sigh....

Went to neurologist today. He was pretty positive.
No new damage in brain. Just want to prevent any more seizures.
So, increase in anti-seizure meds and if no problems go back in 6 months.
Sid isn't allowed to drive his car at all for next 6 month
to be reevaluated if he has no more seizures.
Dr. doesn't want him on motorcycle at all,
regardless of lack of seizures.
Needless to say, my sweetheart is not a happy camper.
I am OK with it. It just means I will need
to get more organized and do a little bit more.
But, with help it will be OK.
called the other Doctor,
asked why the wait on the carotid blockage.
I expressed my concern of another stroke.
Dr. wants cardiologist to see if they can't just do
a stint instead of the other invasive surgery
that Sid got the last time.
I was like, oh..... so we wait.
wait on the Lord.
I am so grateful that my friends fear
and self pity went to visit someone else.
Thankful for everyone that is praying for us.
I am hopeful we will spend our Christmas as we planned.
I know that we looked to the Lord in that decision,
so I have to trust that He has it all figured out.
And he doesn't need my help in it, just needs me to trust.

new day

Well, yesterday was a better day. I thought about Paul.
How he got put in jail and didn't complain or say how
unfair it was. He didn't get mad and throw fits. He used
the opportunity to share God's love and mercy. I decided
I needed to try that. I had a better day as a result of it, too.
Between my 2 good friends fear and self-pity, I was in serious
danger of being consumed by it. So thankful that I have the
people in my life that consistently tell me the truth in love.
that pray for me. That hold me up and encourage me.
I realize that God has a plan and He doesn't need my approval.
I don't like my circumstances right now, but I truly do believe
that I need to trust in what I know to be true. The evidence in
our lives gives me no reason not to trust, yet I find myself
there way too often.
We don't see a cardiologist for 2 weeks
I am thinking, Why so long? what if he has another stroke before?
we know what needs done, why can't we do it NOW. Then, I
had to remind myself, God is in charge. He knows exactly what
is needed. I don't need to jump in and take over. It is so hard
sometimes to know what to do or not to do. So we are praying
for wisdom. That I will make the right choices, that I will trust
and be obedient. That I will honor my Lord in this trial.

weary

I am weary. Worn out. Asking God how much more?
I also am looking for the good in this whole thing, and
I am finding it. Doesn't change that it is HARD.
Way too hard for me. I am on the edge and it is
killing me. I feel as if I am going to snap.
Dr. called yesterday. Sid has over 90% blockage
in his right carotid artery. It was the left 2 years
ago that was blocked causing the stroke. So we
have to go see a cardiologist. I am thinking,
why? we know it needs fixed, let's get er done.
I am so afraid he will have another stroke
before we can get him unclogged. And I HATE
living in fear. HATE IT.
It is threatening to consume me. Between the
fear and self pity, I am blech. I make me sick.
I totally know that God has plan for us.
I totally know that he loves us.
I am having a tough time believing and trusting
anyway.
But, if he hadn't had the seizure, and if it hadn't been
so bad that I called ambulance, we wouldn't have
been getting these tests done that are giving us the
information. So I am at a point where I see I have
a choice. choose to trust no matter what, or choose
to "what if" the situation to pieces.
In the midst of all this I come home from work to
backed up toilets and having to call a plumber.
grrrr. He comes and couple hundred bucks later
fixed. Oh....wait....til the washing machine starts to
drain, and shoots water all over my laundry room.
That is the point where I lost it. BAD.
They are coming back today, hopefully to
really fix it. so off to work. Thankful in spite
of myself...

Maybe it's October?

Well, today is the 2 year anniversary of the stroke.
2 years ago our lives were forever changed. I "lost"
the man I married and got a "new" man. I had spent
a good part of the last week reflecting on the changes
that have come as a result of that day.
learning how to do the things that he always did, like
put gas in my own car, and new wiper blades, and
grocery shop, dishes, empty and reset mouse traps,
kill the spider, bug, bee, whatever creepycrawlyickythingy.
and oh so much more.
watching him struggle to find the word he wants
and only managing the f word. that one he has down.
wasn't one of his words before the stroke. =/
learning how to be patient. looking at others and realizing
we don't have a clue what someone else's life is really like.
hoping he doesn't offend someone that doesn't know he isn't
a jerk, that he just forgot it isn't OK to cut in line at the store.
realizing today that odds are good he isn't going to be able
to ride a motorcycle again, maybe not ever drive a car again.
Yesterday at 3 ish, I looked over at my sweet man
and in horror saw him having a seizure. It was the
scariest thing I have ever seen. So, you guessed it.
we spent last night and part of today in the hospital.
last October he had a seizure. At that time he was put
on 6 month restriction from driving, to be reviewed after.
Well, he stayed seizure free so was allowed full driving
rights again. We were told that if he had any more seizures,
though, he would most likely be restricted from driving again.
My heart aches for him. He has always been happiest when
he is riding his bike. A nice drive is something he really enjoys,too.
I know he feels better when he gets out and does stuff .
He had just got home from going to the store for me.
It was his first time driving since the motorcycle accident.
He hadn't been home more than 30 minutes, I am so grateful
he wasn't driving when it happened.
hard stuff, yet I am so grateful to see the blessings.
I am oh so aware that in a couple days I may have a
hard time seeing any good in my life, but , today I can see it.

more good news

Well, my sweet man went for his next infusion treatment today.
I had my SIL taking him to drop him off and then I had arranged
to take afternoon off work to go be with him for the last of it, and
to go over next phase of treatment. Well, first thing they did when
he got there was draw blood. After testing it, they saw a major
improvement in his iron levels from the last time. So, no infusion
necessary at this time. He is to continue his iron supplements at home
and recheck in 6 weeks. YAY!!!! Still have more testing for the platelets
and to see where he may be losing blood. But that will be drawn out
over the next few months. The motorcycle wreck put things off a bit.
I was a bit anxious about this treatment, since he ended up in the hospital
the last time he had one. Not caused by the infusion, but still made me
feel nervous. I am constantly wondering what more I could be doing
to help him get better. I am looking forward to church tonight.
Always get good stuff there...

reflecting

As the 2 year anniversary of Sid's stroke approaches, I find myself in reflection.
Thoughts of how much our lives changed in that instant.
How we went to bed one night with plans for the next day, week,
month, years, and that all changed in a heartbeat. I find myself
full of gratitude for what we have and the blessings we have
received and also full of thoughts of what ifs. How would our
lives be if the stroke had never happened. would we still be
happy? in love? grateful for the simple things that are so often
taken for granted? Honestly the one thing I can't seem to let go
of the anger and sadness and that overwhelming sense of loss
is missing a plain old regular normal conversation. My man was the
talker in the family, and I just plain miss him. I literally got a new
husband that day. Don't misunderstand, I love him, just miss the
man I married. So I will be in this reflective way for the next few
days, and hope to focus on the gains and not the losses. For in
our loss we had enormous gain. For that I am grateful.

pie for dinner

Yep, big piece of pumpkin pie with cool whip.
YUMMY!!! I think that the pie is actually good
and nutritious. it is like squash, right? which is
a vegetable, right? cool.
I knew I was eating healthier. kinda proud...
I am truly enjoying the life I have right now.
I am also very grateful. I am tuned to joyful.
My sweet man is snoozing, and I plan on
snoozing right with him here shortly.
sigh, feeling pretty content. I am glad for it.

great weekend

Wow! what a great week-end. What made it special?
My attitude. I got some great encouragement at my
ladies bible study on Thursday, and I took it to heart.
I was encouraged to stop trying to do it ALL. to give
it up. to rely on the Lord. I spent some time pondering
what does that mean? I have been walking with the Lord
about 4 years now, (well sorta). And right after the stroke
when it was all so very hard, I had no choice but to totally
rely on Him.
I don't know why I decided I could take over again. I have
experience galore on how I don't manage things too well
on my own. Yet I have been doing just that for the last several
months. No wonder I feel sorry for myself and am so very
weary. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I thought I was
just "living" my life, and taking care of my family and my
responsibilities.
I wasn't willing to ask for help. I don't know why. I have several
people that are willing to help me out any way they can.
I guess I am embarrassed because I need help. I always
compare myself to others and come up lacking.
I know single moms that work outside the home that seem
to manage everything just fine and don't know why I am
so frazzled.
So, I did it. I relaxed this week-end. I did a small bit of
grocery shopping on Saturday, and all the laundry.
flannel sheets are on the beds and freshly laundered fluffy
comforters. I fixed a meal in the crock pot. enough to last
for a few days. I enjoyed my life, the way it is right now.
I looked at the good instead of focusing on the way I think it should be.
When my SIL called and said she couldn't take Sid to one of his appts
I didn't freak out and wonder how "I" was going to handle it. I
asked for help, and guess what? No one called me and said,
what is your problem? Why can't you handle it? You should
be able to do it ALL. I am the only one that expects me to be
that. I don't even believe God wants me to be that. So, you guessed
it. I had a ton of people volunteering to help.Thanks,Sarah!!
I am grateful to God for blessing us with what we need, when we need it.

good news

Well, shoulda done this last night, but was just too tired.
My sweet man had showered(finally), shaved, and put on
real clothes...he also did the dishes. I love him oh so much.
my 2 least favorite chores he has always done, grocery
shopping and dishes. with a dishwasher, I don't mind them
as much as I used to. He is feeling better. I would put him at
about 40%. So, major improvement. YAY!!!
took him to doctor, and he is maintaining blood pressure,
so 2 pills less to take. YAY!!! someone told me I looked
"lighter". guess I didn't realize how much I carry and
don't realize others see that. I hope I can show that it
is God that carries our burden. I tell people all the time
that I can't do this stuff, but somehow God gives me
the grace for the day. Some days, however, I leave that
grace on my pillow and run the show myself. Guess I don't
need to say that doesn't work out too well. You would think
I would quit it, huh?
Well, that's enough outa me for now..

for your dining pleasure.

Guy I work with told me if we were all like stranded on an island and just had to eat someone they would eat me because there would be enough rump roast to last for days...I guess I may need to step away from the buffet? On a good note. I laughed and did not get offended. It felt good to not cry over it. He wasn't being mean either, just stating the obvious to him. I did tell
him that we may prefer to eat the ones that were kinda mean and not any fun to be around.
He couldn't argue with that logic..

over the hump?

Was hoping to feel better today.
didn't happen..I didn't "feel" like
doing anything. Just wanted to
stay in bed.
Critters don't allow
that kind of stuff. They want fed
on schedule. I forced myself to
shower and dress and go to
church. I prayed and told God
that I didn't feel like it, but was
doing it anyway just out of
obedience. I know I am stuck
in sin here, relying on myself
to get out of it. Never works,
yet I continue to try it.grrrr
I cried the entire service.
sniffling snotty crying. I was
able to share with a few people
that asked me that I was just
feeling sorry for myself. nothing
to worry about. I am grateful to
be able to tell the truth I guess.
I think maybe sharing it brought
some sort of realization that I was
being selfish and needing to see
that God is good all the time.
That I need to trust what I know
instead of letting my feelings run
the show. So I am at this moment
anyway feeling better. exhausted
and drained, but better. The man
walked outside for a few minutes
today, yippee..he has 68 days to get
healed up..I think he will make it.

Pity Pot

Here I am again. feeling sorry for myself. I hate this about me.
I am so very aware of the blessings in my life. They are so very
abundant. Yet, I can't seem to get past the feelings of loss. and
hurt and anger over it and the guilt that always accompanies
it all.I cried out to God again, Please please give me my Sid back.
It seems like he keeps slipping away from me little pieces at a time.
I hate that I get into this. but it is a part of who I am. Selfish
Self centered. BLECH...I can't seem to see past right in front of
me. The big picture is all blurry.
Things had just seemed like OK, and then the accident.
Sid is so very fortunate that his injuries are not any worse,
but he has slipped way back emotionally and in his willingness
to even try. I felt like I was beginning to get a bit of the "old"
Sid back, and then we are hit with this. I am at a point I hate.
Where my faith is just not there. Where I think I know better,
and I know that is just lies lies lies. I know that this too shall pass.
I am just a spoiled child throwing a fit, because I want what I
want. I wish Sid could communicate well enough to tell me
how it is for him.When I get so stuck in how hard it is on me,
I forget he is probably trapped somewhat inside himself.
whenever I have asked him, he just kinda shrugs and says
"whatever, nothing you can do about it"
I am grateful, even though I am having a rough time
seeing it right now. I do know that I don't have to entertain
these feelings. I have the experience of getting through them
in the past. I just don't much like it right now. Tomorrow is
another day. Who knows, maybe by this evening?

Remembering...Mom

It has been a year since we lost Sid's mom. Seems like
just a few weeks ago and with all that has happened in
this last year it seems as though much more time must
have passed. She was a funny wonderful lovely woman.
One of my favorite memories of her, and this gives you
an idea of just how wonderful she was.
Way back in the day, we were known to go out on the
occasional Saturday night. My husband and I and 2 of his sisters
and their husband/boyfriend. Anyway, one night we had all
had a bit much to drink and thought it would be nice to have
breakfast. we walked to my sweet mother-in-law's and woke
her up. She proceeded to fry bacon and sausages, and make
fried potatoes, and eggs and toast. And she did it laughing
and with such a joy. She was truly happy serving her family.
I learned so much from that wonderful lady. I miss her so.
She held her family together. She was a gift and I am grateful
to have loved her, and to know that she loved me..

getting closer

Well, the man is doing a bit better today.
longer stretches between the pain meds
and he rested most of the day. He finally
ate more than 4 bites of food. It was like
10 bites. I told him he has to be better
within 75 days. That is when we leave
for our Disneyland Christmas. That
made him smile. So I will use that
as a motivator to help him in his
recovering process. We had already
decided to rent a scooter chair for
him since he tires so easily. That
decision was justified after a day at the
fair last week-end left him hobbling
around the next day. Spent much of the
day just playing on facebook watching
him sleep. Being grateful. Grateful
for the constant outpouring of love
and support and encouragement.
Grateful for being able to hope and
believe. Grateful to know that this
is all temporary and eternity is just
around the corner. Grateful that I can
be grateful. That is truly a gift.

c'mon boring

this is the phone call I got Tuesday at work.
"Mrs. Peterson?" I say, yes.
They say "this is memorial hospital, and
Sidney has been in a motorcycle accident."
I ask "is he alright?" they say...
"he's alive." then the phone goes dead.
AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.
I grab keys and race to the hospital.
I get there to find him bruised and slightly
broken and very much alive. exhale....
the ER people are asking him questions
and he is talking like he does since the stroke,
and they tell me, they have done a scan of his
brain as there appears to be some trauma. I
tell them he is fine, he just talks like that since the
stroke. They were like, "oh, this is normal?"
I said "yep, it is for us anyway."
they don't even clean his scrapes or bandage
him up, sent him home with the IV thing still
in his arm. I took it out the next day, as I really
thought I would be taking him back, which I did.
they missed the broken collar bone, fingers, and foot
other than that, he is in pretty good shape.
2 ambulance rides in a week's time is just too
much excitement for this old girl.(aging faster
all the time)
Just looking forward to humdrum, nothing out
of the ordinary. Next day pretty much the same as
the one before, for just a while anyway. I am tired.
poor guy didn't sleep much for the first 3 days.
finally got some decent rest last night. hoping to
get some more tonight. Oh, and he wrecked on
his way to surprise me with lunch. I love this
sweet man that God gifted me with. I just want
to keep him healthy and uninjured. Oh and I still
want a complete normal conversation, too.
But, I will be content in whatever my circumstance
even if I don't like it much.