Wednesday, June 27, 2012

insides vs. outsides

I've been spending alot of the last several months working on my outsides. In that process I have come to grips with alot of feelings. Anger, hurt, disappointment. Feelings of inadequacy. I have also come around to the gratitude that is so very vital for my sanity. Regardless of what's going on on the outside, I HAVE to be OK on the inside. The only way that is possible is relying on God. I have been so unwilling to do that because I have been holding a grudge and staying angry at God for not "fixing" my circumstances. Why I think I am so special to have Him do my bidding is astonishing. The realization that I TRULY believe that we are abundantly blessed. The knowing that my attitudes and actions as a result are a choice. I have the opportunity EVERY day to choose to be resentful and bitter, or joyful and grateful. I choose joyful & grateful today. I am so very grateful to the job I hate which spurred me to make healthier choices. Never would have happened had God given me what I thought I needed. He knows me....REALLY KNOWS me.. and LOVES me. When I remember what the truth is I am OK. I finally said out loud today, not that He needs it, and I am sure it is some form of blashemy..but I told Him I forgive Him for not healing Sid. I realized that I have been spending so much time trying to get into shape & being fit & healthy that I had been seriously neglecting the inside stuff that I need to work through. I spent the first few years after the stroke trying to hang onto the faith but I have to admit I had expectations attached to them. When those expectations weren't met, I got really messed up and started to turn away and I stayed hurt & angry, but still trying to "act" like I had it all together. No wonder I was exhausted so much. I don't "do phony" too well.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

it's gotta go..

I've finally decided for sure. I am going to sell my bike. I just can't bring myself to ride it by myself. It was something Sid & I did together. It just isn't the same without him. I truly LOVE to ride, but I HATE doing it alone. Since joining the gym and making a commitment to fitness I also don't have the time to ride. Very bittersweet, but I know it's the right decision. I would much rather spend that extra hour & half pushing my sweetie over the hill to enjoy a frappuccino than spend it on my own with the wind in my face and that free feeling that I oh so love. I also was TRULY OK at work last night. Amazing how making the choice to BE JOYFUL worked(this time) thinking I'll try it again tonight...

Saturday, June 2, 2012

and the pendulum swings back

Last few days have been great. I start back to night shift on Monday.
Loathe nights, but oh so grateful for this job. I have been on a fitness quest for the last 4 months. It started as a result of several events.
I got this job that is super physically demanding. The shifts are long and with 20 minutes for lunch, the meal choices are limited. Anyway, I would come home from work hurting so bad. I realized that some of this was age and years of abusing my body. I also was overweight.(technically, OBESE). I knew 80% of my problem was being out of shape and fat. Final straw was one day at work I was packing 60# boxes. As I struggled to stack them on the pallet, a coworker ridiculed me by saying "what's the matter JerriLynn??? Are they HEAVY??" in a super snotty mean way. Well, I left work that night sobbing and hating me, my life, the stupid stroke that caused ALL of this. After getting past the being super pissed stage, I went and joined the gym. I am now closer to being somewhat fit & one of the things I enjoy is pushing my Sidney in his wheelchair to Starbucks for coffee. Super good for both of us.
Just feels good to be in the gratitude. To know we're blessed and to feel it. To not necessarily like the circumstances, but be joyful anyway. I like this way better than the raging lunatic that has been inside me lately.. wonder how long it'll last..