Pity Pot

Here I am again. feeling sorry for myself. I hate this about me.
I am so very aware of the blessings in my life. They are so very
abundant. Yet, I can't seem to get past the feelings of loss. and
hurt and anger over it and the guilt that always accompanies
it all.I cried out to God again, Please please give me my Sid back.
It seems like he keeps slipping away from me little pieces at a time.
I hate that I get into this. but it is a part of who I am. Selfish
Self centered. BLECH...I can't seem to see past right in front of
me. The big picture is all blurry.
Things had just seemed like OK, and then the accident.
Sid is so very fortunate that his injuries are not any worse,
but he has slipped way back emotionally and in his willingness
to even try. I felt like I was beginning to get a bit of the "old"
Sid back, and then we are hit with this. I am at a point I hate.
Where my faith is just not there. Where I think I know better,
and I know that is just lies lies lies. I know that this too shall pass.
I am just a spoiled child throwing a fit, because I want what I
want. I wish Sid could communicate well enough to tell me
how it is for him.When I get so stuck in how hard it is on me,
I forget he is probably trapped somewhat inside himself.
whenever I have asked him, he just kinda shrugs and says
"whatever, nothing you can do about it"
I am grateful, even though I am having a rough time
seeing it right now. I do know that I don't have to entertain
these feelings. I have the experience of getting through them
in the past. I just don't much like it right now. Tomorrow is
another day. Who knows, maybe by this evening?

Remembering...Mom

It has been a year since we lost Sid's mom. Seems like
just a few weeks ago and with all that has happened in
this last year it seems as though much more time must
have passed. She was a funny wonderful lovely woman.
One of my favorite memories of her, and this gives you
an idea of just how wonderful she was.
Way back in the day, we were known to go out on the
occasional Saturday night. My husband and I and 2 of his sisters
and their husband/boyfriend. Anyway, one night we had all
had a bit much to drink and thought it would be nice to have
breakfast. we walked to my sweet mother-in-law's and woke
her up. She proceeded to fry bacon and sausages, and make
fried potatoes, and eggs and toast. And she did it laughing
and with such a joy. She was truly happy serving her family.
I learned so much from that wonderful lady. I miss her so.
She held her family together. She was a gift and I am grateful
to have loved her, and to know that she loved me..

getting closer

Well, the man is doing a bit better today.
longer stretches between the pain meds
and he rested most of the day. He finally
ate more than 4 bites of food. It was like
10 bites. I told him he has to be better
within 75 days. That is when we leave
for our Disneyland Christmas. That
made him smile. So I will use that
as a motivator to help him in his
recovering process. We had already
decided to rent a scooter chair for
him since he tires so easily. That
decision was justified after a day at the
fair last week-end left him hobbling
around the next day. Spent much of the
day just playing on facebook watching
him sleep. Being grateful. Grateful
for the constant outpouring of love
and support and encouragement.
Grateful for being able to hope and
believe. Grateful to know that this
is all temporary and eternity is just
around the corner. Grateful that I can
be grateful. That is truly a gift.

c'mon boring

this is the phone call I got Tuesday at work.
"Mrs. Peterson?" I say, yes.
They say "this is memorial hospital, and
Sidney has been in a motorcycle accident."
I ask "is he alright?" they say...
"he's alive." then the phone goes dead.
AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.
I grab keys and race to the hospital.
I get there to find him bruised and slightly
broken and very much alive. exhale....
the ER people are asking him questions
and he is talking like he does since the stroke,
and they tell me, they have done a scan of his
brain as there appears to be some trauma. I
tell them he is fine, he just talks like that since the
stroke. They were like, "oh, this is normal?"
I said "yep, it is for us anyway."
they don't even clean his scrapes or bandage
him up, sent him home with the IV thing still
in his arm. I took it out the next day, as I really
thought I would be taking him back, which I did.
they missed the broken collar bone, fingers, and foot
other than that, he is in pretty good shape.
2 ambulance rides in a week's time is just too
much excitement for this old girl.(aging faster
all the time)
Just looking forward to humdrum, nothing out
of the ordinary. Next day pretty much the same as
the one before, for just a while anyway. I am tired.
poor guy didn't sleep much for the first 3 days.
finally got some decent rest last night. hoping to
get some more tonight. Oh, and he wrecked on
his way to surprise me with lunch. I love this
sweet man that God gifted me with. I just want
to keep him healthy and uninjured. Oh and I still
want a complete normal conversation, too.
But, I will be content in whatever my circumstance
even if I don't like it much.

fair time

My sweet man brought me home a sammich from the fair.
lotsa onions and cheese & meat all on a bun. mmmm
So, I am going to go eat my dinner, do some facebook
and go to bed at a decent time. gnite

here again

Well, I am embarrassed to even come back after such hit and miss blogging.
Much has been happening, at work at home, with Sid's health.
I will just give a quick rundown of last couple weeks if possible.
Sid is anemic and needed to have iron infusions. at the first one
he fainted --- twice. His feet swelled up to size of small watermelons
with frankfurter toes, and his heart rate and blood pressure went
crazy. this all earned him an ambulance ride to the hospital for
a overnight lodging. it was all very scary. He was looked at by a
neurologist that determined he just fainted. No seizure, no stroke
no damage..Praise God. He is now off the blood pressure meds he
has been taking for almost 2 years. I guess anemia will lower blood
pressure, too. So I missed 2 days of work to be with him. When I
went back to work, my boss says to me. "Oh, we really appreciate you
and how hard you work. We are paying you for the time you were off."
I just started crying and said thank you. I am so grateful for the
blessings that come. I figured I would use a sick day and just scrimp
on the other day, but once again God showed off in our life. So we go again
for another iron infusion this Wednesday. Hopefully it will be
drama free. Hoping I can be more consistent with this blog.
Time will tell, I guess.

long time no "see"

WOW, seems like forever since I have been here. I have been busy at work and that is a whole blog of it's own. Inventory is done for another year. YAY. I did manage to work enough hours to bank the cash we will need for our Disney Christmas, so I am thankful for that. So, since I was here last, I lost a good friend. I had another relapse (heroin addict) worked 65 - 70 hours per week and found out my sweet man is anemic and undergoing more tests because of his platelet counts being way out of whack. We go back to north star Thursday to find out more. so far just anemia and iron deficient. I am now on regular schedule at work 7-4. that should make a huge difference in how I manage my time. I am a morning person, and don't do extra hours well anymore. I got to go to church yesterday, first time in over a month. It is amazing how much that helped my attitude. I am so looking forward to ladies bible study starting back up. I think I just want to have some sort of normalcy and I don't even know what that is anymore. What used to be normal is so far from what is normal now. I wish sometimes to have that old life back, that I so took for granted. The easy life, then I remember to be content in all circumstances. That I can do that even if I don't "feel" it.

lazy day

What a week. I was supposed to work today as well,
but when I asked my boss what time he wanted me
to come in, he said "just take the day off"..I almost started
crying I was so relieved. He appreciated all the extra hours
and effort I have been putting in, and thought I deserved
a whole weekend off. I really like this new boss of mine.
I took 2 naps today. I did get up at my usual 4 am
so it isn't too horrible that I took a morning
and an afternoon nap. Sid handled dinner (taco bell). and here
I am. I did change the bed and do some laundry, but other than that
it was veg out completely. Saw something today that makes me
sick to my stomach. And not sure if I can post about it or not.
I am going to keep praying about it, and maybe I will post on it
later on. I just don't want to do anything that may embarrass
someone else, even if it has a HUGE impact on me and how
I am feeling right now. suffice it to say I am angry, hurt,
confused, and asking the question why why why?
so one more crazy 12 hour a day workweek ahead, and
I will be working next Saturday and Sunday, but after
that I will be on my new schedule 7-4. YAY that will
make my life a whole lot less hectic. I am going to go
finish my oh so lazy day with a movie and some ice cream.

perception

Just finished reading a blogger I really enjoy. Who makes me
see life in such a wonderful way. I so appreciate her
honesty in the everyday stuff. Made me realize
just how much I still compare myself to others, and still come
up lacking. I hate that about me. I was thinking as I was reading
how she missed her size 2's, that I miss my size 8's. I am totally
thrilled to be a size 8.(been in double digits for a while now) =/
I also remember 20 some years ago that
a size 8 was HUGE- GINORMOUS. How that perception has
changed so much in 20 years. I have talked with many young girls
who are constantly battling and feeling lousy about themselves
and I think back on all the time I spent doing the very same
thing. Time I can't get back, EVER. I look back at pictures
taken when I was in my twenties and a solid size 5 that I
worked nonstop to keep up, because I thought I was still
too fat, and say to myself "DANG< I was not too shabby."
What changes between 25 and 45? I don't know.
I know that I will have a lifelong struggle with weight
and some chapters of my life it is a bit easier to battle
than others. I just want to be OK with who I AM.
more so than How I am, if that makes any sense.
I spent so much of my life focused on the outside
stuff, I never even looked at the really ugly inside
stuff. It creeps up oh so frequently. blech

good day...

It was a good day.
Got a bit of peace and just a sense
of whatever happens happens.
Don't know how long that will last.
Well, actually I do. Til the stupid tests
are done and results are back. =].
I am so thankful for the people in my
life that remind me of the truth. That
hold me up and encourage me.
My sweet man brought me an iced
coffee to my work today, AND he
handled dinner for us as well..yummy
I really cherish these sweet times.
now it is off to bed, after I check on the
farm that is...

don't feel like it

we got the results from Sid's blood work. He is anemic, and
has to do some more tests for that. And his platelet count is
way off so we have to go to a hematologist and look into that
further. I am just afraid right now. I was blessed with a crazy
hectic chaotic day at work that left me no time to think, and
now I am home and trying not to think. I hate that I go to the
"what if's" instead of just going with the flow. It is probably
nothing to worry about and I will have wasted all this time
worrying and fretting over a situation I have absolutely no
control over anyway. One of the long term effects of his cancer
treatments that he underwent years ago, was the likelihood of
developing a type of leukemia. So, I of course, am terrified.
I hate that, I told someone today that we don't live in fear,
yet I am afraid. I am doing my darndest to not allow the fear
to take over. Sid of course is just so mellow. He says to me
nothing you can do about it. all matter of fact like. I just don't
really feel like talking about it, but did anyway. I wonder how
people do life without God. I am a mess with Him, yet still
have the peace and hope that comes with knowing He is in
control. He knows exactly what He is doing. I just need to
trust that.

minor setback

Well, I went to the dentist today to see how my invisalign treatment was going.
I started in October, and the expected length of treatment was 10 months.
Well, I have 4 teeth that aren't "tracking" right , and we have to start over.
Not totally over, obviously. I am so happy to say my teeth have straightened
up quite a bit. I received a lot of compliments on them over the week-end
from family and friends that we haven't seen in a while. Anyway, I had new
molds taken and will have to wait 2-3 weeks for the new aligners to come.
In the meantime I will have to stay on #17 for a while longer.
I remember as a child on school picture day my mom telling me
to be sure to not show my teeth when I smiled. I always thought I
was sooo ugly. I was sure that if I just had straight teeth that maybe,
just maybe, I may be a little bit pretty.
After nearly 40 years of thinking my mom thought I was just
a hideous looking child, come to find out she was just embarrassed for
not being able to afford to fix my teeth. It is amazing what we pass on
without even thinking about it. I am just really excited that I will finally
see what I will look like with teeth that aren't all overlapped and twisted.
I am also glad that my Mom and I got the opportunity to work through
that lifelong misunderstanding. So much of my life I thought one thing was
true only to find I was mistaken. It is all perception, and God has given me
the chance to look at things from a different perspective.

Goodbye

My sister in law's funeral was today.
It was a nice service and all. Her husband
will miss her so. They would have
celebrated 34 years of marriage tomorrow.
I sat there and reflected on so much.
I, being the self-centered wretch that
I am, thought of how I would be feeling
if I was the one left behind. I have always
told Sid that I hoped to go before him.
I knew he would be alright without me,
but I would never be OK without him.
I then thought of how I have been learning
to be OK without the him I knew since his
stroke. I in a sense lost my husband that day
even though he is here still. I just have a totally
different guy than I started with. Don't , please,
don't think I am complaining about my circumstances.
I am truly just telling it like it is. and no I don't much
care for it most days. But, it is the path the Lord has
put before me. When I think of how "hard" I have it,
I think of countless others in this world who have it
so much tougher than I do. I have a friend who tells
me that maybe I am being prepared for something
through this. I am sure God has a plan and I just hope
that I cooperate and trust Him in it.

is it bedtime yet?

Can't remember the last time I felt this tired.
I am all over tired. Mind body and spirit. I
caught myself ready to cry today over nothing.
I mean absolutely nothing. I cannot stand myself
some days. yet I wonder why others find me
annoying...lol I know pretty funny, huh?
My sister in law's funeral is tomorrow, so
we have family coming to town for that.
Seems just so wrong that we never seem to
see some of our loved ones (we really do
love them) unless it is a funeral. I will miss
my dear sister in law.

We have shared so much of our lives together.
It seems fitting that she passed on Mom's birthday,
who would have turned 80 this year. So much to
reflect on. And be grateful for the happy times.

finally

in the first pic is my buds Robyn & Cindy & I
the next shows the campsite entrance.

our tan selves...=]

Ok this is the 4th time I have tried to post this blog with the photos.

I so stink at some of this stuff. I should be in bed, oh so tired. I am

aware it is not yet 9 pm. I had planned to be in bed early. I just

wanted to put these on here. I don't know how to move them around once I

get them uploaded. So this will just have to do.

We had such a great time on our annual outing.

We used to do the actual camping in a tent in the

dirt and all that good stuff. I do miss the smores...

But, this is definitely the way to go camping. =]

We just enjoyed and came home tan, with a few

shopping bags thrown in.