lazy day

What a week. I was supposed to work today as well,
but when I asked my boss what time he wanted me
to come in, he said "just take the day off"..I almost started
crying I was so relieved. He appreciated all the extra hours
and effort I have been putting in, and thought I deserved
a whole weekend off. I really like this new boss of mine.
I took 2 naps today. I did get up at my usual 4 am
so it isn't too horrible that I took a morning
and an afternoon nap. Sid handled dinner (taco bell). and here
I am. I did change the bed and do some laundry, but other than that
it was veg out completely. Saw something today that makes me
sick to my stomach. And not sure if I can post about it or not.
I am going to keep praying about it, and maybe I will post on it
later on. I just don't want to do anything that may embarrass
someone else, even if it has a HUGE impact on me and how
I am feeling right now. suffice it to say I am angry, hurt,
confused, and asking the question why why why?
so one more crazy 12 hour a day workweek ahead, and
I will be working next Saturday and Sunday, but after
that I will be on my new schedule 7-4. YAY that will
make my life a whole lot less hectic. I am going to go
finish my oh so lazy day with a movie and some ice cream.

perception

Just finished reading a blogger I really enjoy. Who makes me
see life in such a wonderful way. I so appreciate her
honesty in the everyday stuff. Made me realize
just how much I still compare myself to others, and still come
up lacking. I hate that about me. I was thinking as I was reading
how she missed her size 2's, that I miss my size 8's. I am totally
thrilled to be a size 8.(been in double digits for a while now) =/
I also remember 20 some years ago that
a size 8 was HUGE- GINORMOUS. How that perception has
changed so much in 20 years. I have talked with many young girls
who are constantly battling and feeling lousy about themselves
and I think back on all the time I spent doing the very same
thing. Time I can't get back, EVER. I look back at pictures
taken when I was in my twenties and a solid size 5 that I
worked nonstop to keep up, because I thought I was still
too fat, and say to myself "DANG< I was not too shabby."
What changes between 25 and 45? I don't know.
I know that I will have a lifelong struggle with weight
and some chapters of my life it is a bit easier to battle
than others. I just want to be OK with who I AM.
more so than How I am, if that makes any sense.
I spent so much of my life focused on the outside
stuff, I never even looked at the really ugly inside
stuff. It creeps up oh so frequently. blech

good day...

It was a good day.
Got a bit of peace and just a sense
of whatever happens happens.
Don't know how long that will last.
Well, actually I do. Til the stupid tests
are done and results are back. =].
I am so thankful for the people in my
life that remind me of the truth. That
hold me up and encourage me.
My sweet man brought me an iced
coffee to my work today, AND he
handled dinner for us as well..yummy
I really cherish these sweet times.
now it is off to bed, after I check on the
farm that is...

don't feel like it

we got the results from Sid's blood work. He is anemic, and
has to do some more tests for that. And his platelet count is
way off so we have to go to a hematologist and look into that
further. I am just afraid right now. I was blessed with a crazy
hectic chaotic day at work that left me no time to think, and
now I am home and trying not to think. I hate that I go to the
"what if's" instead of just going with the flow. It is probably
nothing to worry about and I will have wasted all this time
worrying and fretting over a situation I have absolutely no
control over anyway. One of the long term effects of his cancer
treatments that he underwent years ago, was the likelihood of
developing a type of leukemia. So, I of course, am terrified.
I hate that, I told someone today that we don't live in fear,
yet I am afraid. I am doing my darndest to not allow the fear
to take over. Sid of course is just so mellow. He says to me
nothing you can do about it. all matter of fact like. I just don't
really feel like talking about it, but did anyway. I wonder how
people do life without God. I am a mess with Him, yet still
have the peace and hope that comes with knowing He is in
control. He knows exactly what He is doing. I just need to
trust that.

minor setback

Well, I went to the dentist today to see how my invisalign treatment was going.
I started in October, and the expected length of treatment was 10 months.
Well, I have 4 teeth that aren't "tracking" right , and we have to start over.
Not totally over, obviously. I am so happy to say my teeth have straightened
up quite a bit. I received a lot of compliments on them over the week-end
from family and friends that we haven't seen in a while. Anyway, I had new
molds taken and will have to wait 2-3 weeks for the new aligners to come.
In the meantime I will have to stay on #17 for a while longer.
I remember as a child on school picture day my mom telling me
to be sure to not show my teeth when I smiled. I always thought I
was sooo ugly. I was sure that if I just had straight teeth that maybe,
just maybe, I may be a little bit pretty.
After nearly 40 years of thinking my mom thought I was just
a hideous looking child, come to find out she was just embarrassed for
not being able to afford to fix my teeth. It is amazing what we pass on
without even thinking about it. I am just really excited that I will finally
see what I will look like with teeth that aren't all overlapped and twisted.
I am also glad that my Mom and I got the opportunity to work through
that lifelong misunderstanding. So much of my life I thought one thing was
true only to find I was mistaken. It is all perception, and God has given me
the chance to look at things from a different perspective.

Goodbye

My sister in law's funeral was today.
It was a nice service and all. Her husband
will miss her so. They would have
celebrated 34 years of marriage tomorrow.
I sat there and reflected on so much.
I, being the self-centered wretch that
I am, thought of how I would be feeling
if I was the one left behind. I have always
told Sid that I hoped to go before him.
I knew he would be alright without me,
but I would never be OK without him.
I then thought of how I have been learning
to be OK without the him I knew since his
stroke. I in a sense lost my husband that day
even though he is here still. I just have a totally
different guy than I started with. Don't , please,
don't think I am complaining about my circumstances.
I am truly just telling it like it is. and no I don't much
care for it most days. But, it is the path the Lord has
put before me. When I think of how "hard" I have it,
I think of countless others in this world who have it
so much tougher than I do. I have a friend who tells
me that maybe I am being prepared for something
through this. I am sure God has a plan and I just hope
that I cooperate and trust Him in it.

is it bedtime yet?

Can't remember the last time I felt this tired.
I am all over tired. Mind body and spirit. I
caught myself ready to cry today over nothing.
I mean absolutely nothing. I cannot stand myself
some days. yet I wonder why others find me
annoying...lol I know pretty funny, huh?
My sister in law's funeral is tomorrow, so
we have family coming to town for that.
Seems just so wrong that we never seem to
see some of our loved ones (we really do
love them) unless it is a funeral. I will miss
my dear sister in law.

We have shared so much of our lives together.
It seems fitting that she passed on Mom's birthday,
who would have turned 80 this year. So much to
reflect on. And be grateful for the happy times.

finally

in the first pic is my buds Robyn & Cindy & I
the next shows the campsite entrance.

our tan selves...=]

Ok this is the 4th time I have tried to post this blog with the photos.

I so stink at some of this stuff. I should be in bed, oh so tired. I am

aware it is not yet 9 pm. I had planned to be in bed early. I just

wanted to put these on here. I don't know how to move them around once I

get them uploaded. So this will just have to do.

We had such a great time on our annual outing.

We used to do the actual camping in a tent in the

dirt and all that good stuff. I do miss the smores...

But, this is definitely the way to go camping. =]

We just enjoyed and came home tan, with a few

shopping bags thrown in.

slackin

Well I have been back from my "camping" trip for over a week and still no pics or details.
Well here's the deal. I worked over 73 hours last week. add into that minimal chores around
the house, and Sid's sister passing away, I have good reason for my lack of follow thru.
After working all those hours, come to find out the computer system didn't recognize
the bulk of changes, so we will have to do it all over. So for the next few weeks, I will
be working 10-12 hour days. Which I realize other people do all the time and manage
a home and children and everything else. I will too, just not as well as I would like.
I really wanted to be faithful to this blog. I will have to find out how that is going to happen.
so tata for now.

not sunday =/

I know I said I would see ya sunday,
but I got home late and just didn't
have time to get on here.(still don't)..=[
It is the week before inventory, so I got to
work hours today, and probably will be doing
that all week, so the pics and details of my
camping trip will have to wait. suffice to say
I have great friends!! We had a blast!!
more to come later...

goin "campin"

Got my swimsuit, and my toothbrush.
That should do it. Oh maybe better take
some jammies, that should be good.
No work and All play is on the itinerary.
See ya Sunday. =]

HOT tired...is it friday?

So looking forward to the weekend.
It is the annual girls camp out.
I and two of my best buds go every year
for the last 8 years or so. We used to go
in a tent and rough it. The last 3 years
we have camped via Red Lion....
We just hang out at the pool
and catch up and eat junk and laugh
and do cannonballs and act like 15 year
old girls, instead of the near 50 year
olds that we are..
The last couple months have been
draining and I could use a break.
I of course always feel a bit guilty
and selfish for needing it.
I also worry about my Sidney.
He still isn't quite right. If he
felt up to riding his motorcycle
I wouldn't be so concerned, but
he will normally ride no matter what.
Soooo, I don't know.

nothin to say

Well, I have made a commitment to do better at this
blog thing, and once again am at a loss for something
to say. I am grateful for being OK with my oh so
ordinary life. There was a time when I would have
called it boring. If it wasn't at one end of the spectrum
or the other I didn't seem to want any part of it. I
never really considered it a flaw, just how I was.
I am no longer like that. There is something nice
and comfortable with ordinary, nothing special.
Which is oh so special. See, like I said nothing..=]

"Happy Birthday"

These are the words my sweet husband said to me
this morning. We had been up for a few minutes
and he said "Oh Yeah,,umm Happy Birthday!!".
And I said Thanks honey I love you!!
You see it is our anniversary.
23 years ago we got married.
After living together for 3 1/2 years
we decided to get it right.
Neither one of us thought it was ok
to live together without being married
yet we did it anyway. Great example
we set for the kids, huh?
we didn't have a wedding.
never had an engagement ring
barely afforded a plain band.
We got married next to the
Naches river with our kids,
and then we went to Nile valley days,
and I then went to my bartending job.
And though nearly everyone
said it wouldn't last, here we are.
Not because of us, in spite of us.(mostly me)
And from the very beginning, we
both believed in our very cores
that God had given us each other
as gifts to the other.
I always used to tell Sid I got
the shiny new bike and he got
the scratchy sweater.
both gifts, yet not necessarily
the same on the coolness level.
I haven't said that or even really
thought it in a long time. I still think
I got the better gift, but I realize now
that God knew what we both needed.
And he knew I needed that shiny bike
and that Sid needed that scratchy
sweater, He always knows best.
So we went to Nile valley days,
and came home, and took a nap.
pretty simple and oh so nice.

here again

Oh my goodness...
I can't believe it is the middle of July
and this is my first post of the month.
Here's the dealio...I haven't been very
good company the last few weeks. I
have all kinds of reasons(excuses).
Sid fell and then he was just out of sorts
for about a week, I had decided to take
him in to get checked out, and he said
he was fine and refused to go. Well,
I let it go. And I watched him/
do nothing ...absolutely nothing.
He is in bed when I go to work,
and in recliner when I get home.
no sign of activity other than
the dirty dishes in the sink.
for 2 more weeks...where I
felt my ugly self rise to
the surface and the battle was on.
It has been raging pretty much non
stop until yesterday I guess.
I so hate myself when the selfishness
takes over. I had a realization as to
what my problem was. It was a
plain old fashioned hissy fit. And
I had to repent for it. I realized my
discouragement and disappointment
had been left to fester and boy did it
leave an ugly ugly spot..I have been
praying for COMPLETE healing
for Sid. I have been asking God to give
me back the man I love and miss.
And he hasn't done that. I am MAD
and I don't understand why I can't have
what I want!!! I just miss him so much!!
He is right here, yet not. It is so hard
to explain. Just a simple conversation
there is no such thing.


so I of course get stuck in the mire of
self-pity teamed with the self-loathing
that goes with it..the theme here is SELF.
I hope to be coming out of this oh so
familiar place. I have been here way too
long this time.
I did take Sid in to get checked out.
They decided to adjust his meds
and found his blood pressure was sky high
and increased that medication and he
also had irregular heartbeat, so another
test. back again in 2 weeks. I am now
montoring his blood pressure at home.
He did come to my work and bring me
coffee yesterday..first time in weeks
so I will continue to ask for complete
healing, and learn to be grateful for
what God has blessed me with.
We will be celebrating our anniversary
this Sunday.
Hope to do better at this..