slackin

Well I have been back from my "camping" trip for over a week and still no pics or details.
Well here's the deal. I worked over 73 hours last week. add into that minimal chores around
the house, and Sid's sister passing away, I have good reason for my lack of follow thru.
After working all those hours, come to find out the computer system didn't recognize
the bulk of changes, so we will have to do it all over. So for the next few weeks, I will
be working 10-12 hour days. Which I realize other people do all the time and manage
a home and children and everything else. I will too, just not as well as I would like.
I really wanted to be faithful to this blog. I will have to find out how that is going to happen.
so tata for now.

not sunday =/

I know I said I would see ya sunday,
but I got home late and just didn't
have time to get on here.(still don't)..=[
It is the week before inventory, so I got to
work hours today, and probably will be doing
that all week, so the pics and details of my
camping trip will have to wait. suffice to say
I have great friends!! We had a blast!!
more to come later...

goin "campin"

Got my swimsuit, and my toothbrush.
That should do it. Oh maybe better take
some jammies, that should be good.
No work and All play is on the itinerary.
See ya Sunday. =]

HOT tired...is it friday?

So looking forward to the weekend.
It is the annual girls camp out.
I and two of my best buds go every year
for the last 8 years or so. We used to go
in a tent and rough it. The last 3 years
we have camped via Red Lion....
We just hang out at the pool
and catch up and eat junk and laugh
and do cannonballs and act like 15 year
old girls, instead of the near 50 year
olds that we are..
The last couple months have been
draining and I could use a break.
I of course always feel a bit guilty
and selfish for needing it.
I also worry about my Sidney.
He still isn't quite right. If he
felt up to riding his motorcycle
I wouldn't be so concerned, but
he will normally ride no matter what.
Soooo, I don't know.

nothin to say

Well, I have made a commitment to do better at this
blog thing, and once again am at a loss for something
to say. I am grateful for being OK with my oh so
ordinary life. There was a time when I would have
called it boring. If it wasn't at one end of the spectrum
or the other I didn't seem to want any part of it. I
never really considered it a flaw, just how I was.
I am no longer like that. There is something nice
and comfortable with ordinary, nothing special.
Which is oh so special. See, like I said nothing..=]

"Happy Birthday"

These are the words my sweet husband said to me
this morning. We had been up for a few minutes
and he said "Oh Yeah,,umm Happy Birthday!!".
And I said Thanks honey I love you!!
You see it is our anniversary.
23 years ago we got married.
After living together for 3 1/2 years
we decided to get it right.
Neither one of us thought it was ok
to live together without being married
yet we did it anyway. Great example
we set for the kids, huh?
we didn't have a wedding.
never had an engagement ring
barely afforded a plain band.
We got married next to the
Naches river with our kids,
and then we went to Nile valley days,
and I then went to my bartending job.
And though nearly everyone
said it wouldn't last, here we are.
Not because of us, in spite of us.(mostly me)
And from the very beginning, we
both believed in our very cores
that God had given us each other
as gifts to the other.
I always used to tell Sid I got
the shiny new bike and he got
the scratchy sweater.
both gifts, yet not necessarily
the same on the coolness level.
I haven't said that or even really
thought it in a long time. I still think
I got the better gift, but I realize now
that God knew what we both needed.
And he knew I needed that shiny bike
and that Sid needed that scratchy
sweater, He always knows best.
So we went to Nile valley days,
and came home, and took a nap.
pretty simple and oh so nice.

here again

Oh my goodness...
I can't believe it is the middle of July
and this is my first post of the month.
Here's the dealio...I haven't been very
good company the last few weeks. I
have all kinds of reasons(excuses).
Sid fell and then he was just out of sorts
for about a week, I had decided to take
him in to get checked out, and he said
he was fine and refused to go. Well,
I let it go. And I watched him/
do nothing ...absolutely nothing.
He is in bed when I go to work,
and in recliner when I get home.
no sign of activity other than
the dirty dishes in the sink.
for 2 more weeks...where I
felt my ugly self rise to
the surface and the battle was on.
It has been raging pretty much non
stop until yesterday I guess.
I so hate myself when the selfishness
takes over. I had a realization as to
what my problem was. It was a
plain old fashioned hissy fit. And
I had to repent for it. I realized my
discouragement and disappointment
had been left to fester and boy did it
leave an ugly ugly spot..I have been
praying for COMPLETE healing
for Sid. I have been asking God to give
me back the man I love and miss.
And he hasn't done that. I am MAD
and I don't understand why I can't have
what I want!!! I just miss him so much!!
He is right here, yet not. It is so hard
to explain. Just a simple conversation
there is no such thing.


so I of course get stuck in the mire of
self-pity teamed with the self-loathing
that goes with it..the theme here is SELF.
I hope to be coming out of this oh so
familiar place. I have been here way too
long this time.
I did take Sid in to get checked out.
They decided to adjust his meds
and found his blood pressure was sky high
and increased that medication and he
also had irregular heartbeat, so another
test. back again in 2 weeks. I am now
montoring his blood pressure at home.
He did come to my work and bring me
coffee yesterday..first time in weeks
so I will continue to ask for complete
healing, and learn to be grateful for
what God has blessed me with.
We will be celebrating our anniversary
this Sunday.
Hope to do better at this..

big sigh

I don't know when it happened, or how I missed it.
I am no longer 25 and in great shape. =[
I hurt physically. I don't do hurt well.
I also, don't do whine without guilt well.
I have had it easy this last few years.
Only in my first few weeks of the parts
dept and my feet hurt. My back is aching,
and my neck is all outa whack. boo hoo....
I had gotten used to sitting in a nice comfy
chair all day. sure i did a little work standing
but for the most part sit down easy...
Well, that is no more.. I realize I have not
treated my body very well. Got lazy and
soft. Justified it by telling myself I don't
have time to exercise, all my free time
I spend trying to do stuff that Sid used to
do. How I am doing more around the house
and I deserve to relax, with or without
double scoops...So there you go there you
have it. I am the heaviest I have ever been
in my life and seem to not have the ooomph
to do anything to change it. So I am gonna
have to get real and take a good look in
the mirror and be honest. I hate doing that
I don't usually like what I see. However,
pain is a good motivator. And I am hurting.
Not just emotionally and spiritually, but physically.
Hard to push that down with a cookie. Hope
that posting this will give a bit of accountability
to my resolve to take a look at what I CAN do.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
So any thing else is just an excuse. Which I believe
is just a lie in disguise. big sigh...

whoo

What a week and a half...
Got a new boss at work.
He is fantastic! But, I
have to work in a different
department now. It is all
good, and I keep telling myself
to be grateful and that
god will equip me with everything
I need to do this. I would have made
the same decision if I had to make it.
So I now work in the parts dept. I am
the brake and clutch specialist...
woo hoo...I spent 17 years doing that
and was thrilled when I came to this company
and basically hung up the gloves
and utilized my administrative skills.
Well, they decided I had too many skills
in the area of parts sale to be working
as an office administrator, so hence the
move to parts and sales. I know it is just
the old friend fear coming to visit.
I have never done this type of work
in a dealership. What if I can't get it?
What if I mess up too much? All those
negative self=centered fears that
seem to come around way too frequently.
Grateful that I am no longer paralyzed
in my fear. I have learned to do things
afraid. To pray and give it to God, knowing
that He will bless me if I am honestly seeking
Him and believing that it is what He would have
me do. Takes alot of pressure off me. My hours
are different, too. So just alot of adjustment.
Just when things get "normal" it changes.
Thankful for the precious gifts from God.

ahhh Saturday

Well, I did it. I slept in...
Well, I guess technically I went back to bed
cuz puppies don't care if you are tired.
When they are hungry and want to go
outside they want it NOW. So I did
get up at my usual 4 am, and was back in bed
by 430...sigh......
It is now almost 9 and I have done a little
FarmTown(my new addiction)...=]
and am on my 2nd cup of joe.

We are going to go for a long over due
bike ride. Seems like the weekends that
we have had good weather something
has been going on, and the others have
just been bad weather. =/

So I will be putting off the Saturday
chores til who knows when and
just enjoy this lazy fun day.

Someone asked me yesterday
"What are you doing for Father's
Day?" and I burst into tears..
So I am going to smile and
think of all the good times
I had with my Daddy. And be
grateful. Some kids never
get that blessing. And oh
what a blessing he was.

reflection

Finding that the longer I go without being on here
the harder it is to get back in the groove.
I just can't seem to come up with anything to really say.
I have been reflecting a lot the past few weeks.
It has been a year since we lost Punkin.
Also will be the first Father's day without my Dad.
He died 10 days after our sweet Punky.
They were such good friends. I found it fitting
that they passed on so close together.
They both lived long happy lives.
Much loved by their families.
Loyal and fierce in their protection.
Happy and exuberant in their affection.
My Daddy was my hero, and I was his
precious little girl always.
I haven't had the heart to go through any
of his stuff we boxed up and cleaned out of
his house.(I actually didn't do any of it)..
Just not ready to deal with it I guess.
that's what is going on with me..=]

still workin...

Well, I didn't get canned, yet.
The new boss told me he wasn't going to fire anyone right away,
he didn't want to be stuck doing all the work.
I think it is probably going to be just fine.
Sid brought me iced coffee at work today. =]
That is 5 out of the last 7 workdays that he
has thoughtfully treated me.
I forgot how much I missed being spoiled by him.
He used to tell me what he lived to do was see me smile.
So he naturally went out of his way for that to happen.
Simple things like calling me several times a day just to say
" hi gorgeous, I love you!"
I don't think he has called me gorgeous since the stroke.
That would have to be one of the thingsI miss the most,
the 45 second phone calls throughout
the day just to tell me he was thinking of me.
I just continue to ask for complete healing
and praise God for the constant grace.
We are so very blessed.

what next?

I am feeling so blessed and so anxious all at the same time. My boss got fired last week.
This came totally out of left field. I guess if I paid more attention to the politics of work
I would have been more in the know.
I am to be getting a new boss tomorrow.
The rumor is that he is going to fire everyone
and hire his own crew. So, needless to say I am scared.
I know that God is going to take care of us.
I just want it to be easy. I don't want to have to change.
I think I have been through enough already.
As I say this, I see the selfish horrid creature that I am.
I so want to be the woman full of faith and assurance.
I have enormous bags full of evidence to this,
yet here I am again...playing the what if game.
I have absolutely no reason to think I am going to lose my job,
but I am already planning what to do when we lose our home..
This is the kind of stuff that goes on in my head.
I hate that about me. I used to be able to talk to Sid about this stuff,
and he would always steer me right. I miss him so.
And he is RIGHT HERE!!

I don't know how people do life without God.
Especially when it is hard.
I was telling someone the other day that years ago
when Sid had lymphoma and was told he needed
to get his affairs in order, I was always waiting and afraid
of the cancer coming back and taking him.
I never worried that a stroke would strike
(if I wasn't so mired in self pity right now, that would be funny)
oh heck it is funny.(I know it's twisted)
we were struck with a stroke...
That's how this bloggy thing seems to work..
I get brought around to see that I need to
put my eyes on Jesus. To trust in Him.
Paul didn't whine about his circumstances.
He used each one as an opportunity to glorify
God. Why can't I do that? Something to shoot for
I would say. At least I am not stuck in that
horrible stink of self-pity anymore.
Thankful for that..=]

comin out of the funk??

Ok, here's the deal.
I am so very embarrassed to admit,
but I haven't felt that
I had anything worth sharing,
so I haven't even tried.
I have noticed that when I hunker in,
no matter what I think I have to say
something comes out.
I also believe that God uses that;
Sometimes it is for the insight I come to as I write,
sometimes it is from the comments
that are left as a result.
So, I am going to try and do better
at sharing my oh so ordinary life with you.
And in the process learn and grow.

feelin funky

Haven't been able to write anything lately..I've been working long days, and just haven't had anything left in me. By the time I get home and do the few chores I have, it's basically time to
go to bed. I had so much overtime, they made me leave work early one day last week. Sid and I took the opportunity to go on a little road trip. We drove down to Kennewick and spent
the afternoon at the Columbia center mall. they have stores we don't have here. like JC Penney and Victoria's Secret. It was a nice day. I have been playing catch up since. Sid hasn't felt well, and has pretty much just been laying around again. Although he did bring me an iced coffee today on his way to speech therapy. =]...Maybe I should try this in the mornings when I seem to think a little better..I think? =/ just in a funk..grateful to know that this too shall pass. Grateful to know I don't have to let my "feelings" determine how I am going to act or what I am going to do. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Now that's a pretty big deal!