reflecting

As the 2 year anniversary of Sid's stroke approaches, I find myself in reflection.
Thoughts of how much our lives changed in that instant.
How we went to bed one night with plans for the next day, week,
month, years, and that all changed in a heartbeat. I find myself
full of gratitude for what we have and the blessings we have
received and also full of thoughts of what ifs. How would our
lives be if the stroke had never happened. would we still be
happy? in love? grateful for the simple things that are so often
taken for granted? Honestly the one thing I can't seem to let go
of the anger and sadness and that overwhelming sense of loss
is missing a plain old regular normal conversation. My man was the
talker in the family, and I just plain miss him. I literally got a new
husband that day. Don't misunderstand, I love him, just miss the
man I married. So I will be in this reflective way for the next few
days, and hope to focus on the gains and not the losses. For in
our loss we had enormous gain. For that I am grateful.

getting closer

Well, the man is doing a bit better today.
longer stretches between the pain meds
and he rested most of the day. He finally
ate more than 4 bites of food. It was like
10 bites. I told him he has to be better
within 75 days. That is when we leave
for our Disneyland Christmas. That
made him smile. So I will use that
as a motivator to help him in his
recovering process. We had already
decided to rent a scooter chair for
him since he tires so easily. That
decision was justified after a day at the
fair last week-end left him hobbling
around the next day. Spent much of the
day just playing on facebook watching
him sleep. Being grateful. Grateful
for the constant outpouring of love
and support and encouragement.
Grateful for being able to hope and
believe. Grateful to know that this
is all temporary and eternity is just
around the corner. Grateful that I can
be grateful. That is truly a gift.

here again

Well, I am embarrassed to even come back after such hit and miss blogging.
Much has been happening, at work at home, with Sid's health.
I will just give a quick rundown of last couple weeks if possible.
Sid is anemic and needed to have iron infusions. at the first one
he fainted --- twice. His feet swelled up to size of small watermelons
with frankfurter toes, and his heart rate and blood pressure went
crazy. this all earned him an ambulance ride to the hospital for
a overnight lodging. it was all very scary. He was looked at by a
neurologist that determined he just fainted. No seizure, no stroke
no damage..Praise God. He is now off the blood pressure meds he
has been taking for almost 2 years. I guess anemia will lower blood
pressure, too. So I missed 2 days of work to be with him. When I
went back to work, my boss says to me. "Oh, we really appreciate you
and how hard you work. We are paying you for the time you were off."
I just started crying and said thank you. I am so grateful for the
blessings that come. I figured I would use a sick day and just scrimp
on the other day, but once again God showed off in our life. So we go again
for another iron infusion this Wednesday. Hopefully it will be
drama free. Hoping I can be more consistent with this blog.
Time will tell, I guess.

"Happy Birthday"

These are the words my sweet husband said to me
this morning. We had been up for a few minutes
and he said "Oh Yeah,,umm Happy Birthday!!".
And I said Thanks honey I love you!!
You see it is our anniversary.
23 years ago we got married.
After living together for 3 1/2 years
we decided to get it right.
Neither one of us thought it was ok
to live together without being married
yet we did it anyway. Great example
we set for the kids, huh?
we didn't have a wedding.
never had an engagement ring
barely afforded a plain band.
We got married next to the
Naches river with our kids,
and then we went to Nile valley days,
and I then went to my bartending job.
And though nearly everyone
said it wouldn't last, here we are.
Not because of us, in spite of us.(mostly me)
And from the very beginning, we
both believed in our very cores
that God had given us each other
as gifts to the other.
I always used to tell Sid I got
the shiny new bike and he got
the scratchy sweater.
both gifts, yet not necessarily
the same on the coolness level.
I haven't said that or even really
thought it in a long time. I still think
I got the better gift, but I realize now
that God knew what we both needed.
And he knew I needed that shiny bike
and that Sid needed that scratchy
sweater, He always knows best.
So we went to Nile valley days,
and came home, and took a nap.
pretty simple and oh so nice.

whoo

What a week and a half...
Got a new boss at work.
He is fantastic! But, I
have to work in a different
department now. It is all
good, and I keep telling myself
to be grateful and that
god will equip me with everything
I need to do this. I would have made
the same decision if I had to make it.
So I now work in the parts dept. I am
the brake and clutch specialist...
woo hoo...I spent 17 years doing that
and was thrilled when I came to this company
and basically hung up the gloves
and utilized my administrative skills.
Well, they decided I had too many skills
in the area of parts sale to be working
as an office administrator, so hence the
move to parts and sales. I know it is just
the old friend fear coming to visit.
I have never done this type of work
in a dealership. What if I can't get it?
What if I mess up too much? All those
negative self=centered fears that
seem to come around way too frequently.
Grateful that I am no longer paralyzed
in my fear. I have learned to do things
afraid. To pray and give it to God, knowing
that He will bless me if I am honestly seeking
Him and believing that it is what He would have
me do. Takes alot of pressure off me. My hours
are different, too. So just alot of adjustment.
Just when things get "normal" it changes.
Thankful for the precious gifts from God.

ahhh Saturday

Well, I did it. I slept in...
Well, I guess technically I went back to bed
cuz puppies don't care if you are tired.
When they are hungry and want to go
outside they want it NOW. So I did
get up at my usual 4 am, and was back in bed
by 430...sigh......
It is now almost 9 and I have done a little
FarmTown(my new addiction)...=]
and am on my 2nd cup of joe.

We are going to go for a long over due
bike ride. Seems like the weekends that
we have had good weather something
has been going on, and the others have
just been bad weather. =/

So I will be putting off the Saturday
chores til who knows when and
just enjoy this lazy fun day.

Someone asked me yesterday
"What are you doing for Father's
Day?" and I burst into tears..
So I am going to smile and
think of all the good times
I had with my Daddy. And be
grateful. Some kids never
get that blessing. And oh
what a blessing he was.

still workin...

Well, I didn't get canned, yet.
The new boss told me he wasn't going to fire anyone right away,
he didn't want to be stuck doing all the work.
I think it is probably going to be just fine.
Sid brought me iced coffee at work today. =]
That is 5 out of the last 7 workdays that he
has thoughtfully treated me.
I forgot how much I missed being spoiled by him.
He used to tell me what he lived to do was see me smile.
So he naturally went out of his way for that to happen.
Simple things like calling me several times a day just to say
" hi gorgeous, I love you!"
I don't think he has called me gorgeous since the stroke.
That would have to be one of the thingsI miss the most,
the 45 second phone calls throughout
the day just to tell me he was thinking of me.
I just continue to ask for complete healing
and praise God for the constant grace.
We are so very blessed.

content

I love pancakes..got em for dinner.
Sid fixed them. doesn't get much better than that.
I asked if it was wrong to ask for more
from God where Sid's progress is concerned.
I didn't know if it was in some way a form
of ingratitude. I asked for prayer in that area
last week at ladies bible study.
My sisters assured me it wasn't wrong
to ask God for the desires of my heart.
Well, he isn't talking any better, but
his attitude and desire to pamper me
is waaay better. He has fixed my dinner
3 times in the last week. HUGE, improvement.
I didn't have to ask him, either. He was always
so thoughtful and attentive before the stroke,
and that part of his brain was affected. So, this
last few days I have had even more glimpses
of the "old" Sid, and it gives me hope and
makes me excited to see what God does
for us when we ask. So, I am going to ask
everyone I know to just keep praying for
Sid's continued healing, and for me to be
content with what God blesses me with.

blessed

What a great weekend. And it isn't over yet!!
The kids showed up late Friday and surprised
Sid for his birthday. He was so happy. I wish
I was as easy to please as he is.
Really, it was just a whole lotta nothin
special, yet it was oh so very special.
I am so grateful to be aware of the HUGE
blessings in everyday, simple things.
So much of my life was spent in deep lows
or high highs that the constant mellow
seemed just way too boring. I am now
older and wiser(snicker) and realize
there is so much wonder and awe in
the everyday occurrences of life if I just
open my eyes and pay attention.
Off to enjoy some more of the weekend.