Friday, August 12, 2011

all better...well, sorta

You know how sometimes when you don't feel well and you make yourself puke and then you feel all better? That is kinda what happened to me. I puked a bit of stuff and have been much better since. I think some of it is I have such a need to feel as if I am being honest and transparent and when I know I haven't been, I just get tied up in knots. I have such a core defect of pride. To give an appearance that everything is great. To show the good side. I had gotten to where I just didn't have it in me, and I couldn't fake it, and I couldn't let anyone "KNOW". So after doing all that, the familiar guilt showed up. I am looking forward to a weekend of sun,fun, and hanging out with a couple of my BFFs. I will have the opportunity to let them help me with some of this and I know I will get past this. So thankful that I believe that today. I KNOW that this too shall pass. So see ya!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

tiny tidbits(hope you don't choke on 'em)

So, the other day I puked a bunch of stuff. I don't really know why. I have on so many occasions come to the screen to share a bit of me with you, only to get the "stage fright" that I thought I had let go of so long ago. And, here I am nearly a week later. I have been a bit busy with working all last weekend, and then on my days off I had a lot of errands and such to do. So here is a little list of some, not all of the stuff I haven't told you that you probably don't want/need to know, but for some reason I feel like a fake because I haven't told you.
1. I don't know who my biological father is/neither does my mother
2. I have an Ex-Husband
3. I hate my job
4. I went to re-hab(yep, I am an alcoholic) 10+ years sober
5. I couldn't have my own babies, and it pissed me off for a super long time.
6. I haven't cleaned my house right since Sid's stroke..I am so ashamed of this
7. Sometimes I really HATE ME and I HATE that because I truly would pick me for a friend.
8. I have nearly stopped praying...really ashamed of this one, too...
9. my Grampa molested me and my sister when we were kids..I blamed my mother for years
10. wondering where my gratitude is? see #7
11. I am thinking of hitting the delete button...
As I look at this little ugly list, I don't see that it serves any purpose in sharing it. I am going to anyway. I don't know why. I just can't seem to get past it all. I truly am happy and joyful most of the time. I know the last year has been more challenging for me in so many areas. I find myself having to make more effort to see the positive. I bet my lack of prayer and seeking HIM in my days has a huge impact on all of this. I think it must be some form of depression, but I can't seem to pull myself out of it. HMMMM I am seeing a big part of the problem just in writing this..I AM MY PROBLEM, I am not my solution. HE is my solution, so why can't I bring myself to talk to Him?

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


OK. I haven't been here in a while. Quite a while. I have wanted to be, but for whatever reason my old "friend?" FEAR has been keeping me from it. I have been keeping secrets, and as a result been paralyzed by it. I don't even know why I would call them secrets. I will freely and gladly tell anyone almost anything about me and my life. Ask me a question, and I will almost always tell you the whole ugly truth, whether you really want to know or not. I know alot of my absence has been because I have had such a hard time really "feeling" the gratitude in so much of my  daily life. I have been doing the actions in spite of the "feelings" being ugly and bitter and ANGRY. And I just want to SCREAM about it all. But, what purpose would that serve? NONE, so I stay silent. I think I am tired of being silent. So here's the deal...I am going to just BE..whatever that may be. I want to know that fear isn't going to win. I AM NOT A VICTIM!!