acceptance of reality

Well, it has only been a little under a year since Sid was told no more driving. I have finally posted his car for sale. I had been dragging my feet. It was like if I put it up for sale, I was admitting defeat. I wasn't ready to make it final. I mean, it isn't hurting anything just sitting in it's little canvas garage.

Well, the reality is- we could use the money. It just seems like it is one more tangible piece that has to be let go of. We will be celebrating our 25th anniversary this year(God willing), and we have taken a trip to Disneyland for our 5th,10th,15th,and 20th. If we sell the car, we plan on using part of the money to go for our 25th. That helps ease the sting of reality.

New Year, New Possibilities?

I don't do them.
I think they are kinda silly.
I mean who really does it and sticks to it?
Yep, you guessed it..New Year's resolutions.
I have NEVER made them. NEVER
Never had to worry about keeping them.
Or breaking them.
I made one this year....
I made a resolution to log 2011 miles on my motorcycle.
Not impossible. Totally DOABLE...
I put 500 miles on it since buying it 2 years ago.
Granted, life has been a bit chaotic since then.
With Sid unable to ride or drive anymore I found excuses not to go.
It was so hard going without him.
 I cry all the way out the driveway and fog up my goggles.
I usually stop crying by the time I get 2 blocks down the road.
I LOVE riding.
I just hadn't planned on doing it without MY LOVE. :(
I watch him smiling and waving as I leave.
He is so happy for me. He Loves seeing me ride my bike.
It is a time that I feel that sense of ahhhh..I can breathe..
I can't explain it. It is a sense of freedom and release of care.
It is a time that nothing matters. I can sing at the top of my lungs(and I do),
talk to God, just empty my mind of all the stuff that is always
racing up there. the stuff that threatens to steal my joy.
After alot of soul searching and prayer, I realized it was
mostly fear and guilt keeping me from going riding last year.
I felt guilty going without Sid, and fearful of something happening
while I was out riding. I have not been given a spirit of fear, and I
refuse to live in that any longer. So this is my first resolution, and
I am hoping I can keep it. God willing, I will..

perception

Just finished reading a blogger I really enjoy. Who makes me
see life in such a wonderful way. I so appreciate her
honesty in the everyday stuff. Made me realize
just how much I still compare myself to others, and still come
up lacking. I hate that about me. I was thinking as I was reading
how she missed her size 2's, that I miss my size 8's. I am totally
thrilled to be a size 8.(been in double digits for a while now) =/
I also remember 20 some years ago that
a size 8 was HUGE- GINORMOUS. How that perception has
changed so much in 20 years. I have talked with many young girls
who are constantly battling and feeling lousy about themselves
and I think back on all the time I spent doing the very same
thing. Time I can't get back, EVER. I look back at pictures
taken when I was in my twenties and a solid size 5 that I
worked nonstop to keep up, because I thought I was still
too fat, and say to myself "DANG< I was not too shabby."
What changes between 25 and 45? I don't know.
I know that I will have a lifelong struggle with weight
and some chapters of my life it is a bit easier to battle
than others. I just want to be OK with who I AM.
more so than How I am, if that makes any sense.
I spent so much of my life focused on the outside
stuff, I never even looked at the really ugly inside
stuff. It creeps up oh so frequently. blech