Wednesday, June 27, 2012

insides vs. outsides

I've been spending alot of the last several months working on my outsides. In that process I have come to grips with alot of feelings. Anger, hurt, disappointment. Feelings of inadequacy. I have also come around to the gratitude that is so very vital for my sanity. Regardless of what's going on on the outside, I HAVE to be OK on the inside. The only way that is possible is relying on God. I have been so unwilling to do that because I have been holding a grudge and staying angry at God for not "fixing" my circumstances. Why I think I am so special to have Him do my bidding is astonishing. The realization that I TRULY believe that we are abundantly blessed. The knowing that my attitudes and actions as a result are a choice. I have the opportunity EVERY day to choose to be resentful and bitter, or joyful and grateful. I choose joyful & grateful today. I am so very grateful to the job I hate which spurred me to make healthier choices. Never would have happened had God given me what I thought I needed. He knows me....REALLY KNOWS me.. and LOVES me. When I remember what the truth is I am OK. I finally said out loud today, not that He needs it, and I am sure it is some form of blashemy..but I told Him I forgive Him for not healing Sid. I realized that I have been spending so much time trying to get into shape & being fit & healthy that I had been seriously neglecting the inside stuff that I need to work through. I spent the first few years after the stroke trying to hang onto the faith but I have to admit I had expectations attached to them. When those expectations weren't met, I got really messed up and started to turn away and I stayed hurt & angry, but still trying to "act" like I had it all together. No wonder I was exhausted so much. I don't "do phony" too well.

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