fresh perspective.

OK, I have been at my new job for 3 months now, and I am already in need of an attitude adjustment. I had one just the other night. (nights are killing me this time)
So, I am working with this guy and he is a messy pig. Not only does he make a mess, but he leaves it for me to clean up. GRRRRRRRRRR....Like I don't have to do it ALL at home, now I have to do it at work?!
I am so ashamed of my pettiness. blech..anyway..So I am trying not to be irritated, and I like the guy so I feel even more pressure to not be irritated. Well, I make an effort to talk to him. Yeah, I treated him like a person, instead of a messy jerk. Well, turns out I worked with his wife over 20 years ago. And guess what happened? I got a whole new perspective. I got to look at him as someone that may have flaws, but is still valuable.
That is one of the biggest lessons I KEEP needing to learn. After Sid had the stroke, he changed so much, which is where the change in me started. realizing that there is always more than what it appears. One of the things he does sometimes is act inappropriately. I KNOW he isn't really being a jerk, but noone else does. The guy he cut in front of at Costco, doesn't realize that he just wants to get through the checkout so he can get the icecream bar he so loves. I hate that I continually need to remember every one has something going on. That I want to mirror grace and mercy in my life. So I am grateful to have been given a fresh perspective.

night shift

Start nights Monday. My new job has lots of perks. Not sure this is one of them, but I have to look for the good in everything or I will drive myself crazy. I like so much about my job. I only work 14 days a month. I make much less per hour, but take home just a little less.(it's not what you make, but what you get to keep). Tax man is missing my contribution.=]
I love that I never work more than 3 days in a row. I get to spend more time with my sweet Sid. I think it has helped him some. I work every other weekend, so I miss church on those weekends. I don't like that at all. With nights coming up, I spend my nights off watching TV, facebook, and reading. LOVE THAT. Since Sid's stroke my reading has dropped off tremendously. I am just so tired when I finally sit down with a book, I get about 2 pages read before falling asleep. I had so much to write about the other day, and got sidetracked with other stuff. Now it is not even in my head. I need to actually write it down when I think it, then blog it when I can. I am telling you it was profound..I think. yep, pretty sure it was.

"big girl panties?"

OK, I lost a couple pounds since summer..no big deal really. It was pounds that I needed to lose. So, here's my dilemma.. I went to work yesterday, and after being there about 10 minutes I realize my panties are slipping off. Yep, waaaaaayyy too big. That in itself isn't so bad. I decided to share it with a co-worker. Told her my underwear kept slipping down. Well, it never occurred to me that she would find it so funny as to share it with others. You guessed it..within 20 minutes EVERYONE knew my underwear was falling down. I started getting pieces of tape put on my station. I have to tell you, my first reaction was horror, and then I saw the humor. I also became grateful that this crew I work with felt comfortable enough with me to give me a hard time. So I attached a piece of tape to the top of my underbritches and the bottom of my shirt and formed a type of suspender. They all nearly peed their pants laughing at me. I have no idea how it looked, but it felt good to have some camaraderie. I had spent last couple years at a job feeling like a misfit. Oh, yeah..the panties went in the trash when I got home. And, 12 hours is a really long time to work in droopy drawers..LOL

so stinkin excited

Today is my day off. I have a different job, and I now work very different schedule.One month days, one month nights. No matter what, I work 6-6. This week I worked Monday & Tuesday, and will go back Friday and work through Sunday. Next week I will only work Wednesday & Thursday. So, I only work 14 days a month. I am home more with Sid, but I miss out on some things I love so much. The pay is much less than we are used to, but God is providing(as always). I have taken tips from others and incorporated a budget and cash only system of shopping for groceries,gas, and other "stuff". I tried doing the shopping once a month only, but it appears I will always need something in between no matter how well I plan. I have now had a small amount of money left over every month so far, so today I am going to lunch with one of my dearest friends. I am on load 2 of laundry, and am just excited to be alive..I love it when I feel like this. I am grateful to be able to enjoy the simple but oh so wonderful things in life that I spent so much time taking for granted and/or complaining about. Well, I am going to go fold some towels...YAY

some days you go to bed early

I am tired. Title says it all. got up at 4, worked from 6-6. came home, fed animals, fed us, sorted clothes I will wash tomorrow night and Wednesday, showered, and a bit of facebooking. all in all a wholelottanothinspecial ordinary day. I LOVE those kinds of days. but, now I am off to bed so I can do it all over again tomorrow..

I am back

Well, my last post was the day before Sid went in for the other blocked carotid to be unclogged. The surgery went beyond bad and he ended up in ICU for a month, 8 days of which was on life support. It was awful,scary, and it did something to me. I have been unable to post here since. I can't explain it. I am not even going to attempt to explain at this point. Way too much has happened. He took a major step backwards as a result of the trauma he endured. I think I took a few steps backward as well. I haven't even read the blogs I used to follow and love to read. I have decided that I am done with that season and am going to reintroduce myself to this blogging world I grew to love and enjoy so much. more will be revealed..

getting ready

Well,Sid goes in tomorrow to have surgery on his carotid blockage. hoping he gets some energy back. Scared that it isn't going to change anything. I KNOW it is going to unplug the artery which will give that side of his brain the blood flow that it has been missing out on for last 6 months or more. Hoping and praying for miracles of complete healing. I just miss him so much. I had gotten used to the "new" Sid and since the last seizure and little stroke in october, he has just gotten progressively worse and slipped further away from me, so that I have come to a resigned acceptance that he may never get better. We enjoyed a nice dinner and had a pretty good little chat. I ask lots of questions and he answers yes or no..LOL and on some of them I get the finger..he is so funny....=]
I asked him if he was scared or nervous and he said nope. He has always been a calm stable rock. Still is...LOVE LOVE LOVE him soo...

over the hump?

I came to a realization yesterday. I have been doing some sort of inner thing where I guess I have been thinking that if I really believe enough and try hard enough and be good enough and blah blah blah, that somehow God is going to reward me and make Sid all better. I realized that the last 6 months or so that my attitude has been one of defeat and feeling beat down and just consuming weariness. I realized that I have been placing way too much emphasis on how sid is or isn't than truly appreciating the tremendous blessing of still having him and still being able to hope. I guess I had placed so much hope and belief that God was going to heal Sid completely. and when that didn't happen, I thought to myself, I just need to do more to show God how much I really want this and how much I deserve it.(I know I was wrong). Realized that I had for so long placed Sid in the place of God. that God wanted my whole heart, not just the leftover. that He wants me to trust him completely. that I may not like the circumstances. I am sure Paul wasn't too thrilled with being imprisoned, but used the opportunity to glorify God. I haven't been doing any of that. I have been too busy throwing pity parties and tantrums to see that I have a tremendous opportunity to give God glory. I lost my way in the midst of life. I (for now anyway) accept that Sid is not going to get any better, that God is in charge of that. I don't get to try to bargain even if it is subconsciously. I got some peace and joy going on right now and I am grateful.I am still going to hope and pray to get my sweet man back, but for now I have a different attitude about it.

winter blahs...

been over a month since I blogged. I have had plenty to talk about, too.
so much has been happening. Our son moved back home. He and his new bride
are divorcing..so sad about that. lots of family drama and ugliness, which I don't engage in. Sid has continued to do worse. He doesn't "feel" like doing anything at all. He pretty much lays in his recliner all day and watches TV. I fear him slipping further away.
just the day to day life of work,chores,activities, and such. I had another birthday. It is the first birthday that I have not received a card from my sweet man. It was a bit melancholy. I had so many years of complete spoiling on my special day, that this year was a bit tough. I did spend a bit of time feeling sorry for myself, but it didn't last as long. I believe the Lord has done a work in my heart to relieve me of a small bit of my selfishness and selfcenteredness. still plenty left..but enough has been rooted out to make me different.
we finally got some answers from doctors. after weeks of calling them and getting basically nothing, it turns out that Sid needed to be seeing the surgeon and getting the surgery scheduled.(should have been done before we went on vacation) I think he got lost in the shuffle somehow. So he goes next week to get unclogged. For some reason, I just couldn't let it rest when they said they wanted him to wait 6 months and just monitor him. I kept asking them to make me understand why we were waiting for the inevitable..without the surgery, a stroke was certain. He runs some risk with the surgery, too. Thankful we know God is in control. I could not imagine how hard this would be without Him..glad I don't have to do it alone.
Lots more has happened in the last month, but I think I will save it for another day..

BLAH

home from vacation for 2 weeks now, and still trying to catch up. We had such a great time. It was amazingly beautiful. Sid tired easily as we expected. I was surprised how easily he tired even with the scooter-chair. Most days he went back to the hotel around 3 and didn't have the energy to come back. I made sure he was ok, and went back by myself. It was weird. I don't really know how I feel about that whole part of it. I know God gave me the grace and the patience to think of Sid before myself for 98% of the time. That is truly a miracle. He came back to the park on Christmas Eve to enjoy the fireworks and castle lighting event. I was just so grateful we got to go. I wish I was better at expressing myself and more disciplined at this blog. I had so many experiences and feelings and STUFF, going on. We got to spend 2 full days with our Granddaughter. That is another great blessing. She is turning into a very nice young lady. We came home to a new dog. His name is MoJo, and he is a papillon. So very cute and loving. He is going to be a Momma's boy.(YAY) I love him tons already. I am ready for winter to be done. I loathe winter.unless it is somewhere warm and dry..then it is fine..
I actually wore flip flops to meet friends for coffee the other night? and I was thinking to myself, "this is really dumb. what if you have car trouble, and have to walk or something?) Yep, you guessed it...HAHAHA.I got stuck and had to get some help.(blinking battery on cellular)grrr..
anyway no major damage, but painful enough that I will wear shoes no matter what from now on.
I had a sweet "friend?" tell me that members of our family were saying that I am mean to Sid and have been cheating on him for a long time. I was devastated that anyone could say something so ugly and mean. I also wondered what kind of friend tells someone this stuff. I was like, ummm ok? WOOOOWWW... does anyone even know me? I am still sick every time I think about it. no wonder I went out in flip flops, huh? anyway this is just a bit of what has been rolling around in my head the last few days...I am so glad that this is all temporary.

see ya

Well, we leave in 7 1/2 hours to catch our flight. I will not be on until we return. Hope to have a great time in california. Talked with our granddaughter, Zen. She lives in Chino Hills. We will be taking her to Disneyland with us on Saturday and Sunday. What a great gift. So I am off to bed to lay awake too excited to sleep. but I will at least close my eyes and rest. Oh, we did get the pedicures today. They were fabulous. Sorry, too late for pics.Merry Christmas!!

vacation has begun..

I am officially on vacation. A well earned (in my opinion) reprieve. I am looking forward to no phones to answer and no computer and just relaxing and having fun. I hope I can relax. It has never been one of my strong points. It is definitely part of the plan. I also plan on riding every single ride at Disneyland and California adventure. I don't know when we may ever make it back. I will have a better idea after we are there a few days. I just know Sid doesn't have the energy to do a whole lot for very long. So I just pray for grace to accept him exactly the way he is and to not be upset because he isn't how he used to be. I have had a few days of really missing my "old" man. I am on the final draft of my "to-do" list. we are getting pedicures tomorrow. maybe I will post pics of that. =]

snow days

Awakened to about 5 inches of the white stuff. I got my boots and shovel and cleared the walk and the driveway,with just minor grumbling.Then off to work. made it safe and sound. The roads were a mess. There is just something about the first heavy snow of the season that brings out all kinds of messy problems. I wasn't too thrilled about shoveling(never am), but I take a sick sense of pride in doing it. All I really want is for Sid to think he has the coolest wife EVER! I don't think that is too much to ask.

whole lotta nothin special

Saturday and I have done very little productive. met with friends for coffee early this morning. It was nice to see them. Then it was back home and I managed to prod Sid out of his chair and get him out of the house. We went and had breakfast and then a walk through the Harley shop. We like to mosey thru and "try on" the bikes. There were a couple that I think may be good possibles if the man gets well enough to ride again. I sure hope so.
We then went and got his hair cut. I think it is funny that he didn't want me to do it because I have been working so hard. (pretty thoughtful, huh?) I still feel kinda icky, but not too bad. I am trying to not get too ahead of myself. I could have packed our suitcases today, but I contained myself. I will wait until Thursday to pack.So for the most part a pretty lazy day. got the animals food so they won't run out while we are gone. laundry, of course, bills paid, and going over the third draft of the "to do" list.I am on schedule, and need to just relax and stay healthy.

sniffly snuffly...

sick. I never ever ever get sick...grrrr... but I am sure that it won't last long. I am going to take some medicine and go to bed early. I should be up to par with in a few days. Thank goodness it is close to the weekend. I can just do some of my prior to leaving to-do's and take it fairly easy. I did take the Thursday off before we leave to get the packing and last minute stuff done, so it will be OK. looking forward to some time away from the cold and work..only 8 days til take-off..=]