lazy day

What a week. I was supposed to work today as well,
but when I asked my boss what time he wanted me
to come in, he said "just take the day off"..I almost started
crying I was so relieved. He appreciated all the extra hours
and effort I have been putting in, and thought I deserved
a whole weekend off. I really like this new boss of mine.
I took 2 naps today. I did get up at my usual 4 am
so it isn't too horrible that I took a morning
and an afternoon nap. Sid handled dinner (taco bell). and here
I am. I did change the bed and do some laundry, but other than that
it was veg out completely. Saw something today that makes me
sick to my stomach. And not sure if I can post about it or not.
I am going to keep praying about it, and maybe I will post on it
later on. I just don't want to do anything that may embarrass
someone else, even if it has a HUGE impact on me and how
I am feeling right now. suffice it to say I am angry, hurt,
confused, and asking the question why why why?
so one more crazy 12 hour a day workweek ahead, and
I will be working next Saturday and Sunday, but after
that I will be on my new schedule 7-4. YAY that will
make my life a whole lot less hectic. I am going to go
finish my oh so lazy day with a movie and some ice cream.

perception

Just finished reading a blogger I really enjoy. Who makes me
see life in such a wonderful way. I so appreciate her
honesty in the everyday stuff. Made me realize
just how much I still compare myself to others, and still come
up lacking. I hate that about me. I was thinking as I was reading
how she missed her size 2's, that I miss my size 8's. I am totally
thrilled to be a size 8.(been in double digits for a while now) =/
I also remember 20 some years ago that
a size 8 was HUGE- GINORMOUS. How that perception has
changed so much in 20 years. I have talked with many young girls
who are constantly battling and feeling lousy about themselves
and I think back on all the time I spent doing the very same
thing. Time I can't get back, EVER. I look back at pictures
taken when I was in my twenties and a solid size 5 that I
worked nonstop to keep up, because I thought I was still
too fat, and say to myself "DANG< I was not too shabby."
What changes between 25 and 45? I don't know.
I know that I will have a lifelong struggle with weight
and some chapters of my life it is a bit easier to battle
than others. I just want to be OK with who I AM.
more so than How I am, if that makes any sense.
I spent so much of my life focused on the outside
stuff, I never even looked at the really ugly inside
stuff. It creeps up oh so frequently. blech

good day...

It was a good day.
Got a bit of peace and just a sense
of whatever happens happens.
Don't know how long that will last.
Well, actually I do. Til the stupid tests
are done and results are back. =].
I am so thankful for the people in my
life that remind me of the truth. That
hold me up and encourage me.
My sweet man brought me an iced
coffee to my work today, AND he
handled dinner for us as well..yummy
I really cherish these sweet times.
now it is off to bed, after I check on the
farm that is...

don't feel like it

we got the results from Sid's blood work. He is anemic, and
has to do some more tests for that. And his platelet count is
way off so we have to go to a hematologist and look into that
further. I am just afraid right now. I was blessed with a crazy
hectic chaotic day at work that left me no time to think, and
now I am home and trying not to think. I hate that I go to the
"what if's" instead of just going with the flow. It is probably
nothing to worry about and I will have wasted all this time
worrying and fretting over a situation I have absolutely no
control over anyway. One of the long term effects of his cancer
treatments that he underwent years ago, was the likelihood of
developing a type of leukemia. So, I of course, am terrified.
I hate that, I told someone today that we don't live in fear,
yet I am afraid. I am doing my darndest to not allow the fear
to take over. Sid of course is just so mellow. He says to me
nothing you can do about it. all matter of fact like. I just don't
really feel like talking about it, but did anyway. I wonder how
people do life without God. I am a mess with Him, yet still
have the peace and hope that comes with knowing He is in
control. He knows exactly what He is doing. I just need to
trust that.

minor setback

Well, I went to the dentist today to see how my invisalign treatment was going.
I started in October, and the expected length of treatment was 10 months.
Well, I have 4 teeth that aren't "tracking" right , and we have to start over.
Not totally over, obviously. I am so happy to say my teeth have straightened
up quite a bit. I received a lot of compliments on them over the week-end
from family and friends that we haven't seen in a while. Anyway, I had new
molds taken and will have to wait 2-3 weeks for the new aligners to come.
In the meantime I will have to stay on #17 for a while longer.
I remember as a child on school picture day my mom telling me
to be sure to not show my teeth when I smiled. I always thought I
was sooo ugly. I was sure that if I just had straight teeth that maybe,
just maybe, I may be a little bit pretty.
After nearly 40 years of thinking my mom thought I was just
a hideous looking child, come to find out she was just embarrassed for
not being able to afford to fix my teeth. It is amazing what we pass on
without even thinking about it. I am just really excited that I will finally
see what I will look like with teeth that aren't all overlapped and twisted.
I am also glad that my Mom and I got the opportunity to work through
that lifelong misunderstanding. So much of my life I thought one thing was
true only to find I was mistaken. It is all perception, and God has given me
the chance to look at things from a different perspective.

Goodbye

My sister in law's funeral was today.
It was a nice service and all. Her husband
will miss her so. They would have
celebrated 34 years of marriage tomorrow.
I sat there and reflected on so much.
I, being the self-centered wretch that
I am, thought of how I would be feeling
if I was the one left behind. I have always
told Sid that I hoped to go before him.
I knew he would be alright without me,
but I would never be OK without him.
I then thought of how I have been learning
to be OK without the him I knew since his
stroke. I in a sense lost my husband that day
even though he is here still. I just have a totally
different guy than I started with. Don't , please,
don't think I am complaining about my circumstances.
I am truly just telling it like it is. and no I don't much
care for it most days. But, it is the path the Lord has
put before me. When I think of how "hard" I have it,
I think of countless others in this world who have it
so much tougher than I do. I have a friend who tells
me that maybe I am being prepared for something
through this. I am sure God has a plan and I just hope
that I cooperate and trust Him in it.

is it bedtime yet?

Can't remember the last time I felt this tired.
I am all over tired. Mind body and spirit. I
caught myself ready to cry today over nothing.
I mean absolutely nothing. I cannot stand myself
some days. yet I wonder why others find me
annoying...lol I know pretty funny, huh?
My sister in law's funeral is tomorrow, so
we have family coming to town for that.
Seems just so wrong that we never seem to
see some of our loved ones (we really do
love them) unless it is a funeral. I will miss
my dear sister in law.

We have shared so much of our lives together.
It seems fitting that she passed on Mom's birthday,
who would have turned 80 this year. So much to
reflect on. And be grateful for the happy times.

finally

in the first pic is my buds Robyn & Cindy & I
the next shows the campsite entrance.

our tan selves...=]

Ok this is the 4th time I have tried to post this blog with the photos.

I so stink at some of this stuff. I should be in bed, oh so tired. I am

aware it is not yet 9 pm. I had planned to be in bed early. I just

wanted to put these on here. I don't know how to move them around once I

get them uploaded. So this will just have to do.

We had such a great time on our annual outing.

We used to do the actual camping in a tent in the

dirt and all that good stuff. I do miss the smores...

But, this is definitely the way to go camping. =]

We just enjoyed and came home tan, with a few

shopping bags thrown in.

slackin

Well I have been back from my "camping" trip for over a week and still no pics or details.
Well here's the deal. I worked over 73 hours last week. add into that minimal chores around
the house, and Sid's sister passing away, I have good reason for my lack of follow thru.
After working all those hours, come to find out the computer system didn't recognize
the bulk of changes, so we will have to do it all over. So for the next few weeks, I will
be working 10-12 hour days. Which I realize other people do all the time and manage
a home and children and everything else. I will too, just not as well as I would like.
I really wanted to be faithful to this blog. I will have to find out how that is going to happen.
so tata for now.