getting ready

Well,Sid goes in tomorrow to have surgery on his carotid blockage. hoping he gets some energy back. Scared that it isn't going to change anything. I KNOW it is going to unplug the artery which will give that side of his brain the blood flow that it has been missing out on for last 6 months or more. Hoping and praying for miracles of complete healing. I just miss him so much. I had gotten used to the "new" Sid and since the last seizure and little stroke in october, he has just gotten progressively worse and slipped further away from me, so that I have come to a resigned acceptance that he may never get better. We enjoyed a nice dinner and had a pretty good little chat. I ask lots of questions and he answers yes or no..LOL and on some of them I get the finger..he is so funny....=]
I asked him if he was scared or nervous and he said nope. He has always been a calm stable rock. Still is...LOVE LOVE LOVE him soo...

over the hump?

I came to a realization yesterday. I have been doing some sort of inner thing where I guess I have been thinking that if I really believe enough and try hard enough and be good enough and blah blah blah, that somehow God is going to reward me and make Sid all better. I realized that the last 6 months or so that my attitude has been one of defeat and feeling beat down and just consuming weariness. I realized that I have been placing way too much emphasis on how sid is or isn't than truly appreciating the tremendous blessing of still having him and still being able to hope. I guess I had placed so much hope and belief that God was going to heal Sid completely. and when that didn't happen, I thought to myself, I just need to do more to show God how much I really want this and how much I deserve it.(I know I was wrong). Realized that I had for so long placed Sid in the place of God. that God wanted my whole heart, not just the leftover. that He wants me to trust him completely. that I may not like the circumstances. I am sure Paul wasn't too thrilled with being imprisoned, but used the opportunity to glorify God. I haven't been doing any of that. I have been too busy throwing pity parties and tantrums to see that I have a tremendous opportunity to give God glory. I lost my way in the midst of life. I (for now anyway) accept that Sid is not going to get any better, that God is in charge of that. I don't get to try to bargain even if it is subconsciously. I got some peace and joy going on right now and I am grateful.I am still going to hope and pray to get my sweet man back, but for now I have a different attitude about it.

winter blahs...

been over a month since I blogged. I have had plenty to talk about, too.
so much has been happening. Our son moved back home. He and his new bride
are divorcing..so sad about that. lots of family drama and ugliness, which I don't engage in. Sid has continued to do worse. He doesn't "feel" like doing anything at all. He pretty much lays in his recliner all day and watches TV. I fear him slipping further away.
just the day to day life of work,chores,activities, and such. I had another birthday. It is the first birthday that I have not received a card from my sweet man. It was a bit melancholy. I had so many years of complete spoiling on my special day, that this year was a bit tough. I did spend a bit of time feeling sorry for myself, but it didn't last as long. I believe the Lord has done a work in my heart to relieve me of a small bit of my selfishness and selfcenteredness. still plenty left..but enough has been rooted out to make me different.
we finally got some answers from doctors. after weeks of calling them and getting basically nothing, it turns out that Sid needed to be seeing the surgeon and getting the surgery scheduled.(should have been done before we went on vacation) I think he got lost in the shuffle somehow. So he goes next week to get unclogged. For some reason, I just couldn't let it rest when they said they wanted him to wait 6 months and just monitor him. I kept asking them to make me understand why we were waiting for the inevitable..without the surgery, a stroke was certain. He runs some risk with the surgery, too. Thankful we know God is in control. I could not imagine how hard this would be without Him..glad I don't have to do it alone.
Lots more has happened in the last month, but I think I will save it for another day..