see ya

Well, we leave in 7 1/2 hours to catch our flight. I will not be on until we return. Hope to have a great time in california. Talked with our granddaughter, Zen. She lives in Chino Hills. We will be taking her to Disneyland with us on Saturday and Sunday. What a great gift. So I am off to bed to lay awake too excited to sleep. but I will at least close my eyes and rest. Oh, we did get the pedicures today. They were fabulous. Sorry, too late for pics.Merry Christmas!!

vacation has begun..

I am officially on vacation. A well earned (in my opinion) reprieve. I am looking forward to no phones to answer and no computer and just relaxing and having fun. I hope I can relax. It has never been one of my strong points. It is definitely part of the plan. I also plan on riding every single ride at Disneyland and California adventure. I don't know when we may ever make it back. I will have a better idea after we are there a few days. I just know Sid doesn't have the energy to do a whole lot for very long. So I just pray for grace to accept him exactly the way he is and to not be upset because he isn't how he used to be. I have had a few days of really missing my "old" man. I am on the final draft of my "to-do" list. we are getting pedicures tomorrow. maybe I will post pics of that. =]

snow days

Awakened to about 5 inches of the white stuff. I got my boots and shovel and cleared the walk and the driveway,with just minor grumbling.Then off to work. made it safe and sound. The roads were a mess. There is just something about the first heavy snow of the season that brings out all kinds of messy problems. I wasn't too thrilled about shoveling(never am), but I take a sick sense of pride in doing it. All I really want is for Sid to think he has the coolest wife EVER! I don't think that is too much to ask.

whole lotta nothin special

Saturday and I have done very little productive. met with friends for coffee early this morning. It was nice to see them. Then it was back home and I managed to prod Sid out of his chair and get him out of the house. We went and had breakfast and then a walk through the Harley shop. We like to mosey thru and "try on" the bikes. There were a couple that I think may be good possibles if the man gets well enough to ride again. I sure hope so.
We then went and got his hair cut. I think it is funny that he didn't want me to do it because I have been working so hard. (pretty thoughtful, huh?) I still feel kinda icky, but not too bad. I am trying to not get too ahead of myself. I could have packed our suitcases today, but I contained myself. I will wait until Thursday to pack.So for the most part a pretty lazy day. got the animals food so they won't run out while we are gone. laundry, of course, bills paid, and going over the third draft of the "to do" list.I am on schedule, and need to just relax and stay healthy.

sniffly snuffly...

sick. I never ever ever get sick...grrrr... but I am sure that it won't last long. I am going to take some medicine and go to bed early. I should be up to par with in a few days. Thank goodness it is close to the weekend. I can just do some of my prior to leaving to-do's and take it fairly easy. I did take the Thursday off before we leave to get the packing and last minute stuff done, so it will be OK. looking forward to some time away from the cold and work..only 8 days til take-off..=]

gettin a new pup

We are getting a new addition to our family. I have a dear friend in Nebraska that got left with her son's dog and needed to find a home for him.She thought of Sid and I for some strange reason. Hmmmm. Maybe because our critters are so stinkin spoiled? I love them so much. I actually have my dogs paw prints tattooed (not sure how you spell that one) on my back. KanDee hasn't got done yet..probably after the first of the year. (don't tell my friend Susie). Any way his name is Mojo. Middle name is yet to be determined. He is a papillon and about a year old. He will be here when we get back from Disneyland. What a great surprise, huh? I feel such gratitude. Of all the people she knows, she picked us to bless with this furry little creature. Hope he fits into our little family. I am sure it will be just fine.I will post pics as soon as I get some. So I am off to finish the laundry and to bed early? we can hope, huh?

the hat

You can see why this makes winter more fun!!
Makes me smokin hot doncha think?

CMON SPRING!!

I do not like winter. In fact, I hate it!! I hate using the hate word, but there is no other word that does it unless it may be despise..seriously tho. It isn't even really winter yet, and I am already done with it. I have had enough. Thank you very much. I am looking forward to a bit warmer weather while we are in Cali. shouldn't be too hard to beat freezing. So I am off to my warm flannel sheets. that is one thing I like about winter, that and my funny hat. pink plaid fur lined. HOT!!

make it quick

OK, so here's the deal. It is my first post of the month, and I have way too much going on to focus on any one particular thing. I am pleased to have 98% of the Christmas cards ready to mail. I had to have that done before we leave for our trip. I don't like sending them out too early, though. I checked out our hotel online. Oh my goodness. It is FABULOUS. We have a view of Disneyland from our window. I think we have a balcony, too. I will definitely post pics if I can. I am sure to some people it is just a hotel room, but to us it is nicer than we normally get. Had our ornament exchange at church. I love so many of those women. So much I have learned from their example and counsel. I am just so overwhelmed with the awareness of God's abundance in our lives. I had the opportunity to share some of our experience with a young woman just this week. She had been worrying about how they were going to pay the rent, and I shared with her how I understood how hard it was to trust when the reality was staring you in the face. I shared with her how we were blessed over and over and over and are still being blessed and she tells me today that when she got home from work yesterday there was a care package on her porch that included cash to cover the rent. I told her I KNEW God would provide for them. What a gift. I KNOW things today.how cool is that?

almost vacation

What a great day! went to work only to get off at noon, and got home just in time to sign for the ups package containing our vacation package..SOO SOOO EXCITED.
Sid is funny. I ask him are you excited? and he says "it'll be OK." I asked him
if I was tan enough and his answer was "I don't care!" you can see why I love him so. After all these years he still makes me laugh. So the list making has become serious. So gotta go and work on some of that list stuff...=]

results

Went to see doctor today to get results of test Sid had last week. He doesn't think Sid is a good candidate for the stint procedure,because he is in fair health, his heart is in good shape, and he doesn't seem to be high risk for surgical procedure. So, this Dr. will meet with the surgeon in 2 weeks to go over Sid's tests and what-not and the surgeon will make the final call. If he thinks Sid is too high risk for it then the stint doc will do that, otherwise it looks as if he will be having a surgery after the first of the year.I reminded Dr. that we were leaving for Disneyland in 3 weeks, and wanted to be sure it was not in any way detrimental to Sid.I told him we don't let fear rule our decisions, but I also wanted to be smart as well. He told us "GO! Have fun! get him on any and all rides. upside down whatever." He told us the odds were very low of Sid having anything happening before they get him fixed up. So that was good news. I had really hoped that they would get him fixed up before the trip, but God knows best. So glad we trust Him. I am looking forward to spending that time with just him and being able to enjoy each other without the daily distractions that seem to take up so much of my time and attention. just feeling tired and content all at the same time..

Thanks Listing...

I couldn't name just one, so I said I would do a list of people I am thankful for and why. So, here goes. And there is no doubt I will leave someone out, because face it, I am a bit older, and a bit scattered in my brain these days.not in any particular order, either. just kind of as it came to me.
1. my mom for choosing to keep the constant reminder of a bad choice.
2.my dad for teaching me how to work hard and tell the truth no matter the cost.
3. my gramma for being the funnest grown up in my whole childhood.
4. my sister for showing me what being selfless is.
5. my brother for being stable.
6.Andrea(my other sister)for all the fun times, all the horrible times, sticking through no matter what.
7.my teachers for giving me the love of reading, and the desire to do well.
8.Sidney for being the best gift of all. I KNOW what it is to be loved by a man who loved me with his whole self.
9.Cindy for always being there no matter what. good, bad, & ugly.
10. Liz for telling me the truth. for sharing you with me.
11. Pam for showing me how to accept the love of a good man.
12.Jami for allowing me to be a sounding board, giving me the opportunity to get out of myself for 5 seconds.
13.Harold & Cyndi for sending the money for Sid's rehab that you knew we would take forever to repay, and never making us feel as if we owed you.
14.Kelly for showing me how to laugh at myself, and to remember this is all temporary.
15.Veronica for being constant and just a super great daughter. you are a great mom also. so loving and giving of yourself and just a bright spot for me.
16. Marty for being a loving son. for so much comfort and strength you brought right after your Dad's stroke.
17.Shannon for always being there. for dropping anything and everything to be a help to us. for being such a true friend.
18.the anonymous donors of the many cards full of cash that helped out so much after the stroke.
19.Tina for always being so thoughtful and engaging. asking questions and encouraging.
20 Norma for faithfully praying for us, and the gentle kindness.
21.Susie for being who she is. She is just so cool and fun and I love her.She tells me the truth in love and points me back to Jesus.
22.Betty for being an example of a loving wife to a "new" husband.
23. Ben for coming to see Sid every day he was in the hospital.
24. Jimmy for always always being there. for doing the "man" chores
for taking such good care of our critters whenever we go somewhere.
25. Esther for feeding us so well.
26.Cynda for the constant consistent godly counsel. always uplifting, never belittling. encouraging and loving.
27.Denise for allowing me to get to know you. What a gift you were to me.glad you are with Jesus now.
28.Sarah for coming all the way from Sunnyside to take Sid to appointments and to be happy in it. Giving us an opportunity to get to know you more and be a part of our life. for loving Sid. he thinks pretty highly of you and your girls, too.
29.Dale and Lola for their genuine love and care of us. What sweet folks.
30.Sharon for being such a fun friend, and for teaching me that things are not always as they seem. that people who love you will still lie to you.miss you so.
31.Sheila for taking the time to talk to me that awful afternoon oh so many years ago, when I had made some bad choices and was in a corner. Good Godly counsel with love and truth, not judging or condemning.
32.Phyllis for being such a good woman to my dad. He so loved you.
33. Corky and Jan for being constant and loving. for being faithful in praying for us. giving us some fun times and good meals.
34.Christine for helping Sid with his speech and constantly pushing him to do better, for making it fun. and you never cashed the checks I sent for payment.knowing we didn't really have the money, but Sid so needed your help.
35.Duane at Owens, for helping me out when the tow company wouldn't let me have Sid's bike after he wrecked it. guess being the wife isn't always good enough. Duane went and got his bike..he isn't even related.haha
36.Robyn for being another constant in my life. We know how to camp..
37.Bryan for being a great boss. for leading by example and encouraging me to go for it. for believing in me.
38.Jon for being a great boss as well. for supplying good health benefits to your employees, and absorbing that cost. For showing you care for the people that work for you.
39.Jay for being a good husband to our daughter. for being a great dad. for always being kind and loving and respectful.
40. Paige for being a great wife to our son. It has been really tough for you, yet you haven't given up yet. You are a gem in our lives.
41. Bernadette for teaching me that so much is my choice.
42.Jack and Charlotte for showing me that sweet love they have.
43.Sid's mom (my other mom) for showing constant and genuine love. for making me laugh, and for just being fun to be around. for never making me feel as if I wasn't good enough for her son.
44.Jeanne for love and support through all the years.
45.Tony for teaching the truth with such passion. truly spirit filled.
46.They aren't people, but in my life critters are pretty high on the list
Punkin for over 14 years of loyal companionship. best dog ever..truly a gift from God.
47. Samson, Sid didn't know me or his kids right after the stroke, but I snuck lil Sammy in to his hospital room and he came back a bit. Sammy became his dog then.
48.Ebony who we got to keep sammy company, and because Sid had stolen my dog..
such love and devotion.
49. KanDee, my broken heart mender. she helped me thru the loss of Punkin and my dad.
50. Sassy, the cat who moved in uninvited as a ratty little kitten and is now KanDee's BFF.
I have had many more folks touch my life in oh so many ways, and the ones listed have so much more qualities that I am thankful for, but it gave me the chance to take a look at some good stuff.

what can I say

Friday already

Where did the week go? It just flew by.
I didn't even realize I hadn't been here
for a few days til tonight. I haven't
been doing anything super special, just
my life which is....SUPER SPECIAL. =]
Trying to figure out what has kept me too
busy to blog, and then remembered LIFE.
I have been tired, and trying to be a
bit more organized during the week, so that
when the weekends come I don't spend the entire
time doing just chores and not enjoying my
man and our home. I am grateful for so much.
We have been super busy at work, so the layoff
scare has left for now. =]
It also keeps me from spending too much time
in the "WHAT IF?" game I can get into playing.
I am somewhat puzzled by the lack of freaking
out or worrying about Sid's test. He had it done
on Wednesday, I have to admit to a small crying
fit. I had a moment of feeling as if I were the
worst wife ever. Like I should have been there
with him. I HATE that. It didn't last long, but
I could have entertained that one for days.
I am looking forward to meeting with the doctor
on Wednesday to find out the results, and get
our plan of action. I just know we are in God's
hands, and no amount of worry or stressing or
any of the stuff I can be soo good at will
change the fact that it will be what it will.
I have been wearing my "EARS" around the house
a bit to be silly, and make Sid laugh. He just
shakes his head and giggles and calls me a
dumb---....He is just so stinkin sweet, huh?
He did manage a walk to costco this week, so
I am encouraged with his effort. so that's
it for me for now. gonna go do some laundry.

scattered

That is my thoughts.
Scattered.
As in all over the place.
My emotions are as well.
I am so ready for our trip.
I am just so tired. I am so
afraid to say it, because I
don't want to sound as if I am
complaining or discontent. I
truly am just tired.
I spent my days off busy.
Doing some chores, Laundry,etc.
Sid and I both did the grocery
shopping together. That was actually
kind of fun. We checked out the new
Walmart.very nice. I will go back.
Trying to stay organized and keep
up with everything that needs done.
called doctors to arrange prescriptions.
called other docs to pay some of them. =]
We are so busy at work, that it is
crazy. Our son showed up today. He
has been a bit off lately, so I am
not sure what to think on that. I
just keep praying for he and his wife
to work thru their problems. Love them
both oh so much. I would normally try to
sort out these thoughts, but I just didn't
have it in me.
I am also thinking of the upcoming doctor
appointments we have, to tackle Sid's blocked
carotid. I keep looking at the countdown
on our calendar...32 days til we leave for our
trip to Disneyland. I am so thankful that I am
not afraid we won't make it. I did tell the man
that I was going whether he made it or not.
Told him I would raffle his spot if he wasn't up
for it. He just showed me his finger. hmmm. he
is so cute.
What is scary is I have all of these thoughts
racing around in my head, as well as many others
I haven't listed(lazy) and I can still kinda function.
I am definitely ready for a change of scenery and a
chance to relax and throw up my hands and just enjoy.
without a thought in my head..only 32 days!!!

progress

The doctor's office called today. They received insurance approval
for the test Sid needs done. YAY!!! He goes next week for that,
and the following week we meet with the doctor to go over the
results and determine the plan of action.
In the meantime, I call Sid to tell him, and he is on his way
to Costco again.(this walking thing may prove costly,lol)
He got paper plates while he was there.(he noticed we were out)
He also picked up one of those meatloaf and mashed tater meals
and a big ole jug of chocolates of the world.mmmm..
I came home to a house that smelled like a home cooked meal
and to nice candies, and a smiling man that felt good about
making me smile. Makes my heart sing.(yes, I am tearing up here)
I am almost afraid to hope that maybe a corner is being turned here.
I know that lots of people that love us are praying extra hard
lately. They have just overwhelmed us with an outpouring of love
and encouragement. I am just so grateful to know that these are
blessings and gifts from our Lord. He is so good to us. I just look
at how the events have happened and there is no doubt He is IN CHARGE!
And we get the great opportunity to share that with everyone we come
in contact with. I hope I prove faithful.

he walked to store..

I am always so amazed by God's blessings.
I then wonder why am I so amazed? I should
be used to it, huh?
I have been encouraging my sweet man to do
a bit of exercise. We plan on getting a scooter
chair for him while we are in Disneyland, but
even with that he will have a bit of walking.
And after sitting and laying around for a few
months it is natural that he will tire easily.
Well, he walked to Costco today. It isn't a super
long walk, maybe half mile round trip. We needed
milk, so he took my encouragement and did it!!
I am so proud of him!! I just praised him and told
him how great he was to go to the store for me.
He said he got tired, but not too bad.
I am just grateful that he tried. He hasn't
"felt" like doing anything, and I tend to
take it personal when he doesn't respond to
my suggestions.I just want him to be as good
as he can possibly be, and I want to do any
and everything I can to help him make that
happen.
We have to wait for insurance to approve the
tests he needs done to see where the blockage
is and how bad it is. Found out it was a typo
that caused the confusion with the doctors.
they put CAD which means coranary artery disease
when they meant to say carotid artery disease.
So, we wait again. I am not very good at that,
but, I believe there has been some improvement
in that area. Thank the Lord for that.

already?

Another week-end over too soon.
I didn't manage to get it all done,
but I just have a quick trip to the Big R for dog food,
and store for milk and one more load to fapa,
and I will be as done as I am going to be.
I actually spent a bit of time relaxing today.
Some of my friends from church gave me a gift today.
A HUGE pink purse (how did they know it's my favorite color?).
Inside was a soft scoooshy teddy bear(named him Disnee)
with a card to encourage me,
signed by many of the ladies that attend bible study.
What a blessing they are.
They consistently and faithfully hold me up.
I don't deserve them in my life, but am so very grateful for them.
One of the special gifts from a loving God.
So not alot to say today,
but it was too nice a day to leave without a comment.

happy heart

Well, alot has happened since my last post. We went to cardiologist Wednesday and after answering a whole lot of questions, he asked us why we were there. I nearly lost it. I told him that our primary care doc had set it up because of the blockage in Sid's carotid artery. He calmly tells us he doesn't do that type of work. I kept battling back and forth between, "it's OK God is in charge" to ARE YOU PEOPLE COMPLETELY CRAZY!!!.
(all of that inside my own mind.)
He must have seen my shock and dismay because he immediately said "let me make some calls"
Well, he set us up with a doctor that does do "THAT TYPE OF WORK" and also an appointment with a surgeon next week. We saw the doctor this afternoon, and after looking at the ultrasound of Sid's carotid and listening to the dopplar determined the blockage is more likely at about 70% not the 95% we had been told. He explained how the speed of the flow changes as it approaches the narrowing and as it leaves the narrowing. And based on that speed he determined the "tightening" (as he called it) wasn't as grave as we thought. Praise God.
I told him we had a trip planned.... he asks me where?..... I say Disneyland....... He says When I say Christmas.......He says pfft....no problem...
I finally exhaled for the first time I think in over a month.
He scheduled a dye cat scan that will show exactly where the "tightening" is and how bad it is.
He said at that point we will decide what if anything needs to be done, and if something does need done what the best option may be. Stints vs. surgery. He was awesome.
He encouraged Sid to strengthen up his body and set the goal of getting back on his motorcycle. He is the first doctor to do that. He said set the goal and if you get there you know that you earned it. I just met this guy, but I totally trust him and know without a doubt the Lord put us in his hands for a reason. We are so blessed and seems it takes some tough stuff to really see it.

giveaway

Ok I am doing this to enter the giveaway...I don't really want it for myself, I do want
to gift it to a special someone, though. So this blog is all about the free prize..

sigh....

Went to neurologist today. He was pretty positive.
No new damage in brain. Just want to prevent any more seizures.
So, increase in anti-seizure meds and if no problems go back in 6 months.
Sid isn't allowed to drive his car at all for next 6 month
to be reevaluated if he has no more seizures.
Dr. doesn't want him on motorcycle at all,
regardless of lack of seizures.
Needless to say, my sweetheart is not a happy camper.
I am OK with it. It just means I will need
to get more organized and do a little bit more.
But, with help it will be OK.
called the other Doctor,
asked why the wait on the carotid blockage.
I expressed my concern of another stroke.
Dr. wants cardiologist to see if they can't just do
a stint instead of the other invasive surgery
that Sid got the last time.
I was like, oh..... so we wait.
wait on the Lord.
I am so grateful that my friends fear
and self pity went to visit someone else.
Thankful for everyone that is praying for us.
I am hopeful we will spend our Christmas as we planned.
I know that we looked to the Lord in that decision,
so I have to trust that He has it all figured out.
And he doesn't need my help in it, just needs me to trust.

new day

Well, yesterday was a better day. I thought about Paul.
How he got put in jail and didn't complain or say how
unfair it was. He didn't get mad and throw fits. He used
the opportunity to share God's love and mercy. I decided
I needed to try that. I had a better day as a result of it, too.
Between my 2 good friends fear and self-pity, I was in serious
danger of being consumed by it. So thankful that I have the
people in my life that consistently tell me the truth in love.
that pray for me. That hold me up and encourage me.
I realize that God has a plan and He doesn't need my approval.
I don't like my circumstances right now, but I truly do believe
that I need to trust in what I know to be true. The evidence in
our lives gives me no reason not to trust, yet I find myself
there way too often.
We don't see a cardiologist for 2 weeks
I am thinking, Why so long? what if he has another stroke before?
we know what needs done, why can't we do it NOW. Then, I
had to remind myself, God is in charge. He knows exactly what
is needed. I don't need to jump in and take over. It is so hard
sometimes to know what to do or not to do. So we are praying
for wisdom. That I will make the right choices, that I will trust
and be obedient. That I will honor my Lord in this trial.

weary

I am weary. Worn out. Asking God how much more?
I also am looking for the good in this whole thing, and
I am finding it. Doesn't change that it is HARD.
Way too hard for me. I am on the edge and it is
killing me. I feel as if I am going to snap.
Dr. called yesterday. Sid has over 90% blockage
in his right carotid artery. It was the left 2 years
ago that was blocked causing the stroke. So we
have to go see a cardiologist. I am thinking,
why? we know it needs fixed, let's get er done.
I am so afraid he will have another stroke
before we can get him unclogged. And I HATE
living in fear. HATE IT.
It is threatening to consume me. Between the
fear and self pity, I am blech. I make me sick.
I totally know that God has plan for us.
I totally know that he loves us.
I am having a tough time believing and trusting
anyway.
But, if he hadn't had the seizure, and if it hadn't been
so bad that I called ambulance, we wouldn't have
been getting these tests done that are giving us the
information. So I am at a point where I see I have
a choice. choose to trust no matter what, or choose
to "what if" the situation to pieces.
In the midst of all this I come home from work to
backed up toilets and having to call a plumber.
grrrr. He comes and couple hundred bucks later
fixed. Oh....wait....til the washing machine starts to
drain, and shoots water all over my laundry room.
That is the point where I lost it. BAD.
They are coming back today, hopefully to
really fix it. so off to work. Thankful in spite
of myself...

Maybe it's October?

Well, today is the 2 year anniversary of the stroke.
2 years ago our lives were forever changed. I "lost"
the man I married and got a "new" man. I had spent
a good part of the last week reflecting on the changes
that have come as a result of that day.
learning how to do the things that he always did, like
put gas in my own car, and new wiper blades, and
grocery shop, dishes, empty and reset mouse traps,
kill the spider, bug, bee, whatever creepycrawlyickythingy.
and oh so much more.
watching him struggle to find the word he wants
and only managing the f word. that one he has down.
wasn't one of his words before the stroke. =/
learning how to be patient. looking at others and realizing
we don't have a clue what someone else's life is really like.
hoping he doesn't offend someone that doesn't know he isn't
a jerk, that he just forgot it isn't OK to cut in line at the store.
realizing today that odds are good he isn't going to be able
to ride a motorcycle again, maybe not ever drive a car again.
Yesterday at 3 ish, I looked over at my sweet man
and in horror saw him having a seizure. It was the
scariest thing I have ever seen. So, you guessed it.
we spent last night and part of today in the hospital.
last October he had a seizure. At that time he was put
on 6 month restriction from driving, to be reviewed after.
Well, he stayed seizure free so was allowed full driving
rights again. We were told that if he had any more seizures,
though, he would most likely be restricted from driving again.
My heart aches for him. He has always been happiest when
he is riding his bike. A nice drive is something he really enjoys,too.
I know he feels better when he gets out and does stuff .
He had just got home from going to the store for me.
It was his first time driving since the motorcycle accident.
He hadn't been home more than 30 minutes, I am so grateful
he wasn't driving when it happened.
hard stuff, yet I am so grateful to see the blessings.
I am oh so aware that in a couple days I may have a
hard time seeing any good in my life, but , today I can see it.

more good news

Well, my sweet man went for his next infusion treatment today.
I had my SIL taking him to drop him off and then I had arranged
to take afternoon off work to go be with him for the last of it, and
to go over next phase of treatment. Well, first thing they did when
he got there was draw blood. After testing it, they saw a major
improvement in his iron levels from the last time. So, no infusion
necessary at this time. He is to continue his iron supplements at home
and recheck in 6 weeks. YAY!!!! Still have more testing for the platelets
and to see where he may be losing blood. But that will be drawn out
over the next few months. The motorcycle wreck put things off a bit.
I was a bit anxious about this treatment, since he ended up in the hospital
the last time he had one. Not caused by the infusion, but still made me
feel nervous. I am constantly wondering what more I could be doing
to help him get better. I am looking forward to church tonight.
Always get good stuff there...

reflecting

As the 2 year anniversary of Sid's stroke approaches, I find myself in reflection.
Thoughts of how much our lives changed in that instant.
How we went to bed one night with plans for the next day, week,
month, years, and that all changed in a heartbeat. I find myself
full of gratitude for what we have and the blessings we have
received and also full of thoughts of what ifs. How would our
lives be if the stroke had never happened. would we still be
happy? in love? grateful for the simple things that are so often
taken for granted? Honestly the one thing I can't seem to let go
of the anger and sadness and that overwhelming sense of loss
is missing a plain old regular normal conversation. My man was the
talker in the family, and I just plain miss him. I literally got a new
husband that day. Don't misunderstand, I love him, just miss the
man I married. So I will be in this reflective way for the next few
days, and hope to focus on the gains and not the losses. For in
our loss we had enormous gain. For that I am grateful.

pie for dinner

Yep, big piece of pumpkin pie with cool whip.
YUMMY!!! I think that the pie is actually good
and nutritious. it is like squash, right? which is
a vegetable, right? cool.
I knew I was eating healthier. kinda proud...
I am truly enjoying the life I have right now.
I am also very grateful. I am tuned to joyful.
My sweet man is snoozing, and I plan on
snoozing right with him here shortly.
sigh, feeling pretty content. I am glad for it.

great weekend

Wow! what a great week-end. What made it special?
My attitude. I got some great encouragement at my
ladies bible study on Thursday, and I took it to heart.
I was encouraged to stop trying to do it ALL. to give
it up. to rely on the Lord. I spent some time pondering
what does that mean? I have been walking with the Lord
about 4 years now, (well sorta). And right after the stroke
when it was all so very hard, I had no choice but to totally
rely on Him.
I don't know why I decided I could take over again. I have
experience galore on how I don't manage things too well
on my own. Yet I have been doing just that for the last several
months. No wonder I feel sorry for myself and am so very
weary. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I thought I was
just "living" my life, and taking care of my family and my
responsibilities.
I wasn't willing to ask for help. I don't know why. I have several
people that are willing to help me out any way they can.
I guess I am embarrassed because I need help. I always
compare myself to others and come up lacking.
I know single moms that work outside the home that seem
to manage everything just fine and don't know why I am
so frazzled.
So, I did it. I relaxed this week-end. I did a small bit of
grocery shopping on Saturday, and all the laundry.
flannel sheets are on the beds and freshly laundered fluffy
comforters. I fixed a meal in the crock pot. enough to last
for a few days. I enjoyed my life, the way it is right now.
I looked at the good instead of focusing on the way I think it should be.
When my SIL called and said she couldn't take Sid to one of his appts
I didn't freak out and wonder how "I" was going to handle it. I
asked for help, and guess what? No one called me and said,
what is your problem? Why can't you handle it? You should
be able to do it ALL. I am the only one that expects me to be
that. I don't even believe God wants me to be that. So, you guessed
it. I had a ton of people volunteering to help.Thanks,Sarah!!
I am grateful to God for blessing us with what we need, when we need it.

good news

Well, shoulda done this last night, but was just too tired.
My sweet man had showered(finally), shaved, and put on
real clothes...he also did the dishes. I love him oh so much.
my 2 least favorite chores he has always done, grocery
shopping and dishes. with a dishwasher, I don't mind them
as much as I used to. He is feeling better. I would put him at
about 40%. So, major improvement. YAY!!!
took him to doctor, and he is maintaining blood pressure,
so 2 pills less to take. YAY!!! someone told me I looked
"lighter". guess I didn't realize how much I carry and
don't realize others see that. I hope I can show that it
is God that carries our burden. I tell people all the time
that I can't do this stuff, but somehow God gives me
the grace for the day. Some days, however, I leave that
grace on my pillow and run the show myself. Guess I don't
need to say that doesn't work out too well. You would think
I would quit it, huh?
Well, that's enough outa me for now..

for your dining pleasure.

Guy I work with told me if we were all like stranded on an island and just had to eat someone they would eat me because there would be enough rump roast to last for days...I guess I may need to step away from the buffet? On a good note. I laughed and did not get offended. It felt good to not cry over it. He wasn't being mean either, just stating the obvious to him. I did tell
him that we may prefer to eat the ones that were kinda mean and not any fun to be around.
He couldn't argue with that logic..

over the hump?

Was hoping to feel better today.
didn't happen..I didn't "feel" like
doing anything. Just wanted to
stay in bed.
Critters don't allow
that kind of stuff. They want fed
on schedule. I forced myself to
shower and dress and go to
church. I prayed and told God
that I didn't feel like it, but was
doing it anyway just out of
obedience. I know I am stuck
in sin here, relying on myself
to get out of it. Never works,
yet I continue to try it.grrrr
I cried the entire service.
sniffling snotty crying. I was
able to share with a few people
that asked me that I was just
feeling sorry for myself. nothing
to worry about. I am grateful to
be able to tell the truth I guess.
I think maybe sharing it brought
some sort of realization that I was
being selfish and needing to see
that God is good all the time.
That I need to trust what I know
instead of letting my feelings run
the show. So I am at this moment
anyway feeling better. exhausted
and drained, but better. The man
walked outside for a few minutes
today, yippee..he has 68 days to get
healed up..I think he will make it.

Pity Pot

Here I am again. feeling sorry for myself. I hate this about me.
I am so very aware of the blessings in my life. They are so very
abundant. Yet, I can't seem to get past the feelings of loss. and
hurt and anger over it and the guilt that always accompanies
it all.I cried out to God again, Please please give me my Sid back.
It seems like he keeps slipping away from me little pieces at a time.
I hate that I get into this. but it is a part of who I am. Selfish
Self centered. BLECH...I can't seem to see past right in front of
me. The big picture is all blurry.
Things had just seemed like OK, and then the accident.
Sid is so very fortunate that his injuries are not any worse,
but he has slipped way back emotionally and in his willingness
to even try. I felt like I was beginning to get a bit of the "old"
Sid back, and then we are hit with this. I am at a point I hate.
Where my faith is just not there. Where I think I know better,
and I know that is just lies lies lies. I know that this too shall pass.
I am just a spoiled child throwing a fit, because I want what I
want. I wish Sid could communicate well enough to tell me
how it is for him.When I get so stuck in how hard it is on me,
I forget he is probably trapped somewhat inside himself.
whenever I have asked him, he just kinda shrugs and says
"whatever, nothing you can do about it"
I am grateful, even though I am having a rough time
seeing it right now. I do know that I don't have to entertain
these feelings. I have the experience of getting through them
in the past. I just don't much like it right now. Tomorrow is
another day. Who knows, maybe by this evening?

Remembering...Mom

It has been a year since we lost Sid's mom. Seems like
just a few weeks ago and with all that has happened in
this last year it seems as though much more time must
have passed. She was a funny wonderful lovely woman.
One of my favorite memories of her, and this gives you
an idea of just how wonderful she was.
Way back in the day, we were known to go out on the
occasional Saturday night. My husband and I and 2 of his sisters
and their husband/boyfriend. Anyway, one night we had all
had a bit much to drink and thought it would be nice to have
breakfast. we walked to my sweet mother-in-law's and woke
her up. She proceeded to fry bacon and sausages, and make
fried potatoes, and eggs and toast. And she did it laughing
and with such a joy. She was truly happy serving her family.
I learned so much from that wonderful lady. I miss her so.
She held her family together. She was a gift and I am grateful
to have loved her, and to know that she loved me..

getting closer

Well, the man is doing a bit better today.
longer stretches between the pain meds
and he rested most of the day. He finally
ate more than 4 bites of food. It was like
10 bites. I told him he has to be better
within 75 days. That is when we leave
for our Disneyland Christmas. That
made him smile. So I will use that
as a motivator to help him in his
recovering process. We had already
decided to rent a scooter chair for
him since he tires so easily. That
decision was justified after a day at the
fair last week-end left him hobbling
around the next day. Spent much of the
day just playing on facebook watching
him sleep. Being grateful. Grateful
for the constant outpouring of love
and support and encouragement.
Grateful for being able to hope and
believe. Grateful to know that this
is all temporary and eternity is just
around the corner. Grateful that I can
be grateful. That is truly a gift.

c'mon boring

this is the phone call I got Tuesday at work.
"Mrs. Peterson?" I say, yes.
They say "this is memorial hospital, and
Sidney has been in a motorcycle accident."
I ask "is he alright?" they say...
"he's alive." then the phone goes dead.
AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.
I grab keys and race to the hospital.
I get there to find him bruised and slightly
broken and very much alive. exhale....
the ER people are asking him questions
and he is talking like he does since the stroke,
and they tell me, they have done a scan of his
brain as there appears to be some trauma. I
tell them he is fine, he just talks like that since the
stroke. They were like, "oh, this is normal?"
I said "yep, it is for us anyway."
they don't even clean his scrapes or bandage
him up, sent him home with the IV thing still
in his arm. I took it out the next day, as I really
thought I would be taking him back, which I did.
they missed the broken collar bone, fingers, and foot
other than that, he is in pretty good shape.
2 ambulance rides in a week's time is just too
much excitement for this old girl.(aging faster
all the time)
Just looking forward to humdrum, nothing out
of the ordinary. Next day pretty much the same as
the one before, for just a while anyway. I am tired.
poor guy didn't sleep much for the first 3 days.
finally got some decent rest last night. hoping to
get some more tonight. Oh, and he wrecked on
his way to surprise me with lunch. I love this
sweet man that God gifted me with. I just want
to keep him healthy and uninjured. Oh and I still
want a complete normal conversation, too.
But, I will be content in whatever my circumstance
even if I don't like it much.

fair time

My sweet man brought me home a sammich from the fair.
lotsa onions and cheese & meat all on a bun. mmmm
So, I am going to go eat my dinner, do some facebook
and go to bed at a decent time. gnite

here again

Well, I am embarrassed to even come back after such hit and miss blogging.
Much has been happening, at work at home, with Sid's health.
I will just give a quick rundown of last couple weeks if possible.
Sid is anemic and needed to have iron infusions. at the first one
he fainted --- twice. His feet swelled up to size of small watermelons
with frankfurter toes, and his heart rate and blood pressure went
crazy. this all earned him an ambulance ride to the hospital for
a overnight lodging. it was all very scary. He was looked at by a
neurologist that determined he just fainted. No seizure, no stroke
no damage..Praise God. He is now off the blood pressure meds he
has been taking for almost 2 years. I guess anemia will lower blood
pressure, too. So I missed 2 days of work to be with him. When I
went back to work, my boss says to me. "Oh, we really appreciate you
and how hard you work. We are paying you for the time you were off."
I just started crying and said thank you. I am so grateful for the
blessings that come. I figured I would use a sick day and just scrimp
on the other day, but once again God showed off in our life. So we go again
for another iron infusion this Wednesday. Hopefully it will be
drama free. Hoping I can be more consistent with this blog.
Time will tell, I guess.

long time no "see"

WOW, seems like forever since I have been here. I have been busy at work and that is a whole blog of it's own. Inventory is done for another year. YAY. I did manage to work enough hours to bank the cash we will need for our Disney Christmas, so I am thankful for that. So, since I was here last, I lost a good friend. I had another relapse (heroin addict) worked 65 - 70 hours per week and found out my sweet man is anemic and undergoing more tests because of his platelet counts being way out of whack. We go back to north star Thursday to find out more. so far just anemia and iron deficient. I am now on regular schedule at work 7-4. that should make a huge difference in how I manage my time. I am a morning person, and don't do extra hours well anymore. I got to go to church yesterday, first time in over a month. It is amazing how much that helped my attitude. I am so looking forward to ladies bible study starting back up. I think I just want to have some sort of normalcy and I don't even know what that is anymore. What used to be normal is so far from what is normal now. I wish sometimes to have that old life back, that I so took for granted. The easy life, then I remember to be content in all circumstances. That I can do that even if I don't "feel" it.

lazy day

What a week. I was supposed to work today as well,
but when I asked my boss what time he wanted me
to come in, he said "just take the day off"..I almost started
crying I was so relieved. He appreciated all the extra hours
and effort I have been putting in, and thought I deserved
a whole weekend off. I really like this new boss of mine.
I took 2 naps today. I did get up at my usual 4 am
so it isn't too horrible that I took a morning
and an afternoon nap. Sid handled dinner (taco bell). and here
I am. I did change the bed and do some laundry, but other than that
it was veg out completely. Saw something today that makes me
sick to my stomach. And not sure if I can post about it or not.
I am going to keep praying about it, and maybe I will post on it
later on. I just don't want to do anything that may embarrass
someone else, even if it has a HUGE impact on me and how
I am feeling right now. suffice it to say I am angry, hurt,
confused, and asking the question why why why?
so one more crazy 12 hour a day workweek ahead, and
I will be working next Saturday and Sunday, but after
that I will be on my new schedule 7-4. YAY that will
make my life a whole lot less hectic. I am going to go
finish my oh so lazy day with a movie and some ice cream.

perception

Just finished reading a blogger I really enjoy. Who makes me
see life in such a wonderful way. I so appreciate her
honesty in the everyday stuff. Made me realize
just how much I still compare myself to others, and still come
up lacking. I hate that about me. I was thinking as I was reading
how she missed her size 2's, that I miss my size 8's. I am totally
thrilled to be a size 8.(been in double digits for a while now) =/
I also remember 20 some years ago that
a size 8 was HUGE- GINORMOUS. How that perception has
changed so much in 20 years. I have talked with many young girls
who are constantly battling and feeling lousy about themselves
and I think back on all the time I spent doing the very same
thing. Time I can't get back, EVER. I look back at pictures
taken when I was in my twenties and a solid size 5 that I
worked nonstop to keep up, because I thought I was still
too fat, and say to myself "DANG< I was not too shabby."
What changes between 25 and 45? I don't know.
I know that I will have a lifelong struggle with weight
and some chapters of my life it is a bit easier to battle
than others. I just want to be OK with who I AM.
more so than How I am, if that makes any sense.
I spent so much of my life focused on the outside
stuff, I never even looked at the really ugly inside
stuff. It creeps up oh so frequently. blech

good day...

It was a good day.
Got a bit of peace and just a sense
of whatever happens happens.
Don't know how long that will last.
Well, actually I do. Til the stupid tests
are done and results are back. =].
I am so thankful for the people in my
life that remind me of the truth. That
hold me up and encourage me.
My sweet man brought me an iced
coffee to my work today, AND he
handled dinner for us as well..yummy
I really cherish these sweet times.
now it is off to bed, after I check on the
farm that is...

don't feel like it

we got the results from Sid's blood work. He is anemic, and
has to do some more tests for that. And his platelet count is
way off so we have to go to a hematologist and look into that
further. I am just afraid right now. I was blessed with a crazy
hectic chaotic day at work that left me no time to think, and
now I am home and trying not to think. I hate that I go to the
"what if's" instead of just going with the flow. It is probably
nothing to worry about and I will have wasted all this time
worrying and fretting over a situation I have absolutely no
control over anyway. One of the long term effects of his cancer
treatments that he underwent years ago, was the likelihood of
developing a type of leukemia. So, I of course, am terrified.
I hate that, I told someone today that we don't live in fear,
yet I am afraid. I am doing my darndest to not allow the fear
to take over. Sid of course is just so mellow. He says to me
nothing you can do about it. all matter of fact like. I just don't
really feel like talking about it, but did anyway. I wonder how
people do life without God. I am a mess with Him, yet still
have the peace and hope that comes with knowing He is in
control. He knows exactly what He is doing. I just need to
trust that.

minor setback

Well, I went to the dentist today to see how my invisalign treatment was going.
I started in October, and the expected length of treatment was 10 months.
Well, I have 4 teeth that aren't "tracking" right , and we have to start over.
Not totally over, obviously. I am so happy to say my teeth have straightened
up quite a bit. I received a lot of compliments on them over the week-end
from family and friends that we haven't seen in a while. Anyway, I had new
molds taken and will have to wait 2-3 weeks for the new aligners to come.
In the meantime I will have to stay on #17 for a while longer.
I remember as a child on school picture day my mom telling me
to be sure to not show my teeth when I smiled. I always thought I
was sooo ugly. I was sure that if I just had straight teeth that maybe,
just maybe, I may be a little bit pretty.
After nearly 40 years of thinking my mom thought I was just
a hideous looking child, come to find out she was just embarrassed for
not being able to afford to fix my teeth. It is amazing what we pass on
without even thinking about it. I am just really excited that I will finally
see what I will look like with teeth that aren't all overlapped and twisted.
I am also glad that my Mom and I got the opportunity to work through
that lifelong misunderstanding. So much of my life I thought one thing was
true only to find I was mistaken. It is all perception, and God has given me
the chance to look at things from a different perspective.

Goodbye

My sister in law's funeral was today.
It was a nice service and all. Her husband
will miss her so. They would have
celebrated 34 years of marriage tomorrow.
I sat there and reflected on so much.
I, being the self-centered wretch that
I am, thought of how I would be feeling
if I was the one left behind. I have always
told Sid that I hoped to go before him.
I knew he would be alright without me,
but I would never be OK without him.
I then thought of how I have been learning
to be OK without the him I knew since his
stroke. I in a sense lost my husband that day
even though he is here still. I just have a totally
different guy than I started with. Don't , please,
don't think I am complaining about my circumstances.
I am truly just telling it like it is. and no I don't much
care for it most days. But, it is the path the Lord has
put before me. When I think of how "hard" I have it,
I think of countless others in this world who have it
so much tougher than I do. I have a friend who tells
me that maybe I am being prepared for something
through this. I am sure God has a plan and I just hope
that I cooperate and trust Him in it.

is it bedtime yet?

Can't remember the last time I felt this tired.
I am all over tired. Mind body and spirit. I
caught myself ready to cry today over nothing.
I mean absolutely nothing. I cannot stand myself
some days. yet I wonder why others find me
annoying...lol I know pretty funny, huh?
My sister in law's funeral is tomorrow, so
we have family coming to town for that.
Seems just so wrong that we never seem to
see some of our loved ones (we really do
love them) unless it is a funeral. I will miss
my dear sister in law.

We have shared so much of our lives together.
It seems fitting that she passed on Mom's birthday,
who would have turned 80 this year. So much to
reflect on. And be grateful for the happy times.

finally

in the first pic is my buds Robyn & Cindy & I
the next shows the campsite entrance.

our tan selves...=]

Ok this is the 4th time I have tried to post this blog with the photos.

I so stink at some of this stuff. I should be in bed, oh so tired. I am

aware it is not yet 9 pm. I had planned to be in bed early. I just

wanted to put these on here. I don't know how to move them around once I

get them uploaded. So this will just have to do.

We had such a great time on our annual outing.

We used to do the actual camping in a tent in the

dirt and all that good stuff. I do miss the smores...

But, this is definitely the way to go camping. =]

We just enjoyed and came home tan, with a few

shopping bags thrown in.

slackin

Well I have been back from my "camping" trip for over a week and still no pics or details.
Well here's the deal. I worked over 73 hours last week. add into that minimal chores around
the house, and Sid's sister passing away, I have good reason for my lack of follow thru.
After working all those hours, come to find out the computer system didn't recognize
the bulk of changes, so we will have to do it all over. So for the next few weeks, I will
be working 10-12 hour days. Which I realize other people do all the time and manage
a home and children and everything else. I will too, just not as well as I would like.
I really wanted to be faithful to this blog. I will have to find out how that is going to happen.
so tata for now.

not sunday =/

I know I said I would see ya sunday,
but I got home late and just didn't
have time to get on here.(still don't)..=[
It is the week before inventory, so I got to
work hours today, and probably will be doing
that all week, so the pics and details of my
camping trip will have to wait. suffice to say
I have great friends!! We had a blast!!
more to come later...

goin "campin"

Got my swimsuit, and my toothbrush.
That should do it. Oh maybe better take
some jammies, that should be good.
No work and All play is on the itinerary.
See ya Sunday. =]

HOT tired...is it friday?

So looking forward to the weekend.
It is the annual girls camp out.
I and two of my best buds go every year
for the last 8 years or so. We used to go
in a tent and rough it. The last 3 years
we have camped via Red Lion....
We just hang out at the pool
and catch up and eat junk and laugh
and do cannonballs and act like 15 year
old girls, instead of the near 50 year
olds that we are..
The last couple months have been
draining and I could use a break.
I of course always feel a bit guilty
and selfish for needing it.
I also worry about my Sidney.
He still isn't quite right. If he
felt up to riding his motorcycle
I wouldn't be so concerned, but
he will normally ride no matter what.
Soooo, I don't know.

nothin to say

Well, I have made a commitment to do better at this
blog thing, and once again am at a loss for something
to say. I am grateful for being OK with my oh so
ordinary life. There was a time when I would have
called it boring. If it wasn't at one end of the spectrum
or the other I didn't seem to want any part of it. I
never really considered it a flaw, just how I was.
I am no longer like that. There is something nice
and comfortable with ordinary, nothing special.
Which is oh so special. See, like I said nothing..=]

"Happy Birthday"

These are the words my sweet husband said to me
this morning. We had been up for a few minutes
and he said "Oh Yeah,,umm Happy Birthday!!".
And I said Thanks honey I love you!!
You see it is our anniversary.
23 years ago we got married.
After living together for 3 1/2 years
we decided to get it right.
Neither one of us thought it was ok
to live together without being married
yet we did it anyway. Great example
we set for the kids, huh?
we didn't have a wedding.
never had an engagement ring
barely afforded a plain band.
We got married next to the
Naches river with our kids,
and then we went to Nile valley days,
and I then went to my bartending job.
And though nearly everyone
said it wouldn't last, here we are.
Not because of us, in spite of us.(mostly me)
And from the very beginning, we
both believed in our very cores
that God had given us each other
as gifts to the other.
I always used to tell Sid I got
the shiny new bike and he got
the scratchy sweater.
both gifts, yet not necessarily
the same on the coolness level.
I haven't said that or even really
thought it in a long time. I still think
I got the better gift, but I realize now
that God knew what we both needed.
And he knew I needed that shiny bike
and that Sid needed that scratchy
sweater, He always knows best.
So we went to Nile valley days,
and came home, and took a nap.
pretty simple and oh so nice.

here again

Oh my goodness...
I can't believe it is the middle of July
and this is my first post of the month.
Here's the dealio...I haven't been very
good company the last few weeks. I
have all kinds of reasons(excuses).
Sid fell and then he was just out of sorts
for about a week, I had decided to take
him in to get checked out, and he said
he was fine and refused to go. Well,
I let it go. And I watched him/
do nothing ...absolutely nothing.
He is in bed when I go to work,
and in recliner when I get home.
no sign of activity other than
the dirty dishes in the sink.
for 2 more weeks...where I
felt my ugly self rise to
the surface and the battle was on.
It has been raging pretty much non
stop until yesterday I guess.
I so hate myself when the selfishness
takes over. I had a realization as to
what my problem was. It was a
plain old fashioned hissy fit. And
I had to repent for it. I realized my
discouragement and disappointment
had been left to fester and boy did it
leave an ugly ugly spot..I have been
praying for COMPLETE healing
for Sid. I have been asking God to give
me back the man I love and miss.
And he hasn't done that. I am MAD
and I don't understand why I can't have
what I want!!! I just miss him so much!!
He is right here, yet not. It is so hard
to explain. Just a simple conversation
there is no such thing.


so I of course get stuck in the mire of
self-pity teamed with the self-loathing
that goes with it..the theme here is SELF.
I hope to be coming out of this oh so
familiar place. I have been here way too
long this time.
I did take Sid in to get checked out.
They decided to adjust his meds
and found his blood pressure was sky high
and increased that medication and he
also had irregular heartbeat, so another
test. back again in 2 weeks. I am now
montoring his blood pressure at home.
He did come to my work and bring me
coffee yesterday..first time in weeks
so I will continue to ask for complete
healing, and learn to be grateful for
what God has blessed me with.
We will be celebrating our anniversary
this Sunday.
Hope to do better at this..

big sigh

I don't know when it happened, or how I missed it.
I am no longer 25 and in great shape. =[
I hurt physically. I don't do hurt well.
I also, don't do whine without guilt well.
I have had it easy this last few years.
Only in my first few weeks of the parts
dept and my feet hurt. My back is aching,
and my neck is all outa whack. boo hoo....
I had gotten used to sitting in a nice comfy
chair all day. sure i did a little work standing
but for the most part sit down easy...
Well, that is no more.. I realize I have not
treated my body very well. Got lazy and
soft. Justified it by telling myself I don't
have time to exercise, all my free time
I spend trying to do stuff that Sid used to
do. How I am doing more around the house
and I deserve to relax, with or without
double scoops...So there you go there you
have it. I am the heaviest I have ever been
in my life and seem to not have the ooomph
to do anything to change it. So I am gonna
have to get real and take a good look in
the mirror and be honest. I hate doing that
I don't usually like what I see. However,
pain is a good motivator. And I am hurting.
Not just emotionally and spiritually, but physically.
Hard to push that down with a cookie. Hope
that posting this will give a bit of accountability
to my resolve to take a look at what I CAN do.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
So any thing else is just an excuse. Which I believe
is just a lie in disguise. big sigh...

whoo

What a week and a half...
Got a new boss at work.
He is fantastic! But, I
have to work in a different
department now. It is all
good, and I keep telling myself
to be grateful and that
god will equip me with everything
I need to do this. I would have made
the same decision if I had to make it.
So I now work in the parts dept. I am
the brake and clutch specialist...
woo hoo...I spent 17 years doing that
and was thrilled when I came to this company
and basically hung up the gloves
and utilized my administrative skills.
Well, they decided I had too many skills
in the area of parts sale to be working
as an office administrator, so hence the
move to parts and sales. I know it is just
the old friend fear coming to visit.
I have never done this type of work
in a dealership. What if I can't get it?
What if I mess up too much? All those
negative self=centered fears that
seem to come around way too frequently.
Grateful that I am no longer paralyzed
in my fear. I have learned to do things
afraid. To pray and give it to God, knowing
that He will bless me if I am honestly seeking
Him and believing that it is what He would have
me do. Takes alot of pressure off me. My hours
are different, too. So just alot of adjustment.
Just when things get "normal" it changes.
Thankful for the precious gifts from God.

ahhh Saturday

Well, I did it. I slept in...
Well, I guess technically I went back to bed
cuz puppies don't care if you are tired.
When they are hungry and want to go
outside they want it NOW. So I did
get up at my usual 4 am, and was back in bed
by 430...sigh......
It is now almost 9 and I have done a little
FarmTown(my new addiction)...=]
and am on my 2nd cup of joe.

We are going to go for a long over due
bike ride. Seems like the weekends that
we have had good weather something
has been going on, and the others have
just been bad weather. =/

So I will be putting off the Saturday
chores til who knows when and
just enjoy this lazy fun day.

Someone asked me yesterday
"What are you doing for Father's
Day?" and I burst into tears..
So I am going to smile and
think of all the good times
I had with my Daddy. And be
grateful. Some kids never
get that blessing. And oh
what a blessing he was.

reflection

Finding that the longer I go without being on here
the harder it is to get back in the groove.
I just can't seem to come up with anything to really say.
I have been reflecting a lot the past few weeks.
It has been a year since we lost Punkin.
Also will be the first Father's day without my Dad.
He died 10 days after our sweet Punky.
They were such good friends. I found it fitting
that they passed on so close together.
They both lived long happy lives.
Much loved by their families.
Loyal and fierce in their protection.
Happy and exuberant in their affection.
My Daddy was my hero, and I was his
precious little girl always.
I haven't had the heart to go through any
of his stuff we boxed up and cleaned out of
his house.(I actually didn't do any of it)..
Just not ready to deal with it I guess.
that's what is going on with me..=]

still workin...

Well, I didn't get canned, yet.
The new boss told me he wasn't going to fire anyone right away,
he didn't want to be stuck doing all the work.
I think it is probably going to be just fine.
Sid brought me iced coffee at work today. =]
That is 5 out of the last 7 workdays that he
has thoughtfully treated me.
I forgot how much I missed being spoiled by him.
He used to tell me what he lived to do was see me smile.
So he naturally went out of his way for that to happen.
Simple things like calling me several times a day just to say
" hi gorgeous, I love you!"
I don't think he has called me gorgeous since the stroke.
That would have to be one of the thingsI miss the most,
the 45 second phone calls throughout
the day just to tell me he was thinking of me.
I just continue to ask for complete healing
and praise God for the constant grace.
We are so very blessed.

what next?

I am feeling so blessed and so anxious all at the same time. My boss got fired last week.
This came totally out of left field. I guess if I paid more attention to the politics of work
I would have been more in the know.
I am to be getting a new boss tomorrow.
The rumor is that he is going to fire everyone
and hire his own crew. So, needless to say I am scared.
I know that God is going to take care of us.
I just want it to be easy. I don't want to have to change.
I think I have been through enough already.
As I say this, I see the selfish horrid creature that I am.
I so want to be the woman full of faith and assurance.
I have enormous bags full of evidence to this,
yet here I am again...playing the what if game.
I have absolutely no reason to think I am going to lose my job,
but I am already planning what to do when we lose our home..
This is the kind of stuff that goes on in my head.
I hate that about me. I used to be able to talk to Sid about this stuff,
and he would always steer me right. I miss him so.
And he is RIGHT HERE!!

I don't know how people do life without God.
Especially when it is hard.
I was telling someone the other day that years ago
when Sid had lymphoma and was told he needed
to get his affairs in order, I was always waiting and afraid
of the cancer coming back and taking him.
I never worried that a stroke would strike
(if I wasn't so mired in self pity right now, that would be funny)
oh heck it is funny.(I know it's twisted)
we were struck with a stroke...
That's how this bloggy thing seems to work..
I get brought around to see that I need to
put my eyes on Jesus. To trust in Him.
Paul didn't whine about his circumstances.
He used each one as an opportunity to glorify
God. Why can't I do that? Something to shoot for
I would say. At least I am not stuck in that
horrible stink of self-pity anymore.
Thankful for that..=]

comin out of the funk??

Ok, here's the deal.
I am so very embarrassed to admit,
but I haven't felt that
I had anything worth sharing,
so I haven't even tried.
I have noticed that when I hunker in,
no matter what I think I have to say
something comes out.
I also believe that God uses that;
Sometimes it is for the insight I come to as I write,
sometimes it is from the comments
that are left as a result.
So, I am going to try and do better
at sharing my oh so ordinary life with you.
And in the process learn and grow.

feelin funky

Haven't been able to write anything lately..I've been working long days, and just haven't had anything left in me. By the time I get home and do the few chores I have, it's basically time to
go to bed. I had so much overtime, they made me leave work early one day last week. Sid and I took the opportunity to go on a little road trip. We drove down to Kennewick and spent
the afternoon at the Columbia center mall. they have stores we don't have here. like JC Penney and Victoria's Secret. It was a nice day. I have been playing catch up since. Sid hasn't felt well, and has pretty much just been laying around again. Although he did bring me an iced coffee today on his way to speech therapy. =]...Maybe I should try this in the mornings when I seem to think a little better..I think? =/ just in a funk..grateful to know that this too shall pass. Grateful to know I don't have to let my "feelings" determine how I am going to act or what I am going to do. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Now that's a pretty big deal!

longest short week ever

Sigh....I am beat. Thankful to the Lord for giving me the perks I needed this week.
I wonder why it is after a long week-end,
the work week following seems so much longer than 4 days.
I haven't had the energy or the brain power to blog this week.
What do I say? Wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. repeat...
I am so very thankful for my ordinary life
that is extraordinary in it's ordinariness....
hahaha sorry, but that's funny..
Yeah I know I am loony.
I am up for the count, tho.
I will not go to bed until the laundry is done.
Thankful for a washer and dryer in my home that works.
There was a time when that wasn't the case.
back in the day when we still had kids at home
with one car and lived 35 miles from town.
Now, that took some organization. Came to town
every Monday to do laundry, shopping, errands
whatever needed to be done. In the summer
the kids and I would go to a movie or to
miller pool until Sid got off work. Those were good
times. Still grateful for the washer & dryer, tho. =]

content

I love pancakes..got em for dinner.
Sid fixed them. doesn't get much better than that.
I asked if it was wrong to ask for more
from God where Sid's progress is concerned.
I didn't know if it was in some way a form
of ingratitude. I asked for prayer in that area
last week at ladies bible study.
My sisters assured me it wasn't wrong
to ask God for the desires of my heart.
Well, he isn't talking any better, but
his attitude and desire to pamper me
is waaay better. He has fixed my dinner
3 times in the last week. HUGE, improvement.
I didn't have to ask him, either. He was always
so thoughtful and attentive before the stroke,
and that part of his brain was affected. So, this
last few days I have had even more glimpses
of the "old" Sid, and it gives me hope and
makes me excited to see what God does
for us when we ask. So, I am going to ask
everyone I know to just keep praying for
Sid's continued healing, and for me to be
content with what God blesses me with.

blessed

What a great weekend. And it isn't over yet!!
The kids showed up late Friday and surprised
Sid for his birthday. He was so happy. I wish
I was as easy to please as he is.
Really, it was just a whole lotta nothin
special, yet it was oh so very special.
I am so grateful to be aware of the HUGE
blessings in everyday, simple things.
So much of my life was spent in deep lows
or high highs that the constant mellow
seemed just way too boring. I am now
older and wiser(snicker) and realize
there is so much wonder and awe in
the everyday occurrences of life if I just
open my eyes and pay attention.
Off to enjoy some more of the weekend.

company's comin

Just found out that our son his wife and
4 granddaughters are coming for the weekend.
YIPPEE!!!!! Sid is going to be sooo surprised.
my "old man" is gonna be 60. YIKES!!
Don't know where the time has gone.
He has gone through so many changes in
the last few years. I thought I was going
to lose him when he had the stroke.
And here we are celebrating another
birthday. God is so good.
I know he will be really happy to see
the kids, even though we were just
over there last weekend.


I have been reflecting on our life together
and all the good times we've had.
I remember in particular our first "family vacation"
we loaded the kids and us in our 68 dodge van.
the engine sat between the front seats, and
you had to open up the butterfly in the carburetor
with your finger while you turned the key
to get it started. We didn't think anything of loading
up our children and taking off to the world's fair
in Canada. We had a great time. We came home
and found out we were evicted!! How hilarious is that.
I can tell you at the time, I found absolutely NO humor
in it, now it is one of those funny things.

Kind of like how I worked on our wedding night.
Which is a whole nuther story altogether.
I tell you, some of the stories are pretty cool.
I am sitting here smiling through a veil of grateful tears.
What a fantastic time we have had.
Good, Bad, Ugly, we have done it together.
And they said it wouldn't last....HAH

new schedule

I have been going in to work at 9 instead of 6:30, and working later.
Needless to say, I am all out of whack. I am used to getting home
and having time to do a few chores, cook dinner, play on the computer while
Sid watches wheel of fortune, then maybe watch a little TV myself and off to bed.
Well, I've been getting up at 4 am(thanks Miss KanDee) and not really using that
time as well as I could. I read my bible in the am usually, and may do a load of
laundry or some FB. I really am a morning person. This new schedule is just temporary
until they hire someone, so I imagine when I get "used" to it, I will go back
to the old one. I am just grateful to be working. God is so good. All the time.

blast from the past

I came home to dinner
cooked for me by my husband...
bacon and cheese omelets..yummy...
I have been working until 6 and it has been difficult to
come home after working 12 hours and fix dinner.
Not to mention Sid doesn't like to eat that late.
What was really cool, is that BTS
(before the stroke) He cooked dinner nearly every
night. He was home before me, it worked for us.
So this was like a deja-vu kind of thing.
I could smell the bacon as soon as I pulled into the driveway.
I love, and I mean ,LOVE bacon. I have flair that says
"bacon the pink vegetable" OH YEAH!! anyway, I digress.
It seems like when I get really down with our circumstances
and how Sid is, He has a day like today, where he is more like he
was. He knew I would be hungry, and
took care of it. He usually just waits for me
to get home to fix something,
or fixes himself a sandwich or something.
He doesn't think of me at all. (not sad, just fact)
I always feel bad for not being more accepting. I STILL
want him back how he used to be. I asked God for that very
thing once again just last week. Sid has made remarkable
progress that I am so very grateful for. So I always wonder
if asking for more is a form of ingratitude. I am so glad God
KNOWS my heart, I certainly don't always know.
I know that it is things like this that encourage me
to stay hopeful, and continue to
push Sid to improve. Think I'll go clean up the
kitchen now. =]

needin another day...

What a great week-end.
Spent it with our son and his wife
and the 2 youngest granddaughters.
The boys went to the bike shop,
while us girls got our nails done and
did a little shopping. I Love my daughter-in-law!
She is such a great woman. I feel my son is
blessed to have her for his wife. We had a fantastic time
and are exhausted of course. They gave me my belated
Mother's day gift - Standup photo album full of
disney pictures, and a beautiful
framed photo of us at pixie hollow.
funny, it is the same photo I used to post on
this blog when we returned from D-land.
The frame says "Grandparents hold our hands
for a little while, but our hearts forever"
Boy is that the truth. I carry my Gramma
in my heart always. She was my favorite
grown-up when I was a kid. I have always
hoped I would be as good a
Gramma as her. I don't think I
can be, but I am sure gonna try. =]

headin out

We're heading to Spokane for the week=end. Get to see our son and Daughter-in-law and the granddaughters. Should be fun. Haven't seen them since we got back from Disneyland. Hopefully it will be good weather. Supposed to be. They have the Lilac Festival going on so it should be fun. I love Lilacs. If they lasted more than a couple weeks they would probably be my favorite flower. They actually are one of my favorite smells. I know it's spring when the fragrance of lilacs is full in the air.AHHH. So I am gonna leave work early (only 9 hours today) so we can get there this evening. Yippee...

changed my mind

Well, I was gonna change the text colors,
but since I am a pro at changing my blog
background now, I just changed it instead.
And, I think the colors are just fine.
Thanks for the encouragement, Jodi.

I had a pretty rough day at work.
Maybe because I am tired and not
good at accepting criticism. Especially
when I don't believe it is valid. But I
just kept telling myself work as to the
Lord. I reminded myself I am an ambassador
and how I respond to situations is critical.
I did most of this in front of the bathroom
mirror trying to figure out how I was gonna
hide that I had obviously been crying.
Seriously, I have NEVER and I mean
NEVER been reprimanded in any way
at a job, so any type of criticism feels
like a personal assault. I had to really
search and ask God to show me if there
was any truth to it. You know what I got,
There wasn't any truth to the accusations
he faced. He was crucified for my whiny
self. That brought me back to reality.
Some things don't really matter. In a year,
today will be long forgotten. Hopefully,
I'll carry the lesson of the need for
some humility in my attitude.

just a morning person

Well, I did it.
On the first try.
Apparently I am unable to follow
clear directions after being up 14 hours.
I was able to change my blog background.
It was simple just like they said.
hmmm...wasn't simple the other night..
Well, I best be off to work..tata...
PS Yes, I plan on "fixing" the colors
on the text...=]

wasted days and wasted nights

I have just spent an hour trying to change my blog look.
Only to have it look basically the same, only I liked it
better before. =[..I did the cut and paste deal, but what the heck
is a widget and how do I save them? I went to the "help" site.
I don't have a degree in engineering, so I don't get it. I am sure a 6th grader
could have it all fixed up in about ten minutes. So, I am gonna
give it a go tomorrow. Please pray for me...ARGH!!!

Missing Mom

Mother's day.
first one since we lost my dear sweet mother-in-law.
As I got ready for church this morning,
and realized I would once again be going alone.
I got it bad. feeling sorry for myself.
These are the ugly thoughts that go through my head.
And then I feel guilty for thinking them.
I will admit, I didn't stay there
as long as I normally do.
Thank you Lord.
I just sometimes wonder what is wrong with me.
Why must I always take everything so personally.
My sweet husband doesn't
always go to church with me,
but when he does,
I am thrilled.
I like being with him.
I didn't even think how missing his Mom may
have made him feel down and melancholy.
So once again I find myself
fighting with my selfishness.
Thank goodness God is patient.
I think I would have been done
with me a long time ago.
We did take the bikes for a nice cruise up
Chinook pass and stopped to eat.
We had a chance to chat.
He got to tell me that
he missed his Mom and felt
"weird" not knowing what to do today.
He always took his Mom to brunch
and usually his sisters as well.
Just another change in life
we get to grow through.
We have the great gift
of KNOWING
we will see her again.

ahhh friday...

What a long week.....haven't been able to blog last few days.
I just haven't had it in me.
Been going in to work between 6:30 & 7 am
and getting off between 5:30 & 6.
Not horrible, but enough that it doesn't leave
much time for anything else.
Especially since I made a commitment
to do better at my homemaking. I can
justify til the cows come home, that I
work full time and Sid is home all day
but, the facts are he isn't going to help.
Anyway, that is besides the point.
God has been faithful to give me the grace
to get through with a cheerful attitude.
I am doing laundry tonight, and getting some beans
soaked to make some chili tomorrow, and just a few
odd chores. Tomorrow I hope to get some groceries
and plan some meals for the upcoming week.
Most of my chaos is due to lack of planning.
This crazy schedule should only be the next
couple weeks, so I just need to remember, this
is all temporary. off to fapa...=]

reflections

Well, it has been a year and a half since Sid had a massive stroke.
Our lives were literally tipped over in a heartbeat.
He was paralyzed on his right side and unable to communicate at all.
He didn't know his own name or recognize his family and friends.
I snuck our dog Samson into the hospital that first night.
Sid loves that dog so much.
Turns out he had a carotid artery completely plugged.
The surgery was risky as the blood flow resuming could cause another stroke.
We had to take that chance, though.
It wouldn't change the damage that had already happened,
it would just unclog the artery.
After the surgery, the surgeon told us that Sid wouldn't get any better
and wouldn't be able to talk again.
I was devastated for like 5 seconds, and then

I was MAD..

I told that Dr. that he was a doctor and that I was a dummy,
but he had NO IDEA OF THE POWER OF GOD.

I told him that Sid would get better.
I was so afraid to say out loud to anyone(what if the Dr. is right?).
He was in the hospital for 10 days.
He was sent to the rehab unit for an estimated three week stint.
(My boss wired me the money because
the rehab place wouldn't take him without a $10,000.00 deposit.)
Well, God had other plans. Sid regained his physical abilities pretty quickly.
His 3 week $35,000.00 rehab stay turned into 4 days and $3,000.00.
The man who didn't know his own name
or where his nose was can now talk with some difficulty.
If you have the patience to listen to him,
he can carry on a conversation.
It has been a wonderful, horrible, exhilarating,
discouraging, hopeful,adventurous,never boring,
constantly learning more, love filled year.
That thanksgiving right after I was wondering how
I was going to pay for groceries
let alone the hospital bills.(no insurance)
We are too well off to qualify for help,
but still needed some.
If you own more than one car you have too many assets
to qualify for help. And I thought we were doing
good trying to stay out of debt..hmm
Once again God showed off.
Friends got together and anonymously slipped us a card with cash more than once.
The hospital reduced the bill a third and agreed to payments.
The church provided our thanksgiving meal.
Our income was cut in half and our bills more than doubled,
yet everything is paid on time.
THAT IS THE AWESOME POWER OF GOD!!!
Up until Oct 18 2008 Sid was driving and during the summer riding his new Harley.
Then he had a seizure..
He was 4 hours away visiting our son,
and the bottom dropped again..
Came to find out seizures aren't uncommon in
brain trauma victims( I sooo hate the word victim)
so no driving for 6 months and seizure meds.
No more seizures, and back to driving...YAY!!!
he did cheat a little bit.=]

It has been an awesome experience to know what I know.
I used to say I believe this and I believe that,
but now I can say I KNOW.
God will take care of us.
Don't get me wrong,
I haven't been thrilled with our circumstances.
I miss Sid the way he used to be.
I have also grown to love the new Sid that I am blessed to have still.
God's faithfulness has been such a gift to experience.
I said a year ago that Sid was going to be exactly
the way God wanted him to be and that I was going to love him.
I told people that we were going to be able
to look back on this past year and say
"Look what God did!"
That has proved to be true.
We've learned to not let our circumstances determine how we are going to be.
Sid still goes to speech therapy twice a week.
He continues to improve.
I changed jobs in April 2008.
The place I had been 17 yrs sold to another company.
The new job has way better medical insurance, which we are both on, now.
Less out of pocket and better coverage.
My Dad died in June,
We lost our old Dog Punkin on father's day
We lost Sid's mom in October.
It has been a season of many changes.
We miss our loved ones, but know they are with the Lord.
We will see them again.
I'm working on not living in fear, God makes that possible.
I am not able to do anything without Him.
We have been so blessed.
How many times have I taken God's blessings for granted?
Or taken credit myself.
Like I have any power of my own?!
I am such a silly creature.(horrid, too).
Thank God for loving me.
Anyway, I think that's enough out of me for now.