Tuesday, August 9, 2011

tiny tidbits(hope you don't choke on 'em)

So, the other day I puked a bunch of stuff. I don't really know why. I have on so many occasions come to the screen to share a bit of me with you, only to get the "stage fright" that I thought I had let go of so long ago. And, here I am nearly a week later. I have been a bit busy with working all last weekend, and then on my days off I had a lot of errands and such to do. So here is a little list of some, not all of the stuff I haven't told you that you probably don't want/need to know, but for some reason I feel like a fake because I haven't told you.
1. I don't know who my biological father is/neither does my mother
2. I have an Ex-Husband
3. I hate my job
4. I went to re-hab(yep, I am an alcoholic) 10+ years sober
5. I couldn't have my own babies, and it pissed me off for a super long time.
6. I haven't cleaned my house right since Sid's stroke..I am so ashamed of this
7. Sometimes I really HATE ME and I HATE that because I truly would pick me for a friend.
8. I have nearly stopped praying...really ashamed of this one, too...
9. my Grampa molested me and my sister when we were kids..I blamed my mother for years
10. wondering where my gratitude is? see #7
11. I am thinking of hitting the delete button...
As I look at this little ugly list, I don't see that it serves any purpose in sharing it. I am going to anyway. I don't know why. I just can't seem to get past it all. I truly am happy and joyful most of the time. I know the last year has been more challenging for me in so many areas. I find myself having to make more effort to see the positive. I bet my lack of prayer and seeking HIM in my days has a huge impact on all of this. I think it must be some form of depression, but I can't seem to pull myself out of it. HMMMM I am seeing a big part of the problem just in writing this..I AM MY PROBLEM, I am not my solution. HE is my solution, so why can't I bring myself to talk to Him?


hishealinggrace said...

Ya' know, what is funny (not ha-ha, but odd I suppose) is that most people have a list like this if they are willing to admit it. You want a short one of mine?

1. my husband was married for the first 7 years of our relationship. He divorced October 31st and we married December 10.

2. My whole family is addicted to something. I can't believe I escaped it myself. I did a lot of drugs and alcohol but thank God never got hooked.

3. Molested too. Baby sitter. I didn't blame my mom but sure did hate her for not letting us talk about it. She still won't talk about it.

4. Ditto on prayer. Ditto on hating myself.

and for you... congratulations on 10+ years, 'cause that's amazing. Even though you had one "failed" marriage, you have an amazing one now - which means you learned from your mistakes no matter what his mistakes were. I haven't cleaned my house right since my kid was about two, and he is 12 now. So you have a few clean years on me. We are always way harder on ourselves in this area than we should be.

Best of all? You're redeemed in His eyes and He thinks you are just marvelous!

JerriLynn said...

Thanks..I appreciate the encouragement...and the reminder that we are all so so alike..=]

Sarah said...

Oh, JerriLynn. You have way more balls than I could ever muster.

I don't love your list because I know how painful it is, but I love your transparency and that you didn't hit delete.

Tears for you. Proud of you.

And thankful for you.