowing he is with Jesus, and I will see him again. Hope is a wonderful thing.

Day 29:picture that can always make me smile

his & hers pedicures..

This is another one that has stumping potential. There are probably thousands of photos that can make me smile. I have spent all of my adult life with Sid. And one of his major goals was keeping a smile on my face. So I am going to post a few of the most recent photos that make me smile now, and will make me smile for years to come.



on our way to church valentine's dinner



always goofing off & making me laugh



picking out my valentine.

I could post pictures of family, friends, critters, and all kinds of stuff that makes me smile. I am normally smiling anyway. But,
when I look at any of these photos, my heart smiles too.

Day 28:Something I'm afraid of

OK, I was going to put spiders here, but the pictures were too GRUESOME & CREEPY to even attempt. I am itching & squirming just thinking about them. ACK!!!
 So, it is fire. I have a fear of fire. I am a bit paranoid to use even our gas stove because I am afraid a chimney fire may start. We had wood heat only for a few years and I got very little sleep because I just KNEW the house was going to burn down. I won't use my clothes dryer unless I am home, I don't like extension cords, etc.. I have absolutely no reasonable explanation. I don't know anyone who had their house burn down, I can't explain it. But I AM afraid of fire.(& spiders)

Day 27:Photo of me & a family member

Veronica, Marty, Sid, & I at our family reunion last summer.