Wednesday, June 27, 2012

insides vs. outsides

I've been spending alot of the last several months working on my outsides. In that process I have come to grips with alot of feelings. Anger, hurt, disappointment. Feelings of inadequacy. I have also come around to the gratitude that is so very vital for my sanity. Regardless of what's going on on the outside, I HAVE to be OK on the inside. The only way that is possible is relying on God. I have been so unwilling to do that because I have been holding a grudge and staying angry at God for not "fixing" my circumstances. Why I think I am so special to have Him do my bidding is astonishing. The realization that I TRULY believe that we are abundantly blessed. The knowing that my attitudes and actions as a result are a choice. I have the opportunity EVERY day to choose to be resentful and bitter, or joyful and grateful. I choose joyful & grateful today. I am so very grateful to the job I hate which spurred me to make healthier choices. Never would have happened had God given me what I thought I needed. He knows me....REALLY KNOWS me.. and LOVES me. When I remember what the truth is I am OK. I finally said out loud today, not that He needs it, and I am sure it is some form of blashemy..but I told Him I forgive Him for not healing Sid. I realized that I have been spending so much time trying to get into shape & being fit & healthy that I had been seriously neglecting the inside stuff that I need to work through. I spent the first few years after the stroke trying to hang onto the faith but I have to admit I had expectations attached to them. When those expectations weren't met, I got really messed up and started to turn away and I stayed hurt & angry, but still trying to "act" like I had it all together. No wonder I was exhausted so much. I don't "do phony" too well.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

it's gotta go..

I've finally decided for sure. I am going to sell my bike. I just can't bring myself to ride it by myself. It was something Sid & I did together. It just isn't the same without him. I truly LOVE to ride, but I HATE doing it alone. Since joining the gym and making a commitment to fitness I also don't have the time to ride. Very bittersweet, but I know it's the right decision. I would much rather spend that extra hour & half pushing my sweetie over the hill to enjoy a frappuccino than spend it on my own with the wind in my face and that free feeling that I oh so love. I also was TRULY OK at work last night. Amazing how making the choice to BE JOYFUL worked(this time) thinking I'll try it again tonight...

Saturday, June 2, 2012

and the pendulum swings back

Last few days have been great. I start back to night shift on Monday.
Loathe nights, but oh so grateful for this job. I have been on a fitness quest for the last 4 months. It started as a result of several events.
I got this job that is super physically demanding. The shifts are long and with 20 minutes for lunch, the meal choices are limited. Anyway, I would come home from work hurting so bad. I realized that some of this was age and years of abusing my body. I also was overweight.(technically, OBESE). I knew 80% of my problem was being out of shape and fat. Final straw was one day at work I was packing 60# boxes. As I struggled to stack them on the pallet, a coworker ridiculed me by saying "what's the matter JerriLynn??? Are they HEAVY??" in a super snotty mean way. Well, I left work that night sobbing and hating me, my life, the stupid stroke that caused ALL of this. After getting past the being super pissed stage, I went and joined the gym. I am now closer to being somewhat fit & one of the things I enjoy is pushing my Sidney in his wheelchair to Starbucks for coffee. Super good for both of us.
Just feels good to be in the gratitude. To know we're blessed and to feel it. To not necessarily like the circumstances, but be joyful anyway. I like this way better than the raging lunatic that has been inside me lately.. wonder how long it'll last..

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


I've been on vacation the last week. I took off because I was celebrating 11 years sober on Saturday & didn't want to work on my "birthday". One of the cool things about AA,I get 2 birthdays a year. I get presents and cake(if I want it..) and that day is all about me. What's not to love, huh? Cannot believe how fast the time goes. I had so many plans on what I would accomplish this last week. I did manage the bulk of it, but still need to do more. I applied for another position with my company. I've done this a few times in the last 2 years that I've worked there. Each time I get called in for  1st & 2nd interviews and then get the call that they went with someone else. I just keep trying, & hoping. So grateful for the job, but really want Monday-Friday day-time hours. I am so qualified for the position, but am afraid to get my hopes up. I almost expect to be disappointed once again. Truly KNOW that God knows what is best for me, even if I don't necessarily like it.. I believe in doing the footwork and trusting Him for the outcome. If it hadn't been for this job I hate that is so physically demanding, I never would have joined the gym & become more fit and strong. I got so tired of hurting every day(literally crying hurting). I knew 80% of it was being overweight & out of shape. My company pays portion of gym fee so it is totally affordable. 4 months into it I am down nearly 40 pounds & have increased strength & endurance. NONE of which would've happened if God had given me MY way..So, it doesn't matter that I don't like it RIGHT NOW, I KNOW that HE has it all figured out. Now if my attitude would just get in line 

Monday, May 28, 2012

long time no "see"

long time since I posted. I just got tired. I have been in a constant state of weariness for so long. I also feel as if I do nothing but whine & complain. You know what? I don't care anymore. I have to get rid of these ugly horrid feelings somewhere. I realized how bad it had become last night as I was trying to figure out the weed eater. I haven't had to do yard chores in 30 years. Before stroke Sid did everything, and then his brother took over for the last 5 years. Anyway, his brother is no longer in the picture(way too long a story for now) So I am trying to figure out how to run the weed eater, lawnmower, weed sprayer, etc...after the 3rd time of the weed eater line twisting up and wrapping around the inside thingy I threw it across the yard while screaming the F-word at the top of my lungs. Now I gotta tell you, I do NOT have a potty mouth. I am a lady(sorta...uhm OK not really..whatever) Anyway, I was super ashamed and started the usual process of beating myself up. I mean I should be able to do EVERYTHING, and DO IT PERFECTLY. I should be able to work full time, do all the household chores, yard chores, and anything that needs done. I mean single parents do it all the time. Why can't I seem to manage?!? I am just so angry that I am stuck in my life that I didn't ask for. It was supposed to be different, we had it all figured out. I am still mad at God. He could heal Sid and He doesn't. I don't like anyone to know that I feel this way, so I stuff it. I was stuffing it really well with the oreos and ice cream. Well, I stopped eating like a PIG and started treating myself as if I had value. Now, most days are uneventful nothing special days. I don't feel like the biggest piece of crap every day of my life. But the days that I do sure do take a toll. I realized today that I miss this. I miss ALOT of stuff. So maybe I'll be around more. I am so very grateful for great friends that love me no matter what. I just SO miss my Sid that KNEW me and still thought I was the coolest gal on the planet. I NEED him so much. I feel as if I am living my life alone, and I'm NOT alone.