weary

I am weary. Worn out. Asking God how much more?
I also am looking for the good in this whole thing, and
I am finding it. Doesn't change that it is HARD.
Way too hard for me. I am on the edge and it is
killing me. I feel as if I am going to snap.
Dr. called yesterday. Sid has over 90% blockage
in his right carotid artery. It was the left 2 years
ago that was blocked causing the stroke. So we
have to go see a cardiologist. I am thinking,
why? we know it needs fixed, let's get er done.
I am so afraid he will have another stroke
before we can get him unclogged. And I HATE
living in fear. HATE IT.
It is threatening to consume me. Between the
fear and self pity, I am blech. I make me sick.
I totally know that God has plan for us.
I totally know that he loves us.
I am having a tough time believing and trusting
anyway.
But, if he hadn't had the seizure, and if it hadn't been
so bad that I called ambulance, we wouldn't have
been getting these tests done that are giving us the
information. So I am at a point where I see I have
a choice. choose to trust no matter what, or choose
to "what if" the situation to pieces.
In the midst of all this I come home from work to
backed up toilets and having to call a plumber.
grrrr. He comes and couple hundred bucks later
fixed. Oh....wait....til the washing machine starts to
drain, and shoots water all over my laundry room.
That is the point where I lost it. BAD.
They are coming back today, hopefully to
really fix it. so off to work. Thankful in spite
of myself...