Monday, May 28, 2012

long time no "see"

long time since I posted. I just got tired. I have been in a constant state of weariness for so long. I also feel as if I do nothing but whine & complain. You know what? I don't care anymore. I have to get rid of these ugly horrid feelings somewhere. I realized how bad it had become last night as I was trying to figure out the weed eater. I haven't had to do yard chores in 30 years. Before stroke Sid did everything, and then his brother took over for the last 5 years. Anyway, his brother is no longer in the picture(way too long a story for now) So I am trying to figure out how to run the weed eater, lawnmower, weed sprayer, etc...after the 3rd time of the weed eater line twisting up and wrapping around the inside thingy I threw it across the yard while screaming the F-word at the top of my lungs. Now I gotta tell you, I do NOT have a potty mouth. I am a lady(sorta...uhm OK not really..whatever) Anyway, I was super ashamed and started the usual process of beating myself up. I mean I should be able to do EVERYTHING, and DO IT PERFECTLY. I should be able to work full time, do all the household chores, yard chores, and anything that needs done. I mean single parents do it all the time. Why can't I seem to manage?!? I am just so angry that I am stuck in my life that I didn't ask for. It was supposed to be different, we had it all figured out. I am still mad at God. He could heal Sid and He doesn't. I don't like anyone to know that I feel this way, so I stuff it. I was stuffing it really well with the oreos and ice cream. Well, I stopped eating like a PIG and started treating myself as if I had value. Now, most days are uneventful nothing special days. I don't feel like the biggest piece of crap every day of my life. But the days that I do sure do take a toll. I realized today that I miss this. I miss ALOT of stuff. So maybe I'll be around more. I am so very grateful for great friends that love me no matter what. I just SO miss my Sid that KNEW me and still thought I was the coolest gal on the planet. I NEED him so much. I feel as if I am living my life alone, and I'm NOT alone.

No comments: