big sigh

I don't know when it happened, or how I missed it.
I am no longer 25 and in great shape. =[
I hurt physically. I don't do hurt well.
I also, don't do whine without guilt well.
I have had it easy this last few years.
Only in my first few weeks of the parts
dept and my feet hurt. My back is aching,
and my neck is all outa whack. boo hoo....
I had gotten used to sitting in a nice comfy
chair all day. sure i did a little work standing
but for the most part sit down easy...
Well, that is no more.. I realize I have not
treated my body very well. Got lazy and
soft. Justified it by telling myself I don't
have time to exercise, all my free time
I spend trying to do stuff that Sid used to
do. How I am doing more around the house
and I deserve to relax, with or without
double scoops...So there you go there you
have it. I am the heaviest I have ever been
in my life and seem to not have the ooomph
to do anything to change it. So I am gonna
have to get real and take a good look in
the mirror and be honest. I hate doing that
I don't usually like what I see. However,
pain is a good motivator. And I am hurting.
Not just emotionally and spiritually, but physically.
Hard to push that down with a cookie. Hope
that posting this will give a bit of accountability
to my resolve to take a look at what I CAN do.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
So any thing else is just an excuse. Which I believe
is just a lie in disguise. big sigh...

whoo

What a week and a half...
Got a new boss at work.
He is fantastic! But, I
have to work in a different
department now. It is all
good, and I keep telling myself
to be grateful and that
god will equip me with everything
I need to do this. I would have made
the same decision if I had to make it.
So I now work in the parts dept. I am
the brake and clutch specialist...
woo hoo...I spent 17 years doing that
and was thrilled when I came to this company
and basically hung up the gloves
and utilized my administrative skills.
Well, they decided I had too many skills
in the area of parts sale to be working
as an office administrator, so hence the
move to parts and sales. I know it is just
the old friend fear coming to visit.
I have never done this type of work
in a dealership. What if I can't get it?
What if I mess up too much? All those
negative self=centered fears that
seem to come around way too frequently.
Grateful that I am no longer paralyzed
in my fear. I have learned to do things
afraid. To pray and give it to God, knowing
that He will bless me if I am honestly seeking
Him and believing that it is what He would have
me do. Takes alot of pressure off me. My hours
are different, too. So just alot of adjustment.
Just when things get "normal" it changes.
Thankful for the precious gifts from God.

ahhh Saturday

Well, I did it. I slept in...
Well, I guess technically I went back to bed
cuz puppies don't care if you are tired.
When they are hungry and want to go
outside they want it NOW. So I did
get up at my usual 4 am, and was back in bed
by 430...sigh......
It is now almost 9 and I have done a little
FarmTown(my new addiction)...=]
and am on my 2nd cup of joe.

We are going to go for a long over due
bike ride. Seems like the weekends that
we have had good weather something
has been going on, and the others have
just been bad weather. =/

So I will be putting off the Saturday
chores til who knows when and
just enjoy this lazy fun day.

Someone asked me yesterday
"What are you doing for Father's
Day?" and I burst into tears..
So I am going to smile and
think of all the good times
I had with my Daddy. And be
grateful. Some kids never
get that blessing. And oh
what a blessing he was.

reflection

Finding that the longer I go without being on here
the harder it is to get back in the groove.
I just can't seem to come up with anything to really say.
I have been reflecting a lot the past few weeks.
It has been a year since we lost Punkin.
Also will be the first Father's day without my Dad.
He died 10 days after our sweet Punky.
They were such good friends. I found it fitting
that they passed on so close together.
They both lived long happy lives.
Much loved by their families.
Loyal and fierce in their protection.
Happy and exuberant in their affection.
My Daddy was my hero, and I was his
precious little girl always.
I haven't had the heart to go through any
of his stuff we boxed up and cleaned out of
his house.(I actually didn't do any of it)..
Just not ready to deal with it I guess.
that's what is going on with me..=]

still workin...

Well, I didn't get canned, yet.
The new boss told me he wasn't going to fire anyone right away,
he didn't want to be stuck doing all the work.
I think it is probably going to be just fine.
Sid brought me iced coffee at work today. =]
That is 5 out of the last 7 workdays that he
has thoughtfully treated me.
I forgot how much I missed being spoiled by him.
He used to tell me what he lived to do was see me smile.
So he naturally went out of his way for that to happen.
Simple things like calling me several times a day just to say
" hi gorgeous, I love you!"
I don't think he has called me gorgeous since the stroke.
That would have to be one of the thingsI miss the most,
the 45 second phone calls throughout
the day just to tell me he was thinking of me.
I just continue to ask for complete healing
and praise God for the constant grace.
We are so very blessed.

what next?

I am feeling so blessed and so anxious all at the same time. My boss got fired last week.
This came totally out of left field. I guess if I paid more attention to the politics of work
I would have been more in the know.
I am to be getting a new boss tomorrow.
The rumor is that he is going to fire everyone
and hire his own crew. So, needless to say I am scared.
I know that God is going to take care of us.
I just want it to be easy. I don't want to have to change.
I think I have been through enough already.
As I say this, I see the selfish horrid creature that I am.
I so want to be the woman full of faith and assurance.
I have enormous bags full of evidence to this,
yet here I am again...playing the what if game.
I have absolutely no reason to think I am going to lose my job,
but I am already planning what to do when we lose our home..
This is the kind of stuff that goes on in my head.
I hate that about me. I used to be able to talk to Sid about this stuff,
and he would always steer me right. I miss him so.
And he is RIGHT HERE!!

I don't know how people do life without God.
Especially when it is hard.
I was telling someone the other day that years ago
when Sid had lymphoma and was told he needed
to get his affairs in order, I was always waiting and afraid
of the cancer coming back and taking him.
I never worried that a stroke would strike
(if I wasn't so mired in self pity right now, that would be funny)
oh heck it is funny.(I know it's twisted)
we were struck with a stroke...
That's how this bloggy thing seems to work..
I get brought around to see that I need to
put my eyes on Jesus. To trust in Him.
Paul didn't whine about his circumstances.
He used each one as an opportunity to glorify
God. Why can't I do that? Something to shoot for
I would say. At least I am not stuck in that
horrible stink of self-pity anymore.
Thankful for that..=]

comin out of the funk??

Ok, here's the deal.
I am so very embarrassed to admit,
but I haven't felt that
I had anything worth sharing,
so I haven't even tried.
I have noticed that when I hunker in,
no matter what I think I have to say
something comes out.
I also believe that God uses that;
Sometimes it is for the insight I come to as I write,
sometimes it is from the comments
that are left as a result.
So, I am going to try and do better
at sharing my oh so ordinary life with you.
And in the process learn and grow.

feelin funky

Haven't been able to write anything lately..I've been working long days, and just haven't had anything left in me. By the time I get home and do the few chores I have, it's basically time to
go to bed. I had so much overtime, they made me leave work early one day last week. Sid and I took the opportunity to go on a little road trip. We drove down to Kennewick and spent
the afternoon at the Columbia center mall. they have stores we don't have here. like JC Penney and Victoria's Secret. It was a nice day. I have been playing catch up since. Sid hasn't felt well, and has pretty much just been laying around again. Although he did bring me an iced coffee today on his way to speech therapy. =]...Maybe I should try this in the mornings when I seem to think a little better..I think? =/ just in a funk..grateful to know that this too shall pass. Grateful to know I don't have to let my "feelings" determine how I am going to act or what I am going to do. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Now that's a pretty big deal!