over the hump?

I came to a realization yesterday. I have been doing some sort of inner thing where I guess I have been thinking that if I really believe enough and try hard enough and be good enough and blah blah blah, that somehow God is going to reward me and make Sid all better. I realized that the last 6 months or so that my attitude has been one of defeat and feeling beat down and just consuming weariness. I realized that I have been placing way too much emphasis on how sid is or isn't than truly appreciating the tremendous blessing of still having him and still being able to hope. I guess I had placed so much hope and belief that God was going to heal Sid completely. and when that didn't happen, I thought to myself, I just need to do more to show God how much I really want this and how much I deserve it.(I know I was wrong). Realized that I had for so long placed Sid in the place of God. that God wanted my whole heart, not just the leftover. that He wants me to trust him completely. that I may not like the circumstances. I am sure Paul wasn't too thrilled with being imprisoned, but used the opportunity to glorify God. I haven't been doing any of that. I have been too busy throwing pity parties and tantrums to see that I have a tremendous opportunity to give God glory. I lost my way in the midst of life. I (for now anyway) accept that Sid is not going to get any better, that God is in charge of that. I don't get to try to bargain even if it is subconsciously. I got some peace and joy going on right now and I am grateful.I am still going to hope and pray to get my sweet man back, but for now I have a different attitude about it.